Who I Am
Published: June 9, 2010
What implications does your family’s past have on you?
I started thinking about the significance of our family history recently after seeing parts of NBC’s “Who Do You Think You Are?” The show delves into the family tree of individuals, revealing unknown stories linked to crucial events. Needless to say, the results easily range from shocking and tragic to awe-inspiring.
I’ve always been interested in my family history. It stems from the fact that much of it is missing and unknown. I wondered about my mother’s parents and brother immigrating from Germany, what part my dad’s father played in the changing of the Mennonite church in Manitoba, and if I look like any long lost relatives. There were so many actions, reactions and decisions that I didn’t know about. So many pieces of the puzzle that I felt were missing from my whole.
My father is adopted. Growing up, I wondered where his family was in the world, what decisions they made that might be a large part of my story? From a young age, I was aware that my sister was a dead ringer for my mom’s side of the family. Did I look like my dad’s biological family? Were there people out there somewhere that had my eyes?
As I grew older, what I did and didn’t know about my family history began to weigh heavily on me. I carried the decisions of family members on my back. I thought that all of these pieces made me who I was.
It reached a point where I was so caught up in decisions and actions of others that I had lost myself. I thought I was who my heritage had made me. Finally, something within me rose up: Enough was enough. I needed to discover who I really was at my core.
It took me many years. It was not easy, and it still isn’t. As humans, we are pliable, growing, constantly reacting and changing with circumstances. Hard situations make us stronger, joyful situations make us happier. Knowing yourself isn’t an easy thing. I still don’t entirely know who I am, and I doubt I ever will. But one thing became very clear to me the more I thought about it.
I am my own person. The past does not own me.
Do parts of my ancestry still affect who I am? Absolutely. But it does not determine who I am. Only I can choose that. I am daily given choices and options, and what I decide to do with them makes up my entirety. My past, my family’s past, these are all things to reflect on and learn from.
It was God working in me that gave me the strength, the ability to break chains of feeling that I was tied to ghosts of the past. It was my relationship with God that gave me strength to be free. (Learn more about knowing Jesus personally). It can take a lot of strength and courage to break free from chains that are holding us down. Sometimes this strength and courage needs to come with the help of something bigger than you. I needed to admit my faults to be clean of the actions of my forefathers.
Years later, I did get an answer to a question about my past. My dad’s parents moved to an apartment in the city, and in doing so, dug up boxes from the past, boxes containing things that my father had never seen. The day we received the package, we sat down and looked at the treasures inside. Photo after photo of my father as a baby at the orphanage came tumbling out. Photos that showed a chubby little bright eyed boy with curly hair. I stopped and stared. You could have easily been looking at pictures of me at the same age. I was the spitting image of my father when he was young. And although to some, that may not seem like a big deal, to someone searching for a little piece of the past that would fit into the puzzle, it was a big moment for me. There was a little part of who I was.
There are parts of one’s ancestry to hold on tight to, parts to learn from, and others to let go of. All of these pieces do not make up your whole. Only you can decide who you truly are.
Do you struggle with knowing who you are? Feel free to talk to a mentor.
