Recently my daughter turned sixteen. Sweet sixteen, wow I cannot believe it. We are celebrating with her as she meets this milestone birthday. Two significant things mark today as special for her. She will go to the driver’s license department and officially start learning to drive. This signifies independence and maturity. The ability to drive brings a whole new responsibility in life. The second significant marker for today is a gift her dad and I are giving her. We are giving her a purity ring.

A purity ring represents her desire to stay pure, and wait until marriage to enjoy a sexual relationship, giving her husband this gift on her wedding day. This is a big responsibility for her to embrace. We have done our part in teaching her about purity, God’s plan for her and her husband, and that she has counter-cultural choices to make. Purity is not something valued in our culture today, yet it is of very significant value in our home.

Does virginity still matter?

Some may ask, “what’s the big deal?” Others say we are setting our kids up for too much pressure – kids will be kids. Purity is a big deal! As Christians we believe that God has a plan and purpose for the guidelines and rules He has laid out for us. The rules we establish for our kids are for their own good. “Don’t touch the hot stove” saves them from the unnecessary pain of a burn. The same is true for God our loving heavenly father. He has rules to keep us safe.

One of those boundaries is that sex was meant for a monogamous marriage relationship. It’s not so that we don’t have as much fun, but to protect us. The fun and pleasure are good and something to look forward to – in the right context. We don’t deprive our kids of dessert, but we don’t let them eat candy and junk food constantly. It is not a “no” answer, but a “wait for the right time”.

Personally I’ve never met someone that said, ”I wish I had NOT waited”, but the opposite is very true. I have met many people who live with regrets, wishing they had made different choices. Even as I just showed a friend my daughter’s ring, she commented, ”I sure wish my parents had done that for me, my life would have turned out very differently”.

Reminders for both of us

A second part of her gift is a small, beautiful silver key. This represents the key to her heart. The purity ring has a heart on it, which she keeps. My husband will hold the key to her heart until the day comes to give her heart to her future husband. Our plan is to give the key to the man when he asks my husband for permission to marry our daughter. On her wedding day when her father “gives her away” her husband will receive the gift of all of her, as is God’s plan for the two of them. My husband will hold the key to her heart in trust until the right time and the right man comes along. It will hang in a special visible place, as a reminder, for now. Part of keeping a purity vow is to keep the heart in check and not give it away on a whim.

As parents we can no longer control our daughter’s decisions for her. Certainly if we could choose, we would choose purity for her, but she must be the one to choose it for herself. Our job of educating her and instilling values is now transitioning to role of coach, listener, and accountability. Hopefully this gift will be a daily reminder of the foundational values we have built over her lifetime; while passing the baton to her as she makes her own choices.

Don’t get me wrong, we are not stepping out of this part of her life. Now is the time for accountability and conversation. As we navigate the boy/girl relationship teeter totter with our kids we will be very much involved with them, but we will not always be there so they must rely on their own character and decisions.

As you navigate the world of relationships with your own children, I recommend Jim Burns’ books on this topic. Included in this series are age appropriate books for all ages of kids from pre-school to age 18 years, there are books and audio, for parents and for kids. Personally this is my favorite curriculum for educating and preparing kids for purity.

The teen books are listed below:

Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality: A Biblical Approach to Preparing Them for Life, by Jim Burns – parents’ book

The Purity Code is a very practical, culturally relevant book geared to 10-14 year olds; Jim Burns challenges them to a lifetime of purity.

Accept Nothing Less: God’s Best for Your Body, Mind, and Heart by Jim Burns for the older teen

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