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I meet many married women who love their husbands but don’t love sex. Their question is always the same: they want to know why. Is it the stress of marriage, children, work? Or could it be more than sheer exhaustion or waning libido? Could it have something to do with the sex they had before they got married?
After more than 40 years of sexual promiscuity and exploitation in our culture, we’re making discoveries. Unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases are only a small sliver of the consequences of casual sex. The greatest tragedy is how sex from the past hurts marriage. This is true, whether engaging in premarital sex was own choice or another’s choice forced on us. There are physiological, spiritual, and emotional bonds created during sex. These bonds follow us into marriage and rob us of the intimate oneness we expected and hoped for. Instead we have couples who are unable to bond emotionally and physically. This hinders sexual fulfillment for both partners in the marriage.
Marriage is not the giant eraser we thought it would be—erasing the past away. Instead all the wounds, lies, and sexual bonds we’ve created follow us into marriage. Even sex with your spouse before marriage has an effect. These experiences keep us from having the complete oneness we desire. We seldom relate our current sexual and emotional struggles to our past, looking instead to present people or issues as the culprit.
After writing The Invisible Bond: How To Break Free From Your Sexual Past, and the Bible study based on the book, I began to lead women through sexual healing. I discovered that most of the married women coming into the study were struggling with sex in their marriage. They loved their husbands, but didn’t enjoy ‘making love’. The common denominator for these women was the sex they’d had before they married.
There is hope and healing for marriages
I watch these women walk through healing for their pasts, a fascinating transformation happens—not only in them, but also in their marriages. As they heal, so does their marriage. Healing allows the emotional walls to come down, making them feel safe and loved, increasing their sexual response and desire.
I wrote the book Kiss Me Again; Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage to help other couples restore the emotional and physical intimacy in their marriages. Healing the wounds from the past, and breaking the bonds we’ve created outside marriage allows us to re-bond with our spouse, restoring intimate oneness, emotionally and physically. That means closer couples, better sex, and a stronger commitment to last a lifetime.
Reader Response
Here’s an e-mail I received recently from one woman whose life has been transformed by healing from her sexual past:
“Something just wasn’t clicking in me after 16 years of faithful marriage to my husband. Ten years ago I had been through Christian counseling to help me cope with a variety of issues. I truly have been through it all, seen it all, and done it all. I was sexually abused as a child, raised in a lesbian home and experimented once as a young teen, abandoned by my father, used alcohol to numb myself, played around in promiscuity, was date raped, and had emotional dependencies on men and women. Yes, that was my past life. In recent years though, I’ve had people tell me how I have the perfect life now. Inside, I was just dying.
I’ve always been familiar with the concept of “soul ties” and have prayed in the past to be released. I still felt very bound to my past and stuck. After some internet research I discovered writings about oxytocin and how sex was created to bond a man and woman super-naturally. I despaired, thinking I would never heal from the pain of my promiscuity. Imagine my hope when I heard you speaking on FamilyLife. I ordered your books and feverishly read through them. I had been overwhelmed with depression than I would never be redeemed, until you reminded me in your book that God wants us healed and restored, not just forgiven.
All I can say is WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! I’m a completely different person, transformed, redeemed, and restored. God did something wonderful in my life. I feel free, finally, at last. Free from the bondage, shame, humiliation, and self-condemnation. Thank you again, so very much for your courage to speak the truth.”
God is doing a healing work in the lives of countless other men and women and He’s setting marriages free. He’s done it for me, for this woman and He can do the same for you. As He heals your wounds, reverses the lies you’ve ingrained with His truth, and severs past sexual bonds, emotional and physical oneness in your marriage can become a reality for you.
Recommended Reading:
Barbara Wilson Author of:
The Invisible Bond; How to break free from your sexual past
Kiss Me Again; Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage
Break Free From Your Sexual Past; A Study of Freedom, Forgiveness, Healing and Hope
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I went through many heart breaks in past. Just to overcome that I selected person who loved me a lot and did’nt wanted me to change. I married that person at very early age. But later I realized that this marriage is forever and I cant get out of it. I tryed to love him but never felt to have sex with him. I tryed to avoide him every time and tryed to be in relations with others just to check if i realy feel pleasure in sex. Then I enjoyed sex with other men but never enjoyed with my husband. Those relations never lasted for long because those men never gave me full time later I desided that to stop my habbit of having sex and enjoying with other men, I should plan for baby so that I will get bound with my husband. Ppl say that a child change life of partners. They come more closer to eachother. I dont know what will happen when baby will come in my life. Suggest me if u can.
o Tanha, let me encourage you to pursue love within your marriage. There are a lot of pleasurable aspects of sex but what takes it to a level of deep satisfaction is when a man and a woman who are committed to each other exclusively and share completely with each other from their hearts as well as their bodies. That is why God describes marriage as “two becoming one flesh”. It is more than just their physical bodies coming together in sexual union but their souls being united together so that they become one in their understanding of each other, in their commitment to each other, in their purposes and priorities. The longer that a couple lives out that commitment the more precious and meaningful their sexual pleasure is. It becomes a physical affirmation of what is happening in their hearts.
I suppose for some people, the birth of children can catalyze their commitment to each other and help that process to begin, but I wouldn’t want to depend on that. The opposite can also happen where children highlight the lack of commitment and drive husband and wife apart.
I would encourage you to study your husband. Discover the goodness of his character. Cultivate a love for him and a commitment to him. I am certain that the more you feed your reasons to love this man you will discover the deep joy of giving yourself to him sexually as well.
Let me pray for your marriage: God in Heaven, I pray for Tanha and her husband. Their marriage has not flourished as You have intended it to because of Tanha’s inability to surrender herself completely to her husband. Lord God, I pray that You would help her to fall in love with her husband and to discover the wonderful man that he is. Fill her heart with love and passion for this man and join their hearts in a life-long union that can never be separated. Amen.
Tanha, let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors. They can help you to study your husband and discover your love for him. They can also help you look to God for help in making a full commitment to him. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Also, have a look at some of Barbara Wilson’s articles. She has some great ways of helping people through their sexual struggles. A list of her articles is at http://powertochange.com/blogposts/author/bwilson
I would not bring a child into a relationship that is uncertain. If you have read the post before yours it says, and I agree, that children can basicly confirm the root problem and drive you further apart. You need to repair your heart and mind from whatever is stopping you from bonding to your husband.. as I am now going to try to do. Please read this amazing article. It is long but VERY informitive:
Help! I Love my Husband but I Don’t like Sex, Written by Barbara Wilson
Has love betrayed you? There is hope.
“Why was it so hard to resist sex before marriage, but now in marriage, resisting is all I do?”
“Why do I love my husband, but don’t want to make love?”
“Why was sex so good before marriage when I shouldn’t have been having it, but now that I can, its lost its sizzle, and I’ve lost desire?”
You’re not alone…
Can you relate to any of the women above? Like them, do you love your husband, want to stay married, but struggle with sex? Do you yearn for physical and emotional closeness with your mate, yet shun their intimate advances? “What happened to our sexual relationship?” you may wonder. If these questions have crossed your mind, you’re not alone.
Does your relationship feel strained?: Talk to a mentor
Addicted to porn? Get help and beat your addiction
Many married women genuinely want to feel more desire toward their husbands, and can’t figure out what went wrong. They wish their sexual relationship could be more and are dismayed that it’s not. They want to give themselves without reserve to their husbands, but can’t. I know, because I was one of them.
As a newly married wife I was surprised to find that within a short time, sex had lost its appeal for me. I loved my husband, but avoided sex. And when I couldn’t avoid it, I was a passive participant, rather than an enthusiastic one. I thought there was something wrong with me, yet I couldn’t tell anyone. After all, everyone else seemed to like sex…the women in the media seemed to enjoy it and want it all the time. And my husband liked it a lot…so what was wrong with me?
There’s good news
If you’re wondering the same thing…I have good news! There are many reasons why women may have fluctuating desire for sex in marriage. Children, fatigue, hormones, work, illness, medications, emotions and stress are some of the obstacles to enjoying or desiring sex. I certainly experienced all of those. But then God began to take me on a journey of healing from my past abortion, and my past sexual relationships. Even the sexual relationship I had with my husband before we got married.
I never imagined that my sexual past could have an impact on me today, but God was showing me that it had. And with healing, He set me free. Free from the wounds I’d accumulated, free from the lies I’d ingrained, and free from all my past sexual partners that were keeping me from experiencing true intimacy with my husband. Healing set me free to love my husband, and enjoy being loved in return. I thought it was too good to be true. But since then, as God has given me the opportunity to lead hundreds of women through healing, I’ve watched Him do the same thing in others.
I imagine that you may be wondering how your sexual past could be affecting you today. I want to share what God has taught me about sexual bonding, and how our past – whether from sexual abuse, or trauma or our own choices – can impact emotional and sexual intimacy in marriage.
Sex and the brain
What does the brain have to do with sex? Everything. The brain is our biggest sex organ. Scientists have discovered that we release chemicals and hormones that create a bond during sexual arousal and release. The chemicals released give us a feeling of pleasure, and make us want to do it over again. In addition, the hormone oxytocin is released which is designed to relationally bond us to our partner.
Oxytocin is an amazing hormone…I call it God’s super-human-glue. Its released three times in a human, when a woman gives birth, when she breastfeeds her baby, and in both men and women when they experience sexual arousal and release. In addition, men release vasopressin which also helps with bonding. When we save sex for marriage, the only person that we bond with will be our spouses. And as our marriage progresses, and we’re having sex over and over, that bond gets stronger, causing our love to deepen and mature. I believe God gives us a glimpse of oxytocin in Genesis 2:24 when He says; “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Other versions use the word cleave for united, which literally means to be glued together.
But what happens when we take sex outside marriage, and bond with other partners? What about in the case of sexual abuse? Preliminary science is showing that if we have past negative sexual relationships, we can inhibit our production and release of oxytocin. In other words, every time we have sex in a relationship and then break up, we release less oxytocin in each subsequent relationship. Then we get married. We hope that marriage is a big giant eraser, wiping all the past away, but instead we bring all our past sexual bonds into marriage with us. They can keep us from releasing oxytocin and bonding exclusively with our spouses.
How does past bonding impact our desire in marriage? If over time we’re not bonding well enough sexually, we can begin to experience sexual withdrawal. Sex can become less enjoyable, less intimate, and less desirable. Bonding in previous relationships keeps us attached to past partners. This can cause us to compare our current spouse with past partners leaving us dissatisfied or disappointed. During seasons of struggle in our marriage, we may feel drawn to the past, thinking, “Maybe I should have married someone else…”
To summarize, if we’ve bonded to past sexual partners, we will not bond as well in marriage, and if we’re not bonding well, it can decrease sexual desire and enjoyment in marriage.
The Emotional divide
Human beings are relational. There are five recognized levels of emotional intimacy that we move through as we get to know someone intimately. They have various names, but I call them: lowest, low, moderate, high and highest. With each level we share more of ourselves, placing us at increasing levels of vulnerability. And a greater risk of being hurt or rejected. And that’s why to become truly intimate, not only do we need to progress through the levels slowly, but also at the same pace. Women tend to be more comfortable relating emotionally and therefore can move more quickly through the levels. Men more often (not always, of course) relate in practical terms, with less emotions, and therefore need more time to move through the levels.
Couples who start having sex outside marriage generally are at the moderate level of communication. At this level we’re sharing opinions, beliefs and thoughts. That doesn’t mean we aren’t occasionally sharing feelings, but when experience conflict, we’ll gravitate to our safe zone, or the level where we communicate the most. Once we start having sex, we’re releasing all those chemicals and oxytocin, and now we’re bonding. We feel close, attached, one. At this point, the sex makes us feel closer than we really are. It becomes a false sense of intimacy and our relationship will begin to focus on the physical. Its how we’ll communicate love, and resolve conflict. Outside marriage, wherever sex begins on the levels of intimacy is where our intimacy will get stalled. Because working through conflict is required to move to the higher levels, we’ll avoid greater vulnerability as it may threaten our relationship.
And then we get married.
The sex has made us feel close, but over time the newness of our relationship wears off, and the reality of life settles in. At this point we begin to discover that we don’t know each other as well as we thought we did. We’re not able to communicate our deepest needs, desires or fears. We bring the same communication patterns we had before, into the marriage and continue to avoid conflict in fear of threatening the relationship. Many couples live in this emotional divide long into their marriages. I see this most often once the kids are gone and a couple discovers that they share less in common than they first thought.
For most women, sex is about being emotionally connected. The closer a woman feels emotionally to her partner, the greater desire she’ll have for sex. Women feel emotionally connected through communication. When we’re connected emotionally, we feel heard and loved. This is what stimulates our sexual desire. Men on the other hand feel emotionally connected through sex, and once they’re connected, they’re more open to communication. In other words if you want to get your man to talk, have sex. Men if you want to get your wife to have sex, talk to her.
To summarize; if we’re not connected emotionally it can inhibit our desire and enjoyment of sex.
Shame on you
As I’ve talked with women all over the country I’ve discovered that regardless of how they were sexually wounded, from abuse as a child or young adult, forced into sex as in date rape, or promiscuous by choice, they all carry emotional damage. Shame, self-blame, regret, pain, brokenness, unworthiness, despair, and distrust are some of the baggage women carry into their future. Emotional pain accumulates with each relationship. Although we’d like to believe that we leave it behind as we move on to the next partner, without healing it gets buried deep until it resurfaces in the next relationship.
These emotions can inhibit sexual desire in marriage. How? Because now in marriage when we have sex, it triggers the shame we experienced in the past. Remember that the brain is our biggest sex organ. As the shame, pain, thoughts and memories flood our mind, it robs us of our desire for sex. We’ll begin to withdraw, pull back emotionally and physically. Whether from sexual abuse, trauma or our own choices, the shame we felt in past situations will revisit when we begin to feel the same arousal in the present. The negative associations we had with sex in the past situation will resurface in the present. We may feel unworthy, dirty, shameful. Details of past abuse or promiscuous choices become vivid realities, stealing our moment of desire.
In summary: the negative emotions we experienced in past sexual relationships will be triggered in the present and will extinguish our desire for sex.
God can Heal
The good news is God can heal your past and restore your desire for your husband, and for sex. Yes, its true! Not only has He done it for me, but He’s healed countless others as they’ve trusted God with this area of their lives.
God can break the bonds you’ve created in your past relationships, heal the wounds you’ve accumulated, replace the lies you’ve ingrained with His truth, and help re-bond you to your husband, increasing your desire and enjoyment of sex. Even chemically, preliminary science is beginning to show that with healing, our brains heal too. As we heal, we’re able to release oxytocin again. I’ve watched this happen in women. As past wounds heal, their emotional walls come down. Gradually you see them feeling more love for their husbands, and being able to receive love. With healing we no longer trigger negative associations with sex from the past, and our desire for sex improves.
Below are some of the steps of healing that I’ve experienced and led others through. If you’ve experienced sexual abuse or sexual trauma as in rape, you may also need to enlist professional help with a licensed counselor.
The Steps to Healing:
Acknowledge what’s happened and surrender it to God. Write out your story using the life map exercise in Kiss Me Again.
Break the silence…tell someone. A counselor, trusted friend, your husband.
Grieve your losses and wounds. Let God show you what and how you need to grieve and the wounds He wants to heal.
Break past bonds. Write out your sexual history list. Ask God to show you everyone you’ve created a bond with. Write the names, or details of the event down. Ask God to show you how each one of these situations and/or people hurt you, and damaged your view of yourself, others, God, men and sex.
Pray this prayer with each person/situation on your list asking God to sever the bond you’ve created with them.
Lord, I ask forgiveness for sinning against you and against my own body. In the name of Jesus, I sever and renounce the bonds I created with _____. I release my heart tie with this person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I choose by faith to forgive _______ for their violation against me. Please forgive me of my violation against _______. Please remove the negative emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around with me. Restore to me a virgin heart—as though I’d never been with this person, and heal me completely of the damage this sin has caused me and my marriage. Thank you for your forgiveness. I accept it fully.[i] Amen.
The pain that heals
Its hard work, I know. But I promise you, its worth it. You’ll go through some pain as you bring up the past, but its what psychologists call ‘good pain’. Good pain allows us to heal. Good pain is allowing God to expose what’s hurt us in our pasts, and surrendering it to Him so He can heal us.
He’s done it for me and countless others. He can and will do the same for you. He’s just waiting for one thing…He’s waiting for you to ask.
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[i] Used with permission
Do you want to read more of Barbara Wilson’s articles? The first two in her series can be found here:
The Five Levels of Intimacy
Kiss Me Again
I have known my husband for several years before we got together i was in a bad relationship and i needed to get out of it i think i jumped into this one way to quickly the one im in now we are married and have been for 4 years going on five the love we had before our son was born was great and i miss it i dont know if its because of stress or my medical issues or how sex has treated me in the past i would love to be that way with my husband i do more than anything i love him alot and i feel like apart of me is missing and its hard im tired of all the fighting im hurt or maybe im healing because of my past i dont know but i would love to be happy and healed again
Hi Jennifer, I am so sorry that you and your husband have been going through this difficult time. It does not have to be this way. Your love can be healed and renewed again. It is so helpful when you and your husband can come together and look objectively at your marriage and identify the walls that have built up between you and decide together that you are going to work together to break them down. Often couples find that they need outside help to work through some of the issues that have developed over the years. That could be sitting down with a mentor couple, a counselor, a pastor or a trusted friend. In my marriage, Jesus plays a big part in uniting us and bring us to a place of forgiveness and love. We talk to Him a lot to make sure we are on the same page and are dealing with issues before they get too big. Let me invite you to talk to one of our online mentors who can help you determine how to talk to your husband about this and answer any questions you might have about how Jesus can help your marriage. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.
good article thank you for posting this