You CAN Have Straight A’s in YOUR Marriage

He stood at my kitchen counter drinking a cup of coffee. Our overnight guest casually spoke about summer plans he made with his wife. It sounded nice  –  a few picnics, a couple of quick weekend trips, kids sports events to take in, maybe a holiday that they had talked about for a long time.  Then he paused and asked me, “Do you know where I made the decision to do those things this summer? In Intensive Care a few months ago.” A life threatening illness had brought this fresh perspective.

He went on: “We tend to run a marriage like a business, and it’s not.”

With that he put his coffee cup in the sink and was off.

I realized that I had just heard a profound statement on marriage.

“We tend to run a marriage like a business, and it’s not.”

Had our friend hit the nail on the head in addressing the “business of marriage”?

I pondered the thought all day. I recalled recent examples where marriages melted away. In these young marriages one partner was often completely blindsided by the withdrawal of the other.

The real core of what marriage is about could be missed. The checklist of outward things could be checked off just like a business list and a young couple could believe their “business of marriage” was running just fine.

1. A nice home in a decent neighborhood.
2. Well maintained cars to drive.
3. Enough food in the fridge.
4. Kids who seem to be doing okay in school.
5. Turkey at thanksgiving and gifts at Christmas.
6. Clothes we generally need and want … and can afford.
7. Kids playing sports and arriving safely to their events.
8. Church we (occasionally) visit on Sunday.
9. Frequent trips to eat out at restaurants.

Everything checked off. Oh sure, they were busy. Who isn’t these days? And yes, money was tight now and then, but they managed. They had their differences of opinions and a few issues, but nothing huge. Doesn’t everyone fight now and then? They were keeping the “business of marriage” afloat … or so they thought. Until one withdrew … and they began to realize their marriage was in trouble.

“We tend to run a marriage like a business, and it’s not.”  No, it’s not. The report card for a marriage is quite different than that of a business.

The core of marriage is what is happening on the inside of the two individuals. It actually has very little to do with the fine material trappings we work so hard to acquire.

John and I get asked what it is that makes our marriage (several decades strong) so solid. We think back over the years and wonder ourselves. We too have traversed the ups and downs of moves, raising three kids, times apart, busy days, running businesses through good and hard times, and just the everyday stuff of life.

We know we haven’t always made the wisest decisions. We know God has held us. We also know we have had a deep desire to stay connected.

Staying connected is the most important ingredient in every marriage.

As we think of our marriage we discover there are five A’s that we have actively put into practice in our lives. Many times we weren’t even aware of it. Not all the A’s were necessarily there at the same time. Yet as we ponder them, and the years gone by, we see that these things were anchors or cornerstones that kept us connected beyond the “business of marriage” and the busyness of life.

Staying connected … to God and to each other.  This is the key.

Perhaps listing our five A’s out can help those who come after us. It’s really a combination of common sense, good manners, and an attitude of treasuring each other and our marriage

Appreciation: Take time to say “thank you”.

Don’t take for granted the things your partner does in your relationship. Actively look for them. Express gratitude for them. From cooking a meal, picking up milk, helping the kids with their homework, to going out the door to work every morning to help provide for the family. Express gratitude.

Affirmation: Point out the good things you see in your partner.

It’s far easier to point out the negative and overlook the positive. Try overlooking the negative and polishing up the positive instead. Look for the qualities you admire and express how you feel about them. Don’t let compliments become so rare they are uncomfortable. Something as simple as “You’re a good parent” lets your partner know you see the good and you’re choosing to put your focus there. Be aware of where you are choosing to focus and find the good.

Approval: Let your partner know you have a good opinion of him/her.

Silence and sarcasm can be deadly to a relationship. Does your partner know you have a good opinion of him/her? Is (s)he confident that you speak well of him/her?  Does your partner know you are committed to them alone?

Any silent disapproval will knock the foundation right out from under your marriage.  Be aware of the subtle disapproval signals you may be giving. Find the things you are proud of in your partner and let them be known to others. It helps safeguard your marriage as well.

Affection: Give lots of non-sexual touching.

Touch is a powerful thing. It can reduce anxiety and tension. Give physical touch often, outside the bedroom, with no expectations attached to it.  Hug in the morning. Kiss good-bye and hello. Take your partner’s hand when you walk somewhere. Put your arm around the him or her. In moments when you sense tension in your partner and you don’t know what to say, give a hug and express, “I don’t know what to say but I love you.” Touch often. The warmth of this type of touching will also enrich the sexual side of your marriage.

Attention: Make eye contact.

During your busy daily life, do you usually communicate as you run out the door, or call from another room? When you speak to your partner take the time to look into one another’s eyes.  Look up from the TV or computer. Notice when your partner looks especially nice. Look at your partner with eyes that see and listen with ears that really hear. It may seem a small thing but it makes a big impact. Make eye contact when you say goodnight. Go to bed at the same time.

You cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself and your behavior. That focus alone will bring great improvement to a marriage. This is the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Your marriage can be a haven from the busy demands. It doesn’t need to be a tension filled, empty place. You can help begin to create change today. By putting the five A’s into practice you can make sure your marriage moves toward becoming that “safe place” for each of you to come and be free to be yourselves.

Start now! Begin today to focus on your own behavior with the five A’s and I guarantee you will change your marriage.

30 day Challenge

If you can share the five A’s with your partner and choose together to put them into practice for one month, the difference it will make will astound you.  If you can’t share them yet, put them into practice yourself and watch the impact.

Marriage is the highest of all human relationships and our Creator, God, will help you grow yours into the marriage you desire.

God in Heaven, I want my marriage to grow and be better than it is today. Please help me to put these five A’s into practice. Please give me the right attitude, give me the patience, and remind me every day to be conscious of these five A’s. Thank you for my partner. Please help me to learn how to connect in these five A ways this month. Thank you that You care. Amen.

Take the 30 day challenge and let us know what changes you see.

Tags: 30 day challenge, affection, appreciation, approval, attention, communication, Family, gail rodgers, healthy marriage, improving your marriage, intimacy, LIFE, love, marriage, men and women, priorities, protecting your marriage, relationships, resolving conflict, sex and love, straight A's

One Response to “You CAN Have Straight A’s in YOUR Marriage”

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• Sarah says:

  September 22, 2011 at 10:57 am

  Wow! I was ina marriage that didn’t last. I can say that I did not actively participate in these five A’s. I don’t know that our relationsip ever was strong enough to have included these five A’s. After our divorce I spent a lot of time soul searching and seeking out God to help make me a better person. I asked him not to bring another person into my life until I knew what it would take to make a better relationship.
  After seven years I came to the conclussion that I was happy with myself and shared with God that if he was going to be my only “relationship” that I was very content with that. I had found myself with him.
  Approximately six months after that I met a man whom became a good friend. Through that friendship we learned a lot about each other. The great thing was, we were practicing the five A’s without even knowing it; minus the sexual part of the affection. One day he looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go on a date. A real date. The next step to making the relationship stronger and I said yes.
  We are engaged to be married. I realize that we only have two and a half years together so far, but our relationship is built on respecting ourself first and then each other with God as the focus. The five A’s have been constant from the start. Early after we started dating, we went through the five love languages quiz. It helped us to learn early on what we each needed and wanted from ourselves and from the other. And, we respect those differences and simularities. There is not a day that goes by that we aren’t in awe over the appreciation we have in building a solid, very open relationship.
  I regret that I was not able to have this kind of relationship with my former husband. We both were not the kind of people who could have even formed this kind of relationship. I’d have to say that even if I had put the five A’s into practice myself, he was not the kind of man who would have received. But I still pray that even in our separate lives, God will continue to work to heal our troubles.

  Thank you so much for sharing the five A’s with us. I hope they are helpful to others.