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We all know that building strong relationships takes ongoing work. We start by prioritizing our relationship(s) and finding time for those who are important to us. If we neglect to do that life moves along and we can lose touch. A close relationship is like a dance. When one person moves, the other one responds. The dance can go really well when you are in step with each other and really badly when toes get stepped on.
One of the ways that toes get stepped on is when one person has an expectation and the other one completely misses it. The expectation is that if the other person truly cared they would know what was needed. The attitude and emotion expressed is usually intense, “You should know, I shouldn’t have to tell you!”
Does that phrase sound familiar? The reality is that we are not that good at reading each other. Opening up and sharing your needs and wants is an important part in building a strong relationship, but it is hard to do. There are a number of reasons for this.
If the explanation of what it is that you need or want is colored by an attitude of frustration, the response will likely be defensive, the partner may withdraw, feel unsafe, and the dance will go badly.
It’s hard to ask for what you want, but necessary
Sometimes we are out of touch with what we need and want, and when we are aware of what it is we don’t want to talk about it. We object that we shouldn’t have to, they should just know! However the reality is that their brains are just wired differently, and they can’t read your mind. Their perceptions may also be fogged by other things going on in their life.
For many people it doesn’t feel safe or okay to have a need. This may have something to do with the way in which they were raised. If they weren’t encouraged as children to share what they were feeling or thinking, taking steps to learn to open up may be challenging.
It takes emotional strength to be vulnerable and to share a need. Exposing our soft under belly involves risk taking. But the risk of not connecting is far worse. The interesting thing about opening up and sharing a weakness or a need is that when you are being real the other person will be able to connect with you at a deeper level. When this happens you will feel so much closer. When you feel the understanding and the compassionate response of the other person you know you are connecting well.
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If you tell a person, and they don’t adjust their dance steps….what conclusions would you make?
Hi Cate, I suppose it would depend on how serious the relationship is that you are talking about. The dance analogy is a good one for relationships between men and women, particularly husbands and wives. If your partner, who’s qualities you appreciate in many other ways, simply has two left feet, would you dump him and go in search of a better dance partner? Is it possible that someone who is a prince on the dance floor could be a troll off the dance floor? Or, could someone who is hopeless on the dance floor have redeeming qualities off the dance floor? Many people who discover that they just can’t dance, turn to a professional where they discover to their surprise, that the impossible can become possible! WooHoo!!! Let the fun times begin!!! If it’s just a friend relationship you’re talking about, that’s one thing, but if it’s a serious male-female relationship, such as husband and wife, then you’re talking about a serious investment in time, energy, and emotions. Have you considered going to a Christian professional counsellor about your your relationship issue(s)? Would you want to miss out on happier days ahead by not exploring every avenue in becoming happy dance partners? All the best, and may the dancing show improvement in the days ahead!
Communication to me is like a river and assumption is a barrage in any relationship.
It is unfair to the partner. Ask questions and get answers at all time. Clarify.
I am a very expressive person and like to express and talk about my feelings, I also like to have my feelings acknowledged
My husband is not an affectionate or expressive person and tells me he doesn’t need it for himself and can not give me what I am asking for.My Love Language is totally different than his but he doesn’t seem to have any Love Language since he claims that he doesn’t need to have affection, a pat on the back, or even talk about his feelings. He does not make himself vulnerable to me at all..He only displays anger,frustration or other negative feelings . He gets frustrated because I don’t /wont initiate sex and when i try to explain to him what i need he just says” forget it he is not begging me” .I am not asking him to beg by no means just be a little more compassionate about my needs and he doesn’t seem to want to compromise . We have been around and around about this for many years and I just don’t see him crossing over to meet me in the middle. I have tried counseling ,self help books, the bible and he has no interests in none of it if it has anything to do with him making any changes. I live day to day trying to just accept his way of loving but it is very hurtful and lonely … I have asked God to guide me and help me to understand our relationship and marriage but how do i get him to ask for the help?
Hi Angie, I can hear your frustration. It’s always a challenge when we feel our needs are not being met, especially in a marriage. Can I ask you a question – what do you think your husband’s love language is? You’ve said that it’s not words of affirmation or physical touch but there are three others. Do you think your husband hears love in quality time, acts of service or receiving gifts? What sort of things have you tried so far to figure it out?
You have hit on one very important idea in marriage: he is not like you. And that’s okay. You don’t need to be exactly like your spouse for a marriage to be strong, but you DO need to find a way to communicate and a style of working together, compromising and making decisions that works for both of you. It sounds like perhaps you are withholding sex until he makes changes in his communication style and perhaps he is not very motivated to change because he feels that he is being punished by the lack of sex. You have to be careful not to make sex transactional – it’s not a thing you dole out or withhold depending on whether or not your husband has performed well enough to deserve it. It’s supposed to be a mutual expression of your love, something you create together.
You’ve said that you are expressive and that you’ve tried self help books, counselling and Bible. These are all very verbal approaches to the problem. If your husband is not a verbal person, have you tried a different approach? Ie is it easier to talk to your husband while the two of you clear out the garage? Is there a sport you both enjoy, could you discuss things while doing that? Some people, both men and women, find it easier to process their thoughts and feelings when there’s something else to focus on, a icebreaker. It’s a bit like when you first meet someone and it’s easier to talk with a coffee in your hands rather than just standing there. If words are not his strong suit, find another option.
Also, as you are requesting changes, be sure that your husband knows how much you love him. When we feel attacked our first instinct is either to withdraw or strike back, not to show the soft underbelly of our tender places. Yes you are allowed to bring up issues, but for every discussion of hard things try to have three discussions of things that are great, things you appreciate, areas where he excels. Make sure he knows that you do not see him as a total failure. Let the change grow out of a place of strength rather than a beaten down place of weakness. Let him know that this is not you vs him it’s the two of you together.
Be prepared that the answer might not look the way you want it to. A friend of mine has a teenage daughter who is very quiet in the mornings. She would get up, come into the kitchen and grab a coffee in total silence. My friend, a morning person, would call out “Good morning!” and try to get a response and her daughter would just sit there like it was the saddest day in the world. My friend felt rejected, unloved and unappreciated while her daughter felt attacked, pressured and misunderstood. They talked it out and in time were able to realize that my friend just wanted to be acknowledged and her daughter simply doesn’t have any words before she’s had coffee. So they came up with a compromise. When her daughter comes down for breakfast my friend says Good morning, a little quieter than she used to and her daughter comes up and gives her a hug in silence. After that my friend does not speak to her daughter until after she’s more awake but she doesn’t feel rejected anymore because she’s been acknowledged.
Your husband is probably not going to through a total personality change but it IS possible for the two of you to find a system that works, one where you feel heard and he feels understood, it just might not look like long, drawn out conversations all the time.
Hi Claire,
Thank you for responding and offering your thoughts, I know that you don’t have the full story as there is too much to have to write. My husband does not want to communicate in any way or form regarding our relationship. All the way you have suggested have been tried at one point in time. Just this weekend I tried talking to him and he reminded me that I once told him that I would just have to accept his behavior and try to deal with being and feeling lonely. I feel i have given him a out by not expecting anything from him and he is completely content with that because he does not have to be accountable for anything he does or does not do. He tells me that he know’s what he does and how he treats me is wrong but has no explanation for why he does it, I told him that it was Unacceptable for him to not be able to tell me why he acts the way he acts Its a cowards way out. He only reply is that maybe I should find someone else. You mentioned that I am withholding sex as a way to get him to respond to my needs and that is not it at all.. How can one be intimate with another when they get nothing from that person ? He is not able to or willing to make himself vulnerable and express his feelings with me, where does that take a relationship ? He has been verbally and emotionally abusive and is completely aware of it and I am suppose to just sit back and give him what he wants (which is Sex).. He doesn’t ask for any a time alone, he won’t even sit by me on the couch or hold my hand..Compromise to him is his way or no way at all.. I am not trying to get anyone to side with me but just see it from my eyes.. When someone continues to treats you like they don’t like you would you not Assume they don’t like you? That is how i feel , he doesn’t like me but want’s to continue to treat me in that matter and expect me to continue as if its all ok. How can he tell me he loves me but doesn’t want to show me with words and actions of love?
Hi Angie, It’s good to hear that you have tried, I am sorry to hear that you have not had any success with them. It sounds like you are someone who is very willing to work on your marriage and your husband perhaps is not. So where does that leave you? You are correct in saying that you can’t have sex with someone you feel no connection to. I’d definitely agree with that. I’d also agree that his response that “he doesn’t know why he does it and you just have to accept it” is unacceptable. It’s a horrible thing to be alone in a marriage.
Part of me wonders what would happen if you asked your husband flat out if he loves you – but that’s probably a dangerous question. What happens if he says no? I’ve never understood why some people – men and women – get married but don’t seem to want to BE married, to take on that role of a spouse. Have you had a chance to go to con selling yourself? This is not suggesting that you are the problem, I don’t think you are, but I’m guessing your husband would not be willing to see a marriage counsellor. Often if both partners can’t or won’t go, just one going does provide some help. At the very least you’d have some support as you figure out what comes next. The counsellor might have some strategies that could help your husband re-engage with the relationship. Also, if you’ve been verbally and emotionally abused there is probably some repair work to be done to your own sense of self. Ideally, that sort of support should come from your husband, but if he is not meeting you in that need, a counsellor may be able to help.
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