Fighters and Cave Dwellers!

January 30, 2013

There are two extremes in conflict. I call them the fighters and the cave dwellers. Fighters are up for a good argument at any moment. Two fighters could have a volatile relationship but still learn to function well because they have found a productive way to handle their conflict. They blow up, solve, make up and move on. Not my style but the pattern works for some. The danger can be the cumulative damage of a harsh process that could be hurtful.

Another extreme… Cave dwellers respond to conflict by withdrawing. Two people in a relationship with this tendency will either bury the issue or process it internally. In the best case scenario, the internal processor may decide it is not a big deal and decide to let it go, or come out of the cave to discuss the conflict after time for personal reflection. In the worst case scenario, the person will bury issue after issue. They miss out on productive conflict and the relational growth that could result. Plus there is the danger of deep bitterness that gradually builds to the point that a note on the fridge says, “I’m done!”

Action:   On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being “cave dwellers” and 10 being “fighters,” decide where you each are in your relational conflict style. To what degree do issues get identified, discussed, resolved? What one thing could you do to improve your way of dealing with conflict?

Productive conflict happens when issues are identified and solutions are set in motion.