Best Friend
“Best friend” can sound like a silly, childish term to many people. It conjures up images of playground arguments between little girls, but it is a term that is dear to my heart.
I met Jocelyn in 1974, in Mrs. Ball’s kindergarten class. I was four years old and she was five. Over the course of a year spent huddled over the sand table and the craft centre, we became friends. I can’t remember who started the first conversation or shared the first cookie, but it stuck. We liked being together and we became inseparable.
Our first grade teacher, though, was afraid that our friendship would be bad for both of us.
Mrs. Lyon was afraid that I would never learn to talk. I was painfully shy and rarely spoke out loud. Jocelyn had no such compunctions.
I was the quiet, creative soul. She was the extrovert and the daredevil. I was easily frightened by things that weren’t familiar and people I didn’t know. Jocelyn never seemed to be scared of much of anything, but she took a lot of spills. She was my defender. I was her comforter.
With time, I found ways to express myself and Jocelyn learned to dodge bullets. We have been best friends for almost twenty-five years, time and distance notwithstanding. We have both grown and changed, but the bond we share has only grown stronger. When things are going great, I know who I want to tell. When things go wrong, I know who I want to call.
Not everyone is so fortunate.
“No man is an Island, entire of it self ” ~ John Donne
In a world which has a population rapidly approaching six billion people, it seems strange to think that anyone could be lonely. But most of us are.
Dr. Dean Ornish – a leading author on exercise, stress-management and low-fat eating – sees loneliness as a legitimate threat to human health: “The real epidemic isn’t physical heart disease. It’ s spiritual heart disease – loneliness and isolation.”
On the Internet this sense of isolation is profound. How many of us have found a chat room with a lone occupant asking “Is anybody there?”
Our lives are crowded with people, yet what we crave is intimacy – the certain knowledge that someone is familiar with us, that someone knows who we are and cares about what happens to us. We are designed to connect with other human beings.
Friendship is a virtue…and also it is one of the most indispensable requirements of life. ~ Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics
Friendship can be one of the most powerful and long-lasting “connections” in our lives.
Jan Yager, Ph.D., author of Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives (Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997), writes “Even if you are lucky enough to be raised in a very responsive and loving family, it is inevitable that you will someday leave home. But friends–old friends whom you have cultivated over the years, or newer ones whom you develop in your new communities–will always be available to you for affirmation and companionship.”
The fact is we need friendship. But for many of us it seems so difficult. How do you meet someone if you don’t know anyone? How do you go about getting a friend?
More important to ask is how can you be a friend.
In a study conducted among college students, Jan Yager asked participants to indicate what factors must be present in a close friendship: “Almost all agreed that trust and honesty were paramount, followed by faithfulness, loyalty, and being a good listener, and, finally, having ideas in common and love.”
Not surprisingly, if you make an effort to show an interest in someone else’s life, you will soon find that you not only are a friend but have a friend, too.
We can’t remember the moment now, but sometime in kindergarten either Jocelyn or I had to make the first move. Step out and take a chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. We were not identical personalities. We weren’t looking for perfection. But we cared about one another.
It can be something as simple as asking about a coworker’s children. Or making the effort to say more than “Hello” to your new neighbors. Offer someone your help, offer to share something you have or simply offer your time. Perhaps you and a classmate could share study help in the library. Buy them a cup of coffee and LISTEN. Take the time to let them tell their story–for most people, manners dictate that they reciprocate and ask “What about you?” You’ll soon find that you are sharing more than a cup of java.
Friendship is about more than details. It is companionship. It is caring. It is love.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both of them are transformed. ~ psychiatrist Carl Jung (quoted in “The Heart of Friendship” by Muriel James and Louis M. Savary)
Loneliness, at its core, is a feeling of disconnection – the feeling that “nobody loves me.” And we all want to be loved.
In the English language, we have only one word for this complex emotion. It is applied in so many places that we often avoid using the word for fear that we will be misunderstood. The Greeks, though, had a way to express the fact that we love different people in different ways. They defined love in four categories, with a different word for each:
- Storage is familial love. It is a strong bond of affection between people in a family unit.
- Eros is romantic love. Sweaty palms and butterflies in the stomach. This is a possessive and physical love – all of our senses are involved.
- Phileo is brotherly love, for which the American city of Philadelphia is named. This is the love we feel, or should feel, for our fellow man. It is empathy – the ability to put ourselves “in another man’s shoes” – and it is appreciation – the acknowledgement of the value of the person or thing we have affection for.
- Agape is pure love. Selfless love. Love with no thought of personal gain; a conscious decision to give of yourself to another purely because you want them to be happy.
The love we feel for our friends has strong elements of STORGE, but is more closely related to PHILEO (in fact the Greek word for friend is “philos”). Yet ideally, friendship should also be AGAPE – a friend is someone you love not for what they can do for you, or for what they are, or for what you can do for them, but simply because you can.
We tend to think of love as a give and take. But what would happen if we loved without any thought of reward or benefit to ourselves?
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend. ~ John 15:13
Selfless, or AGAPE, friendship is a humbling ideal. It is so easy to serve our own needs; to use others to fill the void within. As much as I love Jocelyn, I can admit that I have not always acted with only her good in mind.
I didn’t really understand this at first. As I became a teenager, though, I began to ask why our friendship still left so much in each of us unfulfilled. Although I had a best friend, I remained shy and uncertain. As much as I loved Jocelyn, and as much as I knew she loved me, there was an assurance I was missing.
We helped each other cope with difficulties, but we still frequently failed. We overlooked each other’s faults, but the faults remained. As much as we told each other, there were still things we couldn’t say. I had the love of a friend, but I was still profoundly LONELY.
At thirteen, I didn’t believe that anyone could ever change that, but I was wrong. There was an answer.
That answer is in the Bible. Here there are many good examples of AGAPE friendship. Ruth gave up her family, her homeland, and the likely opportunity to remarry so she could be with and take care of her mother-in-law (Ruth 1:11-18). Jonathan loved David so much that he took the risk of betraying his own father to save his friend’s life (1 Samuel 20). The Bible’s model of friendship is one of sacrifice. The greatest sacrifice ever made.
2000 years ago, a thirty-year-old Jewish carpenter was nailed to a wooden cross and died. His crime was unclear – not even the Roman officials could see why He had been brought before them. Yet His enemies were legion. Even His own people demanded His execution. Quietly, without complaint, He walked to the place of His death and accepted the pain and degradation of His punishment.
Why?
AGAPE. Love without limits.
Jesus loves us not because of what we are or what we can do for Him, but just because He can. If we let Him. He knows ALL of who we are. He will NEVER turn us away, if we come to Him with a sincere heart. He gave EVERYTHING for us, so that we can be free from the hurts we carry and the mistakes we’ve made. He is ALWAYS there for us. His death guarantees forgiveness. His resurrection guarantees eternity.
Friendship is a gift to be treasured – Jocelyn is my best friend and I love her very much. I am grateful to be a part of her life.
Yet no one could ever be the friend that Jesus is because no one could ever make the loving sacrifice that He did or be as “ever present” as He is. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
Jesus is the permanent solution to loneliness. He said, “I am standing and knocking at your door. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in and we will eat together.” (Revelation 3:20) Step out and take a chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Jesus is a friend like no other; a best friend without equal. Get to know Him today.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day. There are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Notes
1. From Jeffrey Zaslow, USA WEEKEND, 02-08-1998, p. 030
2. Jan Yager, Ph.D., “Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives”, Stamford: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997, p. 5.
3. Ibid, p. 5.
4. All Biblical references from the New International Version of The Holy Bible, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1978.