Step

Written by Shaun Smith

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.” ~Mother Theresa

He is unaware of my presence. His eyes are closed, the patterned quilt above him faintly rising and falling. The small clock radio at his bedside blares an old country station, but the silence is overwhelming. Grandchildren innocently look out from photographs haphazardly arranged on the desk. A wooden frame holds a younger, stronger version of the man laying in the bed.

He is contentedly unaware of this. And so I sit in a corner of his room, waiting for the possibility that he’ll wake up and need someone.

Here I am. For the possibility.

I am in a long term facility where my grandfather lives out his last few days. He sleeps much of the day, and the doctors haven’t given him much time to live. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week. But it will be soon. And here in these slow-moving days, as silence is interrupted only by footsteps in the hall, I get to thinking: “Could the world be a better place?”

Stuck between free hugs and a hard place

We all want the world around us to change for the better. Sometimes our desire for change comes close to breaking our hearts. We see brokenness in our world and we cry out for change. We see babies dying, teenagers losing hope, injustice and unfairness. We desperately want change. The problem is, we don’t know where to begin.

When it comes to changing the world there is an ongoing skirmish in the dusty desert of my soul. I have lived in the camp of the Eternal Optimist, where the days are filled with sunshine and passionate movements. They preach “Change!” from the rooftops, and generally talk to you as though the world can change in this moment. They lead the conversation, full of life and vigor and the pursuit of change in the midst of a difficult and busy world.

If they’re really passionate, the words spill out of them like an ocean tide on too much caffeine. The change is sweeping, all-encompassing and it will happen right now. The world can be better, will be better and is going to be better because of you and me. It comes across like a late-night infomercial, the seller is loud and the product is cheap. But don’t worry, just embrace it and follow, right?

I recently came across three Eternal Optimists while shopping at the mall. They were dressed in dark clothing (for irony, I think), and they carried a sign that proclaimed, “FREE HUGS!” In my fascination, I watched as they walked past people, around people. Each time, there were no hugs, free or otherwise. In fact, there was a general avoidance of the dark-clothed happy people offering their poisonous free hugs. As a bystander, I found it both sadly ironic and darkly funny.

Learning to step

The problem with change is that it’s impossible to measure. When change is called for we want sweeping changes, dramatic changes that will alter the course of history. We don’t like our government, we elect a new one. When we want change in our health, we buy a workout program, or a gym membership.  We start working toward that new goal with all of our efforts. We like the sweeping dramatic results. Anything less seems, well, not enough.

My four year old daughter appreciates change better than I do. One afternoon, after picking her up at pre-school, I asked how her day went. She looked at me, and then her face brightened and her grin spread across her face and she proclaimed, “Daddy, I got invited to A BIRTHDAY PARTY!” The change in her was enormous. Our family has moved around a lot so she hasn’t had much opportunity to make friends.  Here she was, at the end of her day, beaming from the kindness of one of her friends asking her if she wanted to come to his birthday party. A small step of kindness – an enormous impact on my daughter. This is something beautiful.

Stepping out

And so here I sit, an agent of change. I think that perhaps change is less about history and headlines and more about each day’s countless opportunities to step out in kindness. It’s less on our own desire to create change and more about realizing that change can happen right in front of us. I sit, while my grandfather lives out his last days, unaware if I am his grandson, or a doctor, or an old fishing buddy from years ago.

But then grandpa shifts in his bed. The blanket falls to the floor and he’s cold. I can see his discomfort, how he moves his legs in the attempt to warm himself. I get up, step toward the bed, and move the blankets just enough to cover his legs.

I step.

I make change.  And the world changes with me.

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