Jake knew it was going to be an adjustment when he was awarded full custody of his daughter. He just didn’t foresee how tough the challenge would be to make a home for him and Katie.

Jake soon came to realize if it wasn’t a physical need he was tending to, it was an emotional one. And forget about meeting spiritual needs, Jake’s entire energy was spent on seeing to it that food was on the table and there were enough clean clothes for the next day. Any plans Jake had for helping his daughter cope with her mom’s absence had long since been forgotten in the dailies of living.

As Jake discovered, single parenting is all about facing past hurts, dealing with present fears and building a future full of promise (while simultaneously coping with the everyday pressures of life). By taking pro-active steps to help ease the transitional period between the two parent family to single parent family living, adults might ask themselves, “Has my child grieved the loss of his first family unit yet?”

Dr. Robert Hemfelt, psychologist/co-author of Kids Who Carry Our Pain describes the process in this way. “Grief is one of the few common threads children of all ages share. It’s necessary, for life is a constant process of loving and losing; the child repeatedly leaves one comfortable niche to embark on a new level of living . . . The old familiarity must be grieved.”

Parents must be there to help children work through their grief so they can move toward true acceptance of their new family unit. Once the child has been given room to feel his way through his anger and sadness; he is more able to accept and forgive. In practical terms, parents (both custodial and non-custodial) must be willing to listen (repeatedly) to their child’s thoughts/views and empathize with them in meaningful ways. Moving ahead in an effort to build a strong, single parent family unit becomes much simpler after old hurts have been properly addressed.

Once the family has embarked on this great adventure – single parent family living – putting into practice the following suggestions can make daily life more promising and peaceful:

• Fully grieve. The process of grieving is no less vital to your child’s emotional healing than to yours. Kids feel the same emotions as adults; they simply do not have the skills to articulate them in the precise manner which grown-ups utilize. Help your child identify his feelings as normal and be ready to share your heart with him. Let him know he is “okay” even though his emotions may be volatile at times. Above all, give your child time to grieve the loss he feels so keenly. Don’t rush or prod him in an attempt to “get this over with” so we can get on with our lives. Reminder: the grieving process is characterized by denial, anger, bargaining (what if’s), sadness/depression, resolution, and then forgiveness.

• Bond(ed). Discuss new creative traditions you and your child would like to incorporate during upcoming celebrations such as birthdays, holidays, and vacations. Think of some things you “always wanted to try” but haven’t gotten around to doing. . . make a birthday piñata, go caroling and hand out cookies at Christmas, join a summer bowling league. Don’t wait for a special event to try something different; designate every Thursday evening as family fun night. Order a pizza, get out the board games, watch a video and relax. “In this high-tech, run-run age, families find it exceedingly difficult to simply sit back and fool around. And yet that relaxed atmosphere of simply being – that’s all, just being – nurtures the children’s sense of family beautifully,” says Dr. Hemfelt.

• Get resourceful. Take a trip to your local Christian book store or ask your church librarian or pastor for reference books dealing with single parenting issues. Look for materials to read with your child and then discuss questions/answers together. Share the experience of seeing each situation through the positive viewpoint found in God’s Word. Study various issues of particular interest to your child . . . divorce, loneliness, hopelessness, anger, grief, sexuality, finances, goal-setting.

• Keep a diary. Purchase diaries (or bound notebooks); one for you and one for each child. Set aside time at least once a week to write down feelings/thoughts/ideas in the diary. Take a minimum of one half hour to journal and reminisce over the past week. Mentally review the different events and how you (your child) responded to them. Communicate to your child that journalling is a way of getting out thoughts we might not have taken time to really think through before. After you’ve finished, put the books away, bring out the hot cocoa and don’t be surprised if your child opens the lines of communication with a question (thought) or two.

• Bits and pieces. Buy a scrapbook, get out the Bible and select a “life verse” for your family. Choose a verse which will fortify your family during troubled times and bring joy during blessed events. Write this verse in the front cover of the scrapbook. Then gather photos, ticket stubs, awards, newspaper cuttings, and other memorabilia. Glue each one into the scrapbook and write down funny sayings or make mention of God’s provision under each item to help recall any “fuzzy” memories. As you work on this project, opportunities to reminisce will naturally unfold hidden tears/laughter. The scrapbook itself will remain a tangible reminder of a past filled with good times too. It also gives the child a “touchable” foundation on which to build a happier future.

• Reach out. In your family’s pain, extend yourself to others who are hurting or needy. Look around your neighborhood, your family, your church. Select an elderly man or woman who could use a hand or an ear. Befriend the lonely and set an example of giving for your child to pattern himself after. Reaching out need not be extravagant or costly. It only demands small bites of time given in loving service.

• Practical healers. Consider the benefit of a pet or a new hobby. Time spent in loving an animal or in developing a personal skill takes energy and concentration. Your child needs to focus on areas outside of his family and the current transitional pain it brings. Give your child the help he needs to experience satisfaction in a job well done. Assist him in finding his niche, whether it be learning to care for an animal or developing his newest roller-blading moves.

• Outside help. Recognize the occasional necessity of bringing in others to help you and your child cope with the losses you’ve both experienced. Turn to trusted pastors, Sunday school teachers, youth group leaders, or professional Christian counselors. Admitting your child has a need you cannot fill does not signal defeat or weakness. Rather, seeking support from those who hold a significant place in your child’s life reveals a humble heart and a Godly perseverance needed in developing a mature family life. In sum, Dr. Hemfelt has these words to encourage healthy families in general and healthy individuals specifically, “To erect a solid skyscraper and shore up the rickety levels already in place, you need personal, one-on-one contact with your child – “time in the saddle,” a laconic cowboy once called it. Nothing else will do.”

Written resources to help strengthen your family

• Kids Who Carry Our Pain, by Dr. Robert Hemfelt and Dr. Paul Warren (Nelson)
• Love Is A Choice, by Drs. Hemfelt, Minirth, Meier (Nelson)
• Shepherding A Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp (Shepherd Press)
• Hide and Seek, by Dr. James Dobson (Fleming Revell)
• Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World, by Zig Ziglar (Oliver-Nelson)
• Nobody Likes Me: Helping Your Child Make Friends, by Elaine McEwan (Harold Shaw)
• The Father Connection: 10 Qualities of the Heart That Empower Your Children to Make Right Choices, by Josh McDowell (Broadman & Holman)