Do your children have time to do childlike things? Do you let them say “yes” to Jesus’ invitation to simply rest? Our society is slowly losing track of what it even means to be a child. We want our children to be productive and efficient, even though developmentally being creative and taking their time would be much more beneficial. We stress competence and competition in ways that are unhealthy. This manifests itself not only in sports but in academic pressures a well, even on very young children.

“While parents have traditionally taken pride in their offspring’s achievements and have been concerned about their education,” says David Elkind in his book, The Hurried Child, “it is a characteristic of contemporary society that we burden preschoolers with the expectations and anxieties normally (if wrongly) visited upon high school seniors. Today, parents brag not only about the colleges and prep schools their children are enrolled in but also about which private kindergartens they attend.” [1]

Elkind first took note of these problems in the late 1970s and early ‘80s. That means many of today’s parents were hurried children themselves. They grew up doing too much, were pushed too hard, exposed to too much. Elkind harshly criticizes organized sports, especially for young children. “At the preschool age,” he writes, “children will gain much more from their own spontaneous play then they will from any organized sport.” [2]

Despite Elkind preaching this message for 20 years or more, young kids today are still in highly competitive, organized sports. They are pushed to grow up even faster now then they were ten years ago. Parents who grew up in Little League and travel soccer don’t know anything different, so what they are doing to their own children feels normal. That makes it even harder to go against the grain.

No time to “just play”

Many adults who overschedule their kids seem unaware that their children don’t have time to “just play.” Ironically, the children are busy “playing” sports, but to them it doesn’t feel like play. Why? There are many reasons, including the fact that many kids are pushed into activities that reflect their parents’ interests and drive for success more than their own. But mostly, organized sports are too structured. To most young kids, extreme structure and fun are polar opposites.

I’m not saying that kids don’t need some structure and limits, because I know they do need them. But kids on a team run by adults (as opposed to playing tag or kickball in the backyard) miss out on some things: the chance to learn to negotiate with other kids about who is on what team and who plays each position. Often, backyard games include rules or roles that the kids make up as they go along, which teaches them to think on their feet and use their imagination.

Productivity or creativity?

But it is the structure of sports or other “classes” that appeals to parents. The kids are not wasting time; they are being productive, learning a skill, working toward a goal. In our culture, these things are highly valued. Why? Productivity is important for machines, but is it that important for children? Can creativity and productivity be nurtured simultaneously? Is competency at an early age the most important thing we should cultivate in our children?

Soccer moms and kids – stressed out!

Some kids enjoy sports, but often sports create stress. Think about it. Imagine you are five.

“This is a soccer ball,” the coach says. “You kick it. I know you’ve never played this game, but we expect you to do it really well. The idea is to kick the ball into the goal. You’re not just kicking it around for fun. You’re trying to win. We’re going to line you up in two teams on a field, and we’re going to have some adults in canvas folding chairs sit on the sidelines. They’re going to scream at you while you try to kick the ball toward the goal. The other kids will try to kick it, and likely, they will be able to kick it away from you. Then the adults will scream even more. They’ll all be yelling different things, so you won’t be able to understand what they are saying. You can pretty much bet that your parents will be telling you to do one thing while I, your coach, will be telling you another.”

I doubt a coach would actually tell our kids these things. Even peewee soccer has its spin doctors. “Isn’t this fun?” we say, telling more than asking. I saw a newspaper article recently in which several children were quoted as saying that they wouldn’t play soccer at all if it weren’t for the high-calorie nutritionally bereft treats given out after the game. That’s right: it’s not our yelling that motivates our kids, it’s the promise of a juice box and a bag of Cheetos.

I’ve been one of those screaming adults, and it wasn’t much fun for me either. I’d come home with an angry child and a sore throat. Through painful experiences for myself and my children, I’ve learned a lot about keeping quiet on the sidelines on my kids’ sporting events. But it does not surprise me when I overhear children saying, “I don’t want to go to soccer practice right now Mom – I’m playing.” That is, playing at some game of the child’s own devising, playing at something that does not involve adults telling the child what to do and how to do it.

Why kids need down time

I am not opposed to organized sports. My daughter is on a soccer team. But she’s not on two different soccer teams, a baseball team, and the swim team as well. Her schedule purposely includes several days a week where she has no lessons, no obligations (other than school and homework). She has time to read and to just listen to music in her room or play with a friend. I create space in our calendar for these types of days, because I have come to realize that my kids also need time for unstructured activities where no adult is directing them. Why? Because it’s important for them developmentally. If kids have adults directing them 24-7, they don’t know how to direct themselves. That’s why so many kids say to their parents, “I’m bored!”

The unhurried children Jesus saw

When Jesus said we need to come to him as a little child, He wasn’t thinking of today’s overscheduled, hurried kids. He was thinking of someone who knows how to just be, how to take life as it comes and notice the wonder in ordinary things. Are you cultivating those character qualities in your children? Ironically, the way to cultivate such things is to step back and not hover, plan or schedule. Provide a safe environment and appropriate supervision but not too many directions.

For example, on a warm day, give a toddler a couple of small buckets of water and several small plastic cups. Put him in the backyard, sit in a lawn chair nearby, and watch what happens. Without any instructions, the child will probably dump at least one bucket on himself, but he will enjoying scooping water from one bucket to the other with the cups. He may learn some things, and he may get a little messy, but mostly he’ll have fun.

Breathing exercise

Do you and your children have time to simply play? Do you relax with them, or give them time to just “hang out”? What might be some of the benefits of having such time? How might time to daydream and read affect your child’s spiritual life? How might allowing this kind of thing affect your ability to trust, to not have control?

Notes

[1] David Elkind, The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon (Cambridge, MA: Perseus, 2001), 40.

[2] ibid., 34

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