“My only real goal in life, as a young girl, was to have a family. A large family. Perhaps this was rather a naïve and romantic fantasy – nurtured by stories of family fun and laughter, of caring and loving and being loved. For when it came to actually having a family, I soon learnt that family life was anything but easy. It means hard word and endless commitments. It was demanding and challenging, and a daily grind.

Tired, I tended to snap at my boys

Two cute little boys filled my days. James, at three, was a cheerful and inquisitive child, who exhausted me with his questions, his energy and his penchant for doing the things that little boys do, like scraping his knees and falling off beds and bumping his head, playing with match sticks, and so on. John was a more placid baby but equally demanding of my time and attention. Sometimes I felt so stretched and tired that I would snap at them even as the day was starting. My tone of voice became harsh and unloving. Picking up negative vibes from me, the children too would become bad-tempered, petulant and sullen.

Surely this was not how mothering and family life was meant to be.

My words weren’t reflecting God’s warmth

With a heavy heart I also realized that the children’s first impressions of God as a Parent were picked up from me. Some of my words and tone of voice did not reflect the love and warmth that God as Father uses toward His children. Jesus gave us the golden rule, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” I expected the children to be sweet to me, to be loving and smiling and full of hugs and kisses. This rule defined that I should treat them the way I wanted them to treat me. It occurred to me that children were also people, even though they were only little people, and that Jesus’ rule included them, too.

What my radio background taught me

As a radio broadcaster I was aware of how important tone and inflection of voice were, and paid special attention to how certain phrases were said, practicing to get them to sound just right. I realized that if the way I spoke and sounded mattered so much where other people were concerned, then it should matter even more where my own children were concerned. I started to deliberately watch my words and my tone of voice and began to notice the change, both in me, and in the boys. Words of encouragement replaced reproaches; words of endearment were used instead of the usual snubs. The more gentle and tender my voice was, the more the boys became open and loving with their language too.

Many a family’s harmony is ruined by harsh, unkind words and dehumanizing language. I was lucky to learn this lesson while my children were still young. All through their childhood things were fine.

New lessons for the teen years

However, just as they were entering their teens, the language problem started again. It seemed that every sentence was punctuated with a negative, hurtful word.

Once in desperation, I laid down a rule. I would only answer them if they addressed me as “amma (the Indian equivalent of “Mommy darling”). Through gritted teeth and in a voice laced heavily with sarcasm, Jamie would say, “amma darling, can I go out?” Then the funny side took over and we all realized how ridiculous we were being.

As a family we learned the power of words to heal and encourage and to bring laughter. Love doesn’t come from rules, but from the heart, and more so from loving words.

This article was adapted with permission from India Focus, the missions journal of Campus Crusade for Christ, India.