I am in a relationship with a man who is a recovering alcoholic. He is wonderful and very spiritual since his recovery; he wants me to be in that spiritual place with him. He has mentioned going through the twelve steps, but I am unclear. Will this work for me as a Christian who does not have a drinking problem? How do I start? Do I go to Al-Anon meetings and get a sponsor just as the alcoholics do? Please help me to understand so that we can go together through this journey of life.

Advice: The 12 steps are for everyone. Most of us come from some type of dysfunctional background. I learned a lot by going to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). It could just as well be called Adult Children of Adam. I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home, but after my father died (I was 7) my mother married a man who had alcoholic behaviour in his background. His father had been an alcoholic.

I have also learned that if you grew up in a rigid, dogmatic, religious home, you might also qualify for ACA. Parents who are quick to judge, stern, unfeeling, impossible to please often cause a child to be self-focused and filled with self doubt. Through any of these, self-esteem can be damaged as much as the self-esteem of a child who has grown up in an alcoholic or substance abuse home. A year of going to ACA helped me. I think your fiancee is right that it would be good for you to be involved in the program. Try going for several months and see how you feel. Find an ACA group that meets in a church and has people you like.

In Christ,
a Christian Women Today mentor