A waiter ushered an elderly couple to a booth in a restaurant. The woman scooted over so her husband could sit alongside her and view the television screen on the opposite wall. But rather than take the seat she offered, he winked at her and plopped down across from his wife.

“I’d rather look at you,” he said.

His wife’s face glowed as she returned his smile. The brief exchange revealed volumes about their relationship. They knew how to keep romance alive!

Prince Charming and Cinderella meet reality

Movies, TV and books help shape our idea of romance. The characters in the stories are often beautiful. A 5′ 9,” 105- pound woman wears a gorgeous evening gown on an intimate date with her tall, dark and handsome boyfriend. He’s rented their favorite restaurant for a candlelit dinner for two. It’s the stuff from which dreams are made. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what it is, a dream. Hollywood has influenced our ideas of romance. Is it any wonder that after the wedding vows, couples have difficulty reconciling their preconceived notion of romance with reality?

When Cinderella and Prince Charming married, did they realize what lie ahead of them? Ever after is a very long time. What happened when they woke up the morning after their nuptials with their hair sticking out at odd angles and breath that could knock an elephant over? Did their romance die on the vine?

On a TV game show a celebrity guest caustically remarked that marriage meant the chase was over. Glamorous Zsa-Zsa Gabor quickly retorted, “Nonsense dahling. Zee chase isn’t over, it’s just begeeening.”
Zsa-Zsa was right. Once you tie the knot it doesn’t mean you no longer need to charm your mate. Before my husband and I married we were nauseatingly romantic, writing endearing syrupy notes to each other, holding hands, and calling each other pet names. But when we said, “I do,” we assumed we no longer needed to impress the other person. Slowly, we dropped our guard. The positive result was we became more genuine with each other and we could let our “warts” show. The down side meant we knew each other so well there weren’t too many surprises left. A few more years of marriage and this comfort turned into dull routine. Romance was on life support. We needed to get back to the chase.

Romance by the book

Jacob first met Rachel, his wife to be, at a well in Padden Aram. The Scriptures tell us she was lovely in form and beautiful. She must have made quite an impression on Jacob who was so smitten he agreed to work seven years for Rachel’s father, Laban, to earn her hand in marriage. Seven years is a long time for a relationship to last if it were only based on physical attraction. Jacob had plenty of time to reconsider the woman he had chosen to marry. Despite the lengthy courtship, which was actually extended seven more years beyond Jacob’s initial agreement with Laban, he remained deeply in love with Rachel. Their obvious affection for each other continued long after they said their marriage vows. (Genesis 29:9-20) What intrigued Jacob so about Rachel? I like to imagine she was charming and witty, someone who knew how to tease. Just being near her brought Jacob pleasure. She was a master of the art of captivation. Rachel knew how to keep the chase alive.

Song of Songs overflows with descriptions of two lovers’ physical attraction for each other. For the most part it focuses on the man’s attraction to the woman. Her beauty is what initially draws the man to her. But one particular verse (Song of Songs 5: 9-10) turns the tables. Friends of the young maiden challenged her to explain what made her beloved so exceptional. “My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven.” The remaining text borders on ooey-gooey in its praise. What can we learn from this? The importance of praising our partner. No purchased romantic trinket can replace the value of verbally building up our lover.

Proverbs 15:27 says, “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day…” The writer knew what it was like to be constantly battered by criticism. He sounds as if he can’t stand his own wife. Constant criticism can drive a wedge in a relationship and choke romance to death.

Everyday love

Being a glass half-empty kind of person, I have to work hard at building my husband up. Sometimes my efforts are laughable. But since becoming aware of my need to do this, it has become easier. Sometimes it’s something as simple as saying, “thanks for getting gas in the car for me. I really appreciate it.” Not exactly Hollywood screenplay material, but it makes my husband feel valued.

Mutual respect is part of a marriage’s firm foundation. For years, my friend Lin’s negative, critical spirit nearly always focused negatively on her husband and family. One day, during a soul-searching quiet time, Lin’s destructive behavior was revealed to her. Now she operates under the WYSTTYB principle (Would You Say That to Your Boss?) She’s made it a habit to never say anything to her husband that she wouldn’t say to her boss, neighbor or pastor. Her radically different attitude changed her marriage relationship.

Efforts toward self-improvement, like Lin’s, are one way to show your partner you really care. There are other simple actions we can take to keep the sparks flying. Something as simple as changing a hairstyle or donning a new outfit can be a real self-esteem booster and such small gestures convey a sense of visual teasing in which a spouse delights. But verbal teasing, like a corny joke that both partners appreciate or poking fun at each other’s silly habits, can be just as appealing. When done with a sense of balance it keeps the electricity flowing.

• You can fan the flames through touching. My husband came from a huggy family. I come from a long line of ice cubes. Jeff taught me the value of human contact. It isn’t unusual for him to come up behind me and give me a tight squeeze, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I am still working on improving my warm fuzzy responses. It remains a work area for me. We give each other back rubs and foot rubs. We take showers together. Sometimes we hold hands when we take walks.

• Share each other’s worlds. If your mate loves sports and you’re the creative type, interest in sports probably doesn’t come naturally. Recently I watched the Master’s golf tournament with my husband. It would not have been my first choice for a Saturday afternoon activity, but it made his day. I learned more about the game and my gesture showed my interest in him.

• Romantic people share their accomplishments and struggles. Dinner out to celebrate a triumph at work, a scribbled note of encouragement on the home message board, a shared prayer to uplift a sagging spirit.

• Romantic people don’t take each other for granted. Don’t get into the habit of just calling your husband to remind him to bring home a gallon of milk. Surprise him. Call to tell him you love him. It’s easy to do as newlyweds, but the challenge comes when the “honeymoon” period of your marriage is over.

• Romantic people share hobbies and similar interests. Kathy and Jeff Cooper’s children are now grown and on their own. One would think that the amount of pizzazz in the Cooper’s marriage would be closely related to the number of years they have been married, and yet they seem like newlyweds. They remain each other’s best friends. Every morning Kathy and Jeff rise before work and set out together on their morning jog. They are also avid campers and still like to go camping with friends. They have discovered a key secret to a romantic marriage. Each chord of interest they have together is woven into a stronger, unifying cord, which binds their relationship together.

• Romantic people dream together. Jeff and I have longed to own a Victorian home but our finances have never permitted it. So instead of the real thing, we settled for an enormous Victorian dollhouse, one that Jeff painstakingly assembled. It remains a symbol of our romantic dream. One older friend of mine explained the way she and her husband still share their dreams. “Roger has a special thing that he’s done since before we were married. He tells me his dreams about us growing old together and sitting on a porch in rocking chairs with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren running around.” What a romantic and comforting picture.

Till death do us part is a very long time. It means you and your partner will grow old together, but it doesn’t mean your marriage relationship has to grow old with you. Small acts of kindness and compassionate gestures all work together to keep the sparks of flying. Make it a game to see how many different ways you can show your mate you love him. Remember, the chase isn’t over. It’s just beginning.