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I couldn’t cry. I knew if I started I would never stop. My whole world had crashed before my very eyes but I had to be strong. I had to hold it together. I had to seem like everything was going to be all right. For their sake I needed to be in control at all times. Did they know the pain that I was hiding? Could they see in my eyes the terror of what was happening in our lives? Did it show or had I fooled even my children?
A year had passed since the separation. He had finally brought divorce papers so he could marry someone else. I wasn’t the same woman that had gathered up my children and ran for our lives. He could no longer control and manipulate me. I had drawn a line and would not cross it until he was delivered and free from the chains that had him bound. The chains that had so harshly molded our lives into a living hell would not destroy my children as well. No, I would not let them grow up like that. They didn’t deserve that kind of life. I would face the shame of a failed marriage; I could suffer the loneliness if that’s what it took.
But this, he was just going to throw away our marriage, our family so that he could have “someone”? How could a fifteen-year marriage just be tossed aside in a moment? Oh the rejection, the pain, the horrendous need to scream from the very depths of my being. Oh no, they could not see. They could not know. I had to protect them.
I had never been through a mourning process. I had recognized some of the stages of grieving and had been surprised. I didn’t know that you could grieve even though no one had died. I kept everything inside and found ways to control this process. I began wearing black and brown clothes. I knew those were the colors of death and dead things but no one else knew what I was doing. I thought I had fooled everyone. It was my way of seeming strong and ok to the world, but hurting with intense pain on the inside. But there was someone who I could not fool. I had never voiced what I was doing how could they have known? But, my Lord Jesus, who knows me inside and out knew exactly what I was doing and knew that I needed to get on with my life.
He spoke to me that New Years Eve as I was getting dressed in my black underclothes, brown slacks and black blouse. My heart was crying to be refreshed and alive that’s why I had driven with a friend 600 miles to a conference. But my mind was bound, afraid to hope, afraid to go forward. And then He spoke, He said, “No more”. I looked at the black blouse in my hand and knew where I was. It brought me to a reality that changed me again. At that moment I realized what I had been doing and knew that I was holding myself back. I was clinging to a back-up plan in case God’s hope didn’t work. That was not faith though and could never heal my broken life. I said, “Yes Lord”. I made a decision to let go and let God have it all. Whatever that meant. He had been there for me in so many ways already. I could count on Him to supply my every need. I trusted Him to carry my children through this horrible time and knew that they would be ok, why had I refused to trust Him with my future? Every day I would get up and have faith that He would carry me through that day but I could not give Him tomorrow. I had been holding on to it, afraid of what it would be. When I said, “Yes” to Him it changed everything.
I began to hope again. I began to cling to the scripture in Joel 2:25 “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” I began to hope again and let the Lord restore me and heal me. The first step though was to have faith. Without faith in Him we can accomplish nothing. He is in control and He is faithful. All of the promises in the Bible are for us and we can hold on to them and know that He loves us and wants good for us. Another scripture that I held on to and actually posted on my refrigerator so that I would not forget was Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope.”
Yes, He had it all under control. I could rest in His arms and in His unfailing love. He is so good.
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I just read Joann McDonald and it helped me so much to read her article and your website. It gives me strength to go on as I too is going through a divorce and I miss everything about our marriage. I can only admire Ms McDonald as she had children to look out for as well as I do have children but they are grown-ups.
Thanks Joann
I’m going through an horrendous divorce myself. We are officially divorced, but i miss my ex wife everyday. Not a day goes by, when i think about her. Today is our anniversary, our 15th. I get the legal papers tommorrow for the selling our home, we both grew to love. I have tried contacting her via text, but she never replies. She has a bondage master as a partner, and with all the upset involved, our lives are forever changed, and i know i have lost her.
i dont know how i am going to “move on”. My friends say i must forget her, but i just find it so difficult. I have tried so hard in finding on various dating sites, a new partner, but for me personally, it all seems a joke, and i am living a false life, trying to put on a brave face with everybody, but inside i feel so numb and cut up.
How does anybody get through this nightmare? I dont even “know” who i am now, and my feelings are just not right. I nearly every night, for her return, or at least an inroad to reconciliation, but on the odd occasion i have met her, i simply freeze up inside, it is a “freezing out” how i feel. If she broke the ice, it would unhinge my heart to some extent, and warm over much of the deep hurt. She sees no wrong doing whatsover, in her behaviour.
Please pray for us and our 14 year old daughter, it is a painful emotional stalemate that just rolls on, month after month.
Yours Sincerely,
Roland Barkans
Jill, you say your children are grown up so I feel you must be about my age. I dont know if your circumstances are the same, but I too ran from an abuser. I knew him as a friend many years ago, when we were both in other relationships. we met up again when I was back in my home country for christmas. he came on holiday and just sort of stayed. He moved into my home, convinced me that he had fallen in love with me and never ever had a job or brought anything to the table. The situation worsened until I was locked in my own apartment with my id documents stolen together with every penny I had. He was having an affair with a local woman, but wouldnt leave my house. Only when the police helped me escape did I leave with nothing. I cant believe the fix Im in, having to start again. from scratch. He still telephones to hurl abuse at me because I left him!! I am not an idiot. I am not un educated. I have never been treated like that in my life. He doesnt want me back but cant break the habit of holding me responsible for his every ill. He also crys and makes me feel sorry for him like its my fault. How do I stop the madness and start over._
Louise, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. You’ve done the hardest part already – you got out. Now begins the work of starting over. I would strongly, strongly, urge you to change your telephone number. He has no business calling you, crying or making you feel bad. Change your number and don’t give him the new one. If it’s a cellphone and a change could be costly, go to your cellphone company and tell them that you are being harassed and need a new number for your safety and they may be able to reduce or cancel the charges. If you absolutely cannot change your number for some reason then you need to at least stop taking his calls. When he phones just very calmly say, “I can’t talk to you. Please stop calling.” and hang up. If he phones right back, ignore it.
Part of moving on is cutting ties. You have to remove this man from your life. You do not deserve to be yelled at on the phone and you are not required to listen to him because he’s someone that you used to have a relationship with. When he started having an affair he gave up his rights to expect anything from you. It costs you emotional strength to deal with these calls and you don’t have to. You said that he can’t break the habit of holding you responsible for things – if he can’t, then break the habit for him. Stop being there for him. Don’t give in to his calls. You need to protect yourself by cutting off all contact with him. It’s time. I know it’s hard because it means admitting that it’s really over between you, but it is over and if you want to move forward you have to let go of what used to be. Mourn it, but mourn it and let it go.
Put a stop to the calls and use that emotional energy to focus on building your new life instead. It’s going to take some time, but you CAN do this.
Claire,
Thank you so much for your positive response. I have already blocked his number from the cell, but he uses other phones and witholds the number. As soon as possible I will enter into a new contract for the phone and change the number.
This whole horrible scenario only culminated at the end of last year and I honestly think I was in shock. I left with the clothes I stood in and never ever believed my life would come to this.Thing is I didnt really get upset until this last week when I cant stop crying. total meltdown. The rage was unreal I wished every vile thing to be heaped by every entity I could think of.{even trying to cosmically order bits of his anatomy to fester – well the visualisation part of it was easy, I dont suppose it worked} It takes far too much energy to feel that mad and anyway it only confirms what a demented hysteric he said I was {while actually laughing at me}.
It is a mammoth task to get myself straightened out with a new apartment and try to replace everything. I dont want to feel like a victim, and would like nothing more than to wipe the whole unfortunate business from my memory. I feel so stupid too. There were huge signals that I did on reflection see that he was not the man he claimed to be {pathalogical liar is another attribute} But I didnt think to do a background check. {good job I never crossed paths with the Boston Strangler I suppose. I would probably have invited him for tea!!! How I have less common sense now than I did twenty years ago is ridiculous. I will get there and I will get the life I want. Just feel a bit raw just now. thank you again for your kind advice.
Louise, It makes sense that it might not hit you until a bit later. Chances are good that you were in shock and your body just wasn’t ready for you to process that right away. I can understand the meltdown, it’s a huge change and stress to realize that what you thought was going to be a good situation has turned out to be a nightmare. The rage makes sense too – you probably feel cheated, and lied to and betrayed, it’s a lot to get angry about. You’ll probably also find that you’re in a grieving process. Not that you’re grieving the loss of someone who wasn’t a nice guy, but rather you’re grieving the loss the relationship, the loss of the security you thought you had, the loss of companionship, the loss of the idea of being with someone.
As you probably know grief typically has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It sounds like you could have moved out of denial into the anger phase. Remember that this is a healthy part of the process, but it’s only a phase. It will pass. Be careful in this process not to do or say things that you might regret when you’re less angry. Put safety nets up for yourself – remember that you are angry and might not be thinking as clearly as you usually do so be careful about making big decisions during this time. Give yourself space. Sometimes it’s easier to be angry in private.
I don’t know if it helps or not but thousands of other women and men the world over have been stupid for love. Love brings a certain blindness – we get so invested in the idea of it that we sometimes overlook signs and warnings that we would otherwise take notice of. I remember many years ago one someone I was close to was dating a girl who treated him terribly. When it ended he asked me, “Why didn’t you tell me she was like that?” and I remember telling him that I tried to, but then he fell in love and he wouldn’t have heard it. From what you’ve written it sounds like this guy you were with is a pretty good manipulator. Chances are a lot of people would have acted just the same way you did.
I know that you feel foolish now, but be careful not to convince yourself that you’re stupid. You’re not. You got into a bad situation and now you’re out of it. That’s a very good sign. You’re going to need all of your self esteem in the weeks ahead so don’t go around saying mean things to yourself now. You need to be on your own side. It is a big task ahead of you, but you don’t have to accomplish all of it today. If you can, break it down into small manageable pieces and give yourself one goal to do each day. Maybe today’s goal is phone the phone company and finding out if there are any options to change your number before the contact ends. If there isn’t, it hasn’t cost you anything to ask, but it could be easier than you realize. Maybe today’s task is to cook on meal or to clean the bathroom or to make your bed – pick something that feels like a step toward the life you want and don’t rush things. It’s going to take some time, but you can do it. You DO have more common sense than you did 20 years ago. You can do this.
Dear God I have been on dates and on line sites no one special has come my way. Lord get this new man I meet to communicate call or text me. I don’t want to sound deseparate but my time is run mining out. I am tired of all these games I want to start a Serious relationship now. help me. amen
Dear Father God.
Lord I lift up MR to you at this time in there life, that You will provide them a mate to spend there lives together as one under Your leadership and guidance, in Jesus name amen
it such a painful feeling and remember
God love us and never leave us alone
Dear Father God.
Lord I lift up my sister to you at this time in there life, that You will be with them in all that they do for You, oh Lord, in Jesus name amen