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In the backseat the younger three kids—toddler Erin in her safety seat and the kindergartner twins, Jonathan and Jennifer sitting beside her—were quiet for once. They didn’t understand why yet another change had to happen in their lives but they trusted me to keep them safe and make things okay. Beside me in the front seat my oldest child, Anna, a second-grader, kept up a cheerful running commentary speculating on which friends she might see that morning.
I gripped the steering wheel with one hand and chewed a fingernail on the other a little nervous about what I was doing but knowing it was necessary. In that season of my life I felt very far away from God. It was not a comfortable place to be but it was nobody’s fault but my own. Wrong and sinful choices do that, they move you further away from God.
To look at me that day you probably wouldn’t have known there was a problem. If you had known me then you probably would have thought I was a woman with a successful music career, honored with more awards than any other contemporary Christian vocalist, the ten-time recipient of the Dove Award for Female Vocalist of the Year. You probably would have thought I had everything going for me. You probably wouldn’t have known that my life was crashing in on all sides.
Separated from my husband, with divorce proceedings pending, I was learning how to be a single mom of four young children. I was worried that the divorce would damage my career—and even more worried that the press would uncover the terrible secret I was hiding. I was terrified that my kids would be hurt by all the poor choices I had made.
Our family had been going to the same church for years. It was a good church. But I needed to find a new place for myself where I could grow and learn. I had heard some good things about a new pastor and that Sunday morning I had decided to take the kids and go.
I talked to them about it beforehand, about how they would go to Sunday school and I would go to “big church.” They had a few friends at the new church so that would make things easier. As I drove there that morning I thought that even if I didn’t enjoy the service, at least I would have a quiet hour to myself. Those of you with young children know what I’m talking about.
Walking across the parking lot, moving with the crowds through the door and into the lobby, I hoped no one would recognize me. I felt like I had a big scarlet letter across my chest—an A for adulterer and maybe an L too, for liar. I avoided any eye contact feeling sure that everybody there knew about the sin in my life.
I put the kids in Sunday school and happened to pass by the door leading to the balcony. Without really thinking about it I started up the stairs. There weren’t any empty seats down in front so I kept climbing. Finally I found a seat in the back row of the balcony right under the huge stained-glass window, and that’s where I sat.
As soon as I settled onto the pew I became very emotional. The choir started singing and I cried. A baby was dedicated and I cried. A teenager was baptized and I cried. They took up the offering and I cried. It was just a very emotional morning for me. I knew I had an hour or so to let the tears flow then I would have to pull myself together in time to pick up the kids and go home.
As the service ended the pastor came down from the pulpit and took a few steps down one of the aisles of the large, airy sanctuary.
“If you’re visiting with us today, we’re so glad you’re here,” he said, his pleasant voice ringing out warmly. All of a sudden a spike of dread caused me to tense. I dug into my purse for another tissue. Oh, please don’t make the visitors stand up. Don’t have someone hand me a rose. I can’t do that. Not today, I thought.
But the pastor continued, “We’re so happy to have you here,” he said again. Then he added, “There are people all around you who would like to know your name, if you would like to tell them. We want you to know that the God we serve lives within these walls—and outside these walls, too.”
He took a few more steps down the aisle and looked all around the crowded sanctuary. “But maybe you’ve been visiting with us here this morning, and you’re not ready to tell anyone your name. Maybe all you want to do is sit on the back row of the balcony and cry. That’s okay,” he said. “We want you to know that the God we serve knows how to find you there. He hasn’t forgotten about you. We serve the God of second chances, the God of new beginnings. We serve the God who sets His children free.”
Later that insightful pastor would tell me he hadn’t noticed me sitting in the balcony crying my eyes out during the service. He didn’t know I was there. But God knew. And He had placed those words on the pastor’s heart that morning so that when I heard them I would know He had already found me there, broken on the back row of the balcony.
That day began a journey for me. A journey back toward Him.
Moral failure among God’s people is nothing new, biblical history is littered with it. Samson failed. Saul failed. David failed, Solomon failed. Jonah failed. The Hebrews failed. All twelve of the disciples of Jesus failed, Peter failed spectacularly. All committed willful, disobedient sin, abiding and abetting the enemy after having once pledged fidelity to God. In both Testaments, the evidence of failure is both overwhelming and sobering.
But equally overwhelming is the evidence that God is in the restoration business. The gospel is the astonishing record of the Lord’s effort to reclaim, to redeem, and to restore those who were originally his but who in time were lost.
If you’re feeling broken right now and you end up crying on the back row at church some Sunday, I hope you will feel God’s reassuring presence of love. He has promised to forgive you for whatever sin you have committed. All you have to do is confess that sin to him, repent of it, ask his forgiveness, and it will be given.
A second chance (September 2004)
It’s nearly midnight, and the house is finally quiet. My husband is in Miami with his father who is scheduled to undergo an angioplasty. The kids are all asleep, and the dogs are curled up on their big floor cushion. It’s my favorite time of the day, when I finally have a few moments to myself. Usually this is a time of peace and contentment. But tonight my face is streaked with tears.
The manuscript for this book came back today from my editor and as I read the whole thing through once more all the shame and hurt came sweeping over me again. It was as though a cold north wind chilled my being as the sin in my life smacked me in the face yet again. Reading the difficult story of my wrong and sinful choices I wondered, how could anyone do this to her family? And then to think I’m the one who did it! The realization is devastating each time my mind probes that terrible memory. Despite the late hour I called my parents and apologized once more for the embarrassment and pain I had caused them. In the morning I’ll tell my kids again how sorry I am for what I’ve put them through.
And then, watching them happily head off to school, I’ll smile and thank God again for His precious gift of grace.
If you’ve also tasted that wonderful gift, if you’ve made that long difficult journey back from the top row of the balcony, you know what I’m talking about. You’ve probably shed some of those midnight tears just as I have. But the gift of grace assures you that God’s joy will be waiting for you in the morning.
Everyone has a story. Maybe yours isn’t as destructive or as traumatic as mine. I hope not. But if it is, I hope my story has encouraged you to reach out to God no matter how far you’ve fallen. Never forget that He can find you no matter how deeply you’re mired in the muck.
And if you know someone who’s stuck there on the back row of life’s balcony, broken by sin and filled with despair, I hope my story will help you minister to that person. It’s so important, when you’ve made a huge mistake and fallen into sin, to know that you’re not alone and that there’s someone who’s willing to walk beside you as you make that journey back to wholeness.
A final word
Going back through my story again has stirred up a lot of emotions within me. It also brought to mind an insightful question an interviewer asked me not too long ago. She asked me how I want to be remembered. I considered her question awhile, thinking about all I had been through and how the truth had set me free from all the dark times and brought me to the happy, holy season of life I enjoy today. Of course I couldn’t say all that. Epitaphs have to be short. So I answered this way:
Sandi Patty was a woman who sought after God with her whole heart, who loved her family and her friends. And when she got the chance, she sang about it.
What about you? Perhaps you are struggling with brokenness and have no where to turn. Or maybe you need healing and strength to move on from the pain in your past.
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan.
Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite God to fill you with His Spirit:
Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank you that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
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Hi Sandy
I loved your brutal honesty and very brave to write what you did.I have done what you have done. Been married 3 times and gave my life last year and has been the most emotional roller coaster i’ve ever been on.I have never cried so much in my entire life. I constantly ask God for forgiveness for my extra marital affairs. It has certainly helped me reading your story and thank the Lord that we have such a graceful and merciful God.
Thank you and God bless.
Darryl
thanks so much for this. I know that He died so that our sins can be forgiven. A friend once told me that if I were to be walking down the street today and meet Jesus He would not remember any of my sins. I love the feeling that brings to me. I have a much harder time forgiving myself. I know how unworthy I am, we all are and there are moments it is overwhelming. I truly despise the things I did and who I was. I pray that by His grace I can forgive myself as He has.
Hi Arlette, you know the greatest expression of faith is to believe that God so loved you that He came and went to that cross. For you Arlette, He bled and died. For you He was raised up again so that you could be reconciled. That you could come boldly before your Father not in your own righteousness. No not by your merits at all – you come forth cleansed, brand new, forgiven – all because the debt’s been paid by the power of His Son’s Blood.
So give full expression of faith in God. Believe that His Son’s Blood has set you free and walk in it!
Be ever blessed is my sincere prayer. Stacy, your article was such a blessing!
Iyanth,
thanks so much. Your words have given me another way to think about my own guilt and inability for forgive myself. I see that it is not by my own merit that I can be forgiven. I know His blood is what paid the price for my sins. It made me think that He commanded us to forgive as He forgives us. I think that when I hear that I think of forgiving others but had not thought of it as it applies to forgiving yourself. If I cannot forgive myself then I am not giving full expression of faith. I will pray and work on this. Thank you for taking the time to write. Thank you, Sandi, for writing this and helping me to take another step in my journey.
I’m touched by your story Sandi, been there before and feel lke that again. Thank you for enlightening me and for helping me realize my brokenness. I’m trusting God for total resporation. In the past week I’ve been making a declaration every morning that I’m going to praise until my change comes and I’m determined to do just that. I’m trusting God more than I ever did and believe that He is going to restore me completely and totally.
thank you. a good article
Our God is an awesome God! I am so thankful He loves us and forgives us and leads us where He wants us. Sometimes things don’t make sense to us but God knows what is best for us. Thank you Sandi for sharing your life and your voice and letting God work thru you to reach so many people!
You are so right Sarah! Our God truly is an awesome God! It’s so wonderful to know that He redeems the years that the locusts have eaten and gives us back a hundredfold.
Thank you, dear Sandi, for your transparency as you have shared your story publicly. I have always loved your music and ministry and sung some of your songs years ago in church as best I could. Their message was always so clear and real. I remember when I first surrendered my heart to Christ, that the Biblical story that drew me most to Him was the story of the woman caught in adultery. Jesus showed such mercy and compassion for her, even distracting judgmental eyes from her by writing in the sand. His wonderful words, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” caught my heart and made me long to draw close to this Jesus. As I have lived more of life and am now “middle-aged” myself, I have seen how easy it is for all of us to fall into sin and make mistakes. I so long to be completely sanctified, but I stand here today, very human and still struggling with sin. What a joy to know that God is constantly seeking and saving all of us who are lost…even His own children who have lost their way. Your story is an inspiration…perhaps this dark path made you even more able to minister to all of us who are falling down so frequently, yet striving to stay upright in Him. God bless you. His light still shines brightly through you.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving us your comment Cathy! You are so right, that we all struggle with sin and it is God who not only saves us but forgives all our sin as we come to Him and confess. I love the verse, I John 1:9 that He is faithful and just to forgive us all our sins if we confess them to him……
Professor David Engelsma:
Holy Scripture forbids remarriage after a divorce.
What we witness today is simply the logical, inevitable outcome of the approval of adulterous remarriages. The evil tree now bears its evil fruit. And the fruit is exceedingly bitter, both in the dishonoring of God and in the destruction of marriage, family, husbands, wives, children, grandparents, grandchildren, and others.
To be sure, this approval of remarriage adultery is a nasty, disgusting business. A fellow church member may well tempt my wife to leave our marriage, then, after he divorces his wife, he may remarry mine. If he confesses his sin of adultery and my wife does the same, he may then be allowed membership with me in the same church, while living with my wife.
What happens to all the children involved, only the devil, who is behind this whole evil business knows. And this grim, damnable state of affairs actually continues on in “evangelical” and “conservative” churches today.
This is what the churches are approving…even though the Word of God teaches…in language that a child can understand…
“A wife is married to her husband as long as he lives.” 1 Corinthians 7:39
When a man obtains a divorce and marries another, he is committing adultery. The relationship is an adulterous relationship and he goes on committing adultery as long as he maintains it.
Jesus Christ forbids remarriage for the divorced. The churches approval of remarriage has brought the church into open war with Jesus Christ.
It is unbiblical to view marriage as a contract that man can dissolve by his own hands and at his will. Scripture teaches that marriage is a lifelong bond established by God and that God makes the two one flesh.
Only the death of one of them dissolves the bond, so that the other has the liberty to marry again. 1 Corinthians 7:39
Let it be shouted from the housetops:
Divorce does not dissolve marriage.
Only God puts asunder what He has joined together and He puts asunder by death.
Patty: I wanted to tell you this. You cannot get from a man, that which only God can give. God can give you what no man can give you. It looks like you’ve been searching all your life for an openness……to be “opened up”, so that your spirit will flow with God’s Spirit, in your music also. This is gotten only by praying on your knees in quiet and in a secluded place all alone with God. He will give it to you……yes, even yet. Ask Him for it……..
Forget everything else now that’s happened up to this point. Even Ron needs this opening up……………..to get the power, the punch, and the flow of God’s Spirit coming out, WITHOUT EFFORT on your part…….They ain’t seen nothing yet!
Bravo Paul! God help us. We’ve taken a page out of the world, and some how have deceived ourselves into thinking that all we have to do is throw some scriptures in the mix, and presto chango we’re ok to go on our happy Christian walk with our adulterous relationships hand in hand to a happy ever after life. NOT! 1 Corinthians 6:9 ‘Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers……
2 Timothy 4:3 ‘For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers having itching ears.’ We are here, the time is come. Those of us who oppose these damnable heresies will be called intolerant,
Unloving, narrow. Well guess what, narrow is the road to heaven, and few there be that find it.
wow powerful— paul you say remarriage is forbiding after divorce but in the bible this woman who came to JESUS he didn’t condemn her but did reprimand simon and she has probably has lots of husbands God doesn’t condemn sandi for her sin as long as she asked for forgiveness we shouldn’t condemn her eithher in teh bible JESUS doesn’t condemn any one who asks for forgiveness it is a sad that chritians follow the world but we live in it we should love people like sandi patti and any one else that sins, we are ALL ainners saved by grace so we shhould treat everyone with grace too.—- sharon
Sandi,
Your story was a blessing. I too have made wrong choices after a years of being married to an adulterous husband. I lost confidence that God even loved me. But as your story goes….He is a merciful and gracious God. You are doing exactly what God intends we do when we have a story, it needs to be shared. Thank you for sharing your story which I am sure will touch countless lives.
your friend in Christ, Judy
[…] Broken on the Back Row « Power to Change (Great article by Sandi) no hard feelings. […]
good article and good comments too thank you Sandi patty for your story
Very touching story about love, grace, mercy and redeemption. None of the disciples understood it but Mary Magdalene and the woman caught in adultery, and the woman at the well got it. They understood, that he who has been forgiven of much loves much. Some of the responses on this thread are born out of a root of bitterness and a critical spirit. Some of you sound like the brother of the prodigal son. He got mad too when the father “lavished” him with forgiveness, love and mercy and grace and restored him as he put his ting on him and wrapped his shame and covered his nakeness with his robe. The Father gave him back his position in the family. Shame on you! Too bad, that you didn’t quote the part that said, and we have an advocate with the Father. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If you ate going to judge use righteous judgement, not condemnation. I love you Sandy Patty! God Bless You!
good comments coming out of this article I enjoy reading comments like this where people put their opinion here thank you to all
good article and good comments too thank you
thank you I’m sure you’ve heard more than once. We have all fallen and fallen short.. God is so great. Things that happen to us is because we enjoy or like the sin, or it would’t be tempation, Going through tough times because of poor chioces, is the part that lets us know and love and keeps us humble. also serves to give us compasion for others. Helps us not to think of our selve more highly than we ought.