This Mom is fed up! My husband and I have tried everything to get our 21 year old son, “Tommy,” to be responsible and respectful, and we have always been there for him! My husband and I aren’t the only ones our son neglects; he treats his grandparents and others in our family the same way. I tried to call him this weekend and found out that his phone was disconnected because he hasn’t been paying his bills. I also found out yesterday that he just spent $50 getting his hair bleached. I would appreciate any advice you could give us in this matter.

Advice: It is not easy to get kids to be responsible and respectful in this generation. There are all sorts of reasons for that. One clue might be when you said, “We have been there for him every time.” There is a difference between “being there” and rescuing our children from “real world experiences.”

I’m assuming that Tommy is self-supporting, either as a student or working, and that he doesn’t need anything from you. If he’s on his own, then he’s on his own, and there is little you can do but wait till he gets older. Many parents only help their kids out financially when the kid is working hard and studying hard and just can’t get all the school fees paid. They usually wait till after grades are out before they’re willing to write the cheque to clear up the tuition bill. Each child is different, some seem to be born responsible, while others act as though they should be given everything. When a child says, “I don’t have enough money,” you can say, “We love you. Let us know how it all works out.”

Try to maintain the relationship without rescuing. Don’t use ultimatums or threats. Grandma should feel free to call Tommy every three or four weeks to keep in touch–many boys like that. But don’t expect him to become thoughtful of family, or even aware of family, till his late twenties or thirties. Kids are supposed to separate from mom and dad and get out on their own and grow up. That is the most important job he has right now. Tommy will grow up; he will do it on his own. Keep praying for him. Don’t hesitate to put him on a prayer chain or two–this is an important time for him.