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With the advent of email, chat rooms, and other online technology, it is easier than ever for a married person to engage in a private, often intimate, relationship outside of their marriage. In the hothouse of secrecy, seduction can flourish.
When Lynn met Bill in a chat room they hit it off right away. His clever little comebacks and talent for conversation impressed Lynn and kept her coming back for more. Over time they decided to exchange photos. Sexual innuendo crept into their e-mails. A terrible fight with her husband, Anthony, gave Lynn the excuse she needed to finally meet Bill face to face. While Bill wasn’t quite as she had imagined, their relationship continued, resulting in adultery.
It started out as just a friendship. A loving wife and mother of three, Lynn had no intention of getting mired in an adulterous relationship. Do you know how to tell if your email habits are leading you somewhere you don’t want to go?
Inbox infidelity self-test
If your husband were to read all of your e-mails, or instant messages, or text messages, how would he react? Is your communication with the opposite sex completely aboveboard? If you gave your husband access to your private e-mail account would he read anything in there that would cause you to feel embarrassed or defensive?
Is there a platonic friendship that has slowly become something more? Take a minute to ask yourself the four questions below.
- Do you check your e-mail compulsively, hoping to see his name in the inbox?
- Do you often laugh out loud at his clever comments? Blush when he throws a little flattery your way? Sigh with contentment when he shares his heart with you?
- Have you ever gotten up at night to check your e-mail and correspond with this person?
- Do you glance around to make sure no one is watching while you read e-mails from him?
If you’ve answered yes to some of those questions, it may be time to make some changes.
1. Discontinue the “friendship” and change your e-mail account immediately. In a polite, yet firm email, let this man know that the relationship is over. Although this may seem like a drastic step (especially if the friendship hasn’t resulted in a sexual relationship — yet) it’s necessary.
Once you’ve written the email, it’s time to change your email account. There is no excuse that for not doing this. It will be worth the time-consuming process of giving out your new e-mail address to those who need it. Creating a new account and discontinuing the old ensures that at least this form of communication is cut off.
2. Bring more accountability into your life. The best way to eradicate dysfunctional and destructive behavior is to bring it out in the open. Remember, it’s only as issues are brought into God’s light that healing can come. Now is the time to share your struggle with others. Find a trusted older friend (of the same sex) in your church whom you can confide in, or ask your pastor and his wife for counsel.
3. Turn your attention back home. Make a concerted effort to turn your heart, mind, and body back toward your husband once more. Do your best to reconnect with your mate emotionally and sexually. At the same time, resist the urge to relive the flattering and exciting conversations that you once engaged in with this other man.
It’s important to note; remembering is a choice. You can choose to deny yourself the pleasure of recalling those electrified or intimate email exchanges. Deliberately put your focus back on your husband, the man you would have followed to the moon before the wedding.
Infidelity begins as a thought long before it becomes an action. Do not let yourself believe the lie that it’s not important or that because nothing has happened yet, nothing will. The time to deal with infidelity is before something happens. Marriage is far too important to play games with.
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This is a good article. My marriage was the victim of an internet affair(my husbands). I don’t think either of us understood how much an internet affair can rock a marriages foundation, to the core. Once I uncovered his secret, it had gone pretty far. They were exchanging inappropriate photos, exchanging I love yous, planning to meet, my husband even mailed her and her son gifts!! I was heartbroken. All the signs were there, but I denied them to myself. It was too painful to admit why he was on the internet so late at night and spent an unusual amount of time on the phone with “his family,” why he was emotionally and physically distant. He would even disapear for up to 20 minutes when we were on family outtings, so he could call her. She is also married by the way. It’s only been two months and we are trying to pick up the pieces and move forward. But it is so hard! When the one person whom you’ve relied on to protect you, violates you…you feel so alone, scared and even paranoid! I pray we can mend our love. I am trying to do what God wants me to do and forgive(just this once!). This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Thanks again for the informative articel.
This is such a true statement,and many need to know the danagers of this. I my self fell into this. My ex-boyfriend from high school has always been in my marriage. It seemed that maybe i married the wrong one. He seemed so much more than i remembered in high school. I tried cutting it off but i notice that i like the attention. I had not felt this way in a long time and the fact that i was still on his mind made me feel good. But it took only 3 days to almost destroy my marriage. Our friendly talk went way to far and before i knew it we were talking about sex and even me leaving my family. I was so blinded by my own selfish wants and desire that i almost lost every thing. But thank GOD for love and mercy. I know that it was nothing but GOD that kept my marriage. people of GOD please always remember that it is important to stop the enemey in his tracks before it is too late. We never know when it is too late. Always seek GOD. Even through the hard times GOD is waiting to help if you are willing. Thanks again for the article it is the truth and we need it!
good article so true. its so easy to fall into this if you don’t know on what you are doing.
This is so right on, Paula! Thank you for addressing this very serious issue.
Simple story…Bored met bored trophy wife married to old rich man online…At first didn’t believe it because who would?…Met for 30 minutes and she was amazing…Both of us fit perfectly in person not just online…She got caught when she went home and now I’m here confused, sad and damn disapointed.
Been 8 days and figured she was threatened financially and so I sit and think of how wrong it was yet how good it felt…It never ends well…But I can’t deny that every part of the “Self Test” was me to a T.
So what do you do with that now Noodles? Does this motivate you to change your course?
I could pretend that I wish I never played with fire but I’d be lying…I am not lonely even though I miss her but I’m a grown man…If she wants me or wants to be friends with me she’ll look for me when she’s able…If I meant nothing or not enough then I’ll never hear from her and honestly I don’t blame her….Sweetness is so nice but I understand that she’d have to give up her lifestyle for it…I am happy at he short but sweet time I spent with her and how amazing it was…I hope she felt it also.
Hi Noodles123, What an innocent start to a hot moment! Actually, I had a very similar experience that got out of hand. We both thought we were just friends when different feelings suddenly emerged. She went to my pastor with it, and I was confronted! Let me try to give you my opinion (without telling you what to do): Playing with fire is VERY dangerous for all involved. You know that you must forget or at least push her so far into the background that you can focus on everything except her. With some determination, that seems easy enough. Now, let’s think of her: You are so right in saying “… but I understand that she’d have to give up her lifestyle for it”(if she wants to be with you). It is far more difficult and far bigger than you just saying “If she wants me or wants to be friends with me she’ll look for me when she’s able…”! Have you thought of it that she may need some help to push you back? Maybe, if she finds you, it will be an opportunity to say that, good as it felt, the relationship leads to trouble and will best be terminated. You can be a friend only at a great distance. She may need to hear that her decision to stay true to her husband is both honorable and commendable! Let’s pray together: Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for opportunities to learn from our mistakes. Help Noodles123 to be very careful when looking at women, not to feel the need to flatter or flirt with anyone. YOUR Word says that even looking lustfully at a woman is committing adultery with her mentally. Forgive us Lord! Of course, we can have friends in both sexes, but enjoy real intimacy ONLY with the one we are married to. Thank You for helping us to focus on the answer rather than on the problem, that by looking at You, we can set our life in order and be Spirit-led to build good relationships. In the precious name of Jesus, our intercessor, Amen.
TY Alfred…I actually said good bye to her today…Needed closure and since she wasn’t either giving it to me I had to make my own…So I wrote her a sweet lil letter and wished her the best…Nothing else could be done and I don’t begrudge her for choosing a sweet lifestyle and marriage over the unknown…Have to play the odds and the odds were against me.
HOWEVER, after writing and chatting with her for awhile I do believe that the problem hasn’t ended…She is a rich neglected young woman married to an old boring rich man…Money doesn’t mean happiness and sooner or later she’ll stray again unless he changes his ways…She had everything but passion and sometimes that’s what’s missed so much…Sadly enough it’ll end up being some other man not me by the time she relaizes that…I hope her husband changes, I figure nothing worse that being left for lacking
What an on target message. My marriage of 22 years is going through this very thing. My wife has old flames in her life, many whom she was romantically and sexually involved with. I continue to pray to God for direction on how to be more of that man she fell in love with and guide me in helping her to appreciate the danger of such emotional attachments to past loves. We are hard pressed in a difficult time in our marriage. My wife has been ill for over a year and now is revealing that this has caused her to feel trapped and also that she has lost “her” life. She wants to drag through the week only to go out for dinner and drinks at a bar without me come the end of the week. I am going crazy trying to discover where I failed to see these signs while being consumed with concern for her health. God help me! I need your prayers if this 25 year relationship is to survive…
Hi AKJohn,
I am not a professional counselor, however, I am a Blog Mentor for this site. Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing your concern regarding the issues with your wife. Perhaps I can encourage you along in a direction that will help you and her with the dilemma you face.
First, I give you a lot of credit for not wanting to give up on your marriage regardless of your wife’s actions at this present time. You may not realize it but your steadfast devotion to your marriage is honorable in the eyes of God. Also, it is such a blessing to hear that you have been seeking God for guidance in effectively helping your wife and for Him to help you become the man He would have you to be. Stay steadfast in your prayers and continue to listen to Him for direction and to whatever changes He asks of you.
Have you and your wife thought about going for marriage counseling? Is she willing to work on your relationship as you are? You mentioned she became “ill” about a year ago, is that when these old flames resurfaced? If she feels that this “illness” has brought about these changes is there perhaps a local support group that she can attend that could offer her hope in dealing with this illness in a healthy, productive way? Perhaps for yourself you would like to connect with one of our online Mentors who could come along your side and encourage you through this situation. If so, here is a link to request a Mentor to contact you via email: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
At this time I would like to pray for you.
Father God, I pray on behalf of AKJohn. I ask that You would intervene in his wife’s life at this time. I pray that You would send her the right help that she needs to help her get back on track in with you and her beloved husband too. I pray that You would continue to reveal, guide and direct AKJohn in knowing how to help his wife and what changes You would like for him to make as well. I pray that You would begin to heal and restore this union between these two individuals as You would have it. I ask that You would bring about a new thing in their hearts so that their commitment as husband and wife will be stronger than ever before as You bind them together…not allowing anything or anyone to get in the way of their dedicated love for each other. I thank You, Lord, for the wonderful things that You are going to do in their lives as individuals and as a husband and wife team. May their recommitment to one another bring Glory, and Honor and Praise to You. I Jesus name I pray, Amen