Student Profile: Stuff about Rahim
| my childhood | | | turning point | | | anger and bitterness | | | my spirituality |
A Way to Escape
> I grew up with depression, anger and bitterness. I had many issues with my family and my culture. I come from a family with an Ismaili religious background. There were a lot of problems in my family and I reacted in violence against these problems. At school I liked to pick fights. I seem to have this knack for, to put it lightly, "stirring up the pot."
> My life was very shallow. I tried to escape from my problems and frustration through computers and girls. Computers were a form of mental escape. I found computers intriguing and challenging. It was just something to do to take my mind off stuff.
> As for girls…Well, men are just built with a desire to be with somebody. There is a longing for companionship that God has wired into each one of us. Young men are hormone-driven. Well, older men are too, but for each man it depends on how much he has control over them.
> I was a hormone-driven teenager, especially in Grade 7-10. I hadn’t received any good teaching about girls. I think allowing teenagers to mess around with the opposite sex without giving them proper guidance is like giving a loaded shot gun to a kid and not telling him how to use it safely.
> Many of my friends were girls.. . . I got interested in girls at an early age. This included women on paper. I remember seeing my older brother looking at porn magazines and I started to get interested as well.
> One thing that I regret is not getting proper advice on how to treat women. Back then, I wouldn’t have realized if the way I treated girls was wrong. I had a slanted view of women. I wasn’t given a good example of a good male-female relationship, so I never had a solid foundation to build on.
> There’s also the whole chauvinistic side that objectifies women. Some men grow out of it and some do not. Chauvinism gives birth to a lot of false motives like basing your life around getting some "action." This male attitude (mainly a result of our culture) toward women leads to a lot of lust–a problem that I had to deal with when I got older.
> I had suicidal thoughts growing up. When I was 17, I slit my wrists in front of my parents. I was angry at them. My mom rushed me to the hospital but after that, I refused to go home. So I stayed at my friend Rick’s house.
> Rick was a Christian guy who always showed love towards me. Even in my anger and brokenness, he loved me. We had a long conversation, which mainly consisted of me telling him how much of a jerk I thought God was.
> Rick listened very patiently to me. At the end of our talk he proceeded to tell me that God loved me and that God has been there through all my troubles. My immediate response to him was, "whatever". I said if God is here, get him to throw me against the wall, get him to show himself and prove that he really exists and cares. At that point, Rick said, "Give God one more chance."
> By faith, I gave God a second chance; I gave God a chance to change me.
> Since then I’ve learned that there’s nothing I can do to be acceptable in God’s sight except to ask Jesus’ forgiveness for all the stupid things I have done. Not only has God accepted me with all my flaws and quirks, he is committed to helping me overcome my flaws.
> I used to be an angry guy. I would get into a lot of trouble. If I got poor marks in school, my parents gave me flack for it. I always thought I could make my parents happy if I did well in school. I remember as a kid getting smacked around if I didn’t get good marks. I thought I could make everything ok as long as I got good marks.
> I had deep feelings of inadequacy because I felt it was impossible to please anyone; never mind God. I took my anger out on God. Because I felt so much anger, I had very bad thoughts about God and against God. I used to make fun of Jesus all the time. I figured since there’s so much suffering in the world, God really doesn’t care about us.
> But my anger, especially against God, was uncalled for. It was an irresponsible attitude to blame God for my problems because God gives us the freedom to make choices in life. We have the freedom to choose our attitude, our responses to people and situations, and life decisions. In the end, we only have ourselves to blame for our mistakes.
> It’s an irresponsible attitude to just sit there and curse and spit at God. That’s avoiding the real problem: our sin. It is dangerous to allow ourselves to be controlled by bitterness and anger. It is like a disease – it consumes you and your soul rots away.
> I still become angry and frustrated. I get mad and curse when things don’t go my way. But I’ve learned not to take my anger out on people. Instead, I sometimes direct it at inanimate objects, like my computer! That doesn’t make it right, but God is not finished with me yet.
> I know of instances where I should’ve lost my temper but I didn’t. Knowing that God is around and wants better things for me causes me to calm down and helps me control my temper.
> I have learned that losing my temper is a selfish act. Usually I get mad because I don’t get my way. I often remind myself that things are under the control of God.
Rahim talks about the need for intimacy . . .
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