All of us have experienced situations where we do not see eye to eye with other people. Sometimes, differences are hard to resolve and they create feelings of anger and resentment. If these feelings are not acknowledged and dealt with, a simple disagreement can break into an out-and-out war.

When this happens, we may feel unable to control our emotions and powerless to diffuse the conflict. But insight into the dynamics of anger and conflict can help us gain perspective and learn to handle potentially explosive situations constructively. In a seminar called How to Manage Conflict and Maintain Emotional Control, the Rockhurst College Continuing Education Center provides some pointers to help us keep cool when sparks are flying and tempers are volatile.

The first rule of conflict management is quite simple. If you feel too upset, walk away. If you can’t leave the room, bite your tongue and refrain from speaking. Do not yell or throw potted plants. Follow the advice of Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Once you’ve removed yourself from the heat, take stock of the situation. Here are four areas to consider in regard to gaining control of your emotions:

1. Projection: What past experiences were like this? Assessing other circumstances when you experienced similar feelings may help you avoid unproductive attitudes. It can also point you toward possible outcomes to the present conflict.
2. Relationship: What is the level of commitment? How important to you are the people involved? What role do they play in your life? Appraising the importance of the relationship may help you put the conflict in perspective.
   
3. Present event: What else is happening in my life right now? Realizing that you’re under stress, tired or sick may change your outlook. And a good night’s sleep may help you see the conflict in a new light.
4. Risk: What’s on the line? What do you have to gain or to lose in this confrontation? Answering this question may give you a better understanding of your own motives. You can also ask yourself what you’re willing to risk as a result of the course of action you’re planning to take. Evaluating possible scenarios can guide your decisions.

As you’re debating on a course of action, it is good to remember that anger and conflict need not be destructive forces. If properly handled, they can become a powerful impetus for renewal and change. Here are four myths about anger and conflict you want to keep in mind:

1. Conflict is a sign of a poor manager. That’s not true! Conflict only shows that people are unique and have a mind of their own.
   
2. Anger is negative and destructive. On the contrary, anger can lead to decisive and positive action. Consider, for example, the effectiveness of Jesus’ anger when He chased the money-changers out of the temple.
3. If left alone, conflict will take care of itself. Don’t be fooled. The immediate tension may lessen over time but, at the slightest provocation, the sleeping dragon will raise its ugly head.
4. Conflict must be resolved now. Sometimes the facts are not available for the situation to be resolved immediately. Often, it is also best to wait until people have regained their cool.

Another step toward thoroughly grasping the situation you’re involved in is to try to understand the other person’s point of view. It is natural to interpret the conflict in light of your needs. But to arrive at a resolution that satisfies both parties, you must be able to identify the other person’s needs. Here are six principles to help you see the other side of the coin.

1. Even though you think you know the cause of the conflict, recognize that you may not be right.
   
2. Consider the possibility that the conflict may result from a communication failure, particularly in listening. Often, the simple act of listening and seeking to understand others is enough to bring resolution to perceived problems.
3. Deliberate attempts at harming another person are extremely rare. It’s good to know the other party is probably not willfully seeking to hurt you.
4. The need to be right is a primary contributor to any conflict. Unfortunately, wanting to be right is a strong drive in human beings!
5. The conflict may actually be nothing more than minor issues blown out of proportion. The dynamics of conflict are such that, if grievances are left to simmer a long time without being dealt with, they gain unwarranted importance in people’s minds and contribute to the escalation of tension.
6. Most conflicts involve a dance – a series of moves and countermoves by each party – with no one to blame. It’s like a chain reaction. People don’t choose to act but simply react according to the way they feel the situation requires.

Once you’ve examined the various facets of the dispute, you’re ready to ask the crucial question: “Who owns the problem?” There are four possible answers:

1. If you answer, “I own the problem,” then everything is up to you. The issue doesn’t need to go any further, unless you should apologize for behavior you regret.
2. If you maintain the other party owns the problem, you need to listen to what they have to say and then ask, “What do you think can work?”
3. If you say, “We own the problem,” both parties need to sit together and work at finding solutions that yield mutual benefits.
4. If you conclude that there is no problem, you’re well on your way to peace and good will.

Now, after you’ve given thoughtful consideration to the conflict, you may still need to negotiate the terms of an agreement with the adversarial party. To achieve optimal results, you can apply problem-solving techniques, but you need to understand which stage the conflict is in:

1. Stage 1: At this stage, things are still in perspective and people remain rational. The issues have not yet grown monstrously; they can be related to specific events. The clue that you have entered this stage is a change in behavior. To solve the problem you need to raise the issue, identify the emotions attached to it, actively listen to the other party and brainstorm options.
2. Stage 2: At this level, challenges are being issued and people are targeted. People may yell or indulge in other angry manifestations, including physical assault. To contend with this situation, you need to define expectations and examine the positive and negative consequences of what is happening.
3. Stage 3: In stage three, the embattled parties are enrolling new recruits. The war is intensifying and the web of discontent and anger is spreading to other people. As more people are drawn into the conflict, the issues become harder to sort out. To come to a resolution, you can use the strategies outlined in stages one and two. You can also involve a neutral party to gather the facts, get people committed to resolve the problem and set goals to make things happen.
4. Stage 4: After the battle, emotions still linger. It is important to deal with these emotions. To promote healing and forgiveness, identify how you feel about the conflict, reconnect with yourself and think through future prevention.

Of course, conflict is a messy process that is not easily reduced to tidy categories. There are six general characteristics of conflict that can sharpen your understanding of its dynamics:

1. As conflict escalates, concern for self increases.
2. The desires to be right, to save face and to win increase with the growth of self-interest.
3. Even nice people can become nasty as conflict intensifies.
4. Conflict management strategies that work at lower levels of conflict may become ineffective and even counterproductive at higher levels.
5. Conflict may skip levels as it does not always progress linearly.
6. People involved in a disagreement may be at different stages on the conflict scale.

Whatever stage of conflict you find yourself in, remember these useful problem-solving rules:

1. Attack the problem, not the person. Use “I” statements such as “I need your help with this;” “I need to understand this;” “When this happens, the result is this, and I feel like this”.
2. Verbalize your feelings, but never act on them. Name your emotions as this gives you more control over them.
3. Move from justification to resolution.
4. Look for opportunities to solve the problem, not for culprits to blame.
5. Seek to give rather than take. Identify the points where you can be flexible and adjust.
6. Remember that the angrier people become, the less logical they’ll be.

Ultimately, the art of managing conflict demands that you be open about your feelings and able to communicate without pointing fingers. Dealing with delicate situations is a skill that can be practised. Think of anger and conflict as positive forces that can produce significant benefits for you and your organization. Such an insight will give you a new perspective and bolster your aplomb when you have to deal with difficult situations.