“I think we need to go out on a date tonight.”

That’s my opening salvo as I wake up with my morning coffee. I haven’t brought along flowers or chocolates. I haven’t written a small poem expressing my undying affection (I haven’t even technically asked a question…or showered).

My wife responds, “Why don’t we go out this Friday instead?”

It’s midweek, and I’ve recently survived having twelve children — under the age of eight — under one roof for the past week. Freshly-planted flowers, lawn ornaments, and great-grandmothers have been under siege by flying footballs and undersized shoes. The kids have dominated the agenda from the time the youngest wakes up to the time when the oldest falls asleep. But now, in the relative quiet, one thought percolates in my brain as I greet this morning’s coffee:

“Did I talk to my wife today?”

The reality of married life when children are part of the equation, is that much of life becomes about the kids. Between blowing out the candles on a first birthday cake and graduating from university, it is easy to get lost in the race to stay involved. Children are wonderful gifts from God, and it is right to want to speak volumes of love and truth into their lives. After all, they’re your kids. Feeding, entertaining, challenging, listening, and loving kids to their fullest potential is an excellent (and realistic) use of time. After all, it’s all about the kids.

It’s all about the kids?

This phrase has been repeated by parents across the world. It’s all about the kids. Get the kids to soccer, take them to Disneyland, help them with their school projects. It’s all about the kids. Recently, on an episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight, this mantra was repeated once again. For a couple with eight kids, this phrase takes on a new reality. To program the lives of eight little ones is an exhausting thought in itself. Making a relationship work between two people is difficult enough. It would be even more difficult with eight kids involved. As events have unfolded on the show, and the marriage has broken down, the parental chant has been echoed: it’s all about the kids.

In North America, the divorced family has become the normal state of operation. It’s not the place of this article to heap scorn on the divorced family unit. However, this is not the best case scenario either. Given a choice between a healthy marriage versus an amicable separation, I think that an overwhelming majority would vote for the former.

Making a healthy choice

Perhaps, it might not be all about the kids. If life is all about the kids, what is the point of marriage? Many marriages are all about the kids because there is nothing going on between the parents. Priorities can shift to the point that the kids become the only conversation in the room.

Newly engaged or married couples should take note – it can never be just about the kids. As a parent, life is messy and frantic, but if it is to be all about the kids then it must be all about mom and dad’s relationship too. If a healthy family dynamic is the goal, then a healthy relationship between husband and wife must be cultivated. Healthy marriages make for healthy families.

If it really is all about the kids, then start where it matters. The marriage relationship mirrors a deeper sense of love and commitment than any backpacking trip to the mountains or new toy could ever teach. The love kids see between their parents educates them on how to give and receive love, and will set them up for success later in life. As much as it is up to you, let your kids see you love, respect and genuinely like their other parent.

Marriage is a continual work in progress, whether the kids are still at home or not. With that in mind, here are a few tips to keep a marriage healthy, even while continuing to chase the kids all over the country.

The value of hello – Mornings and nights are non-negotiable times for hello. Make sure to say ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’. There’s something about touching base, even if it’s for a moment, that helps your partner to know that they’re appreciated. Don’t let a day pass in silence.

Date night – My wife and I have gone months without a night out — and we’ve regretted it. Dates should be a regular occurrence. Aim for at least once every two weeks. If babysitters are an issue, find a friend to take the kids. Give yourself the freedom to get out (and limit any talk about the kids to the time you’re in the car so that supper conversation can focus on other things).

Turn off the TV – Nights are a great time to unwind in front of the television, but it can consume all the time you have to be together. Make sure TV watching doesn’t become the default habit when the kids are finally in bed. Those quiet hours are few and far between. Use them wisely.

Together It – Plan an event in the week to do something together. Note: this does not apply to changing diapers or cleaning the house. Do something fun – make a pizza, play a game, it doesn’t matter what you do, just make sure it’s something together!

Be intimate – Holding hands is for teenagers…and married couples too. Being intimate is a key component to a healthy marriage. Everyone has been created for intimacy. If this is being withheld at home, chances are a person will seek it out elsewhere, often in unhealthy places.

Recently, I had the opportunity to walk behind my future. I was walking behind an older couple who were hurriedly bustling home from a live theater performance. They seemed comfortable enough to walk together in silence. After a few minutes, they still hadn’t said anything. And, did I mention, they were hurrying like their house was on fire? This thought occurred to me “Is this what the future of my marriage looks like?”

I hope not. Fifty years from now I don’t want to be hurrying through life physically beside my wife but not really with her. This is why it’s important to make these choices now. I want a relationship that will last beyond the kids’ time at home. It’s time for a date.