Is Casual Sex Losing its Zing?

Hot news from CNN:  Some university students are giving up casual sexual activity because they feel it’s not fulfilling.

I am not making this up.

Take, for instance, Vanderbilt University student Frannie Boyle.  She told CNN that, in the past, she sometimes drank to excess before parties and hooked up with a stranger or acquaintance before the night was over.

“I saw it [hooking up] as a way to be recognized and get satisfaction,” Boyle admits.  But satisfaction eluded her.  “I felt so empty then,” she laments.

So she decided to kiss casual physical involvement goodbye.

(Intergenerational translator: “Hooking up,” an ambiguous term, refers to no-commitment sexual activity ranging from making out to intercourse.)

Kissing Casual Sex Goodbye

Criticism came.  Some male friends shunned Boyle.  “They probably weren’t my friends anyway,” she observes.

“I’m respecting myself,” she affirms.  ”And I won’t waste my time with some guy who doesn’t care about me.”

Boyle is in the minority, but she’s not alone.  Of course, many students abstain from non-marital sex because of spiritual convictions.  But nowadays, even nonreligious campus groups are promoting sexual self control and commitment.

For example, CNN notes that the Love and Fidelity Network features speakers and discussions to encourage students to rethink uncommitted sex.  The secular nonprofit promotes “sexual integrity” and marriage.

Some observers, citing online dating’s campus popularity, say many students long for a return to traditional dating.

Even entertainer Lady Gaga said she’s chosen sexual abstinence “because I don’t have the time to get to know anybody.”

What’s going on here?

Sexual Revolution Backfired?

The long-term emotional links between the heart and the sex glands can be stronger than one might recognize when passion rages.  Of course, in an HIV world, health and safety also are concerns.

A longing to be close to someone or a yearning to express love can generate intense desires for physical intimacy.  Yet often sex brings an emptiness rather than the wholeness people seek through it.  When I appeared on her television program discussing this topic, one producer told me, “Frankly, I think the sexual revolution has backfired in our faces.  It’s degrading to be treated like a piece of meat.”

The previous night her lover had justified his decision to sleep around by telling her, “There’s plenty of me for everyone.”  What I suspect he meant was, “There’s plenty of everyone for me.”  She felt betrayed, devalued, and alone.

Cosmic Killjoy?

I was on her program to discuss the positive influence that faith and spiritual convictions can have on sex.  Mixing faith and sex may seem surprising.  Of course, some see the biblical God as a cosmic killjoy.  But as popular speaker Josh McDowell points out, “A God who created sex can’t be all bad!”

The biblical writers portray God designing sex for pleasure, unity and procreation.  “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times,” recommends a proverb about marital sex.  “Be exhilarated always with her love.”  Hardly prudish.

Faith can provide love, self-esteem, wisdom for choosing the best, and inner strength to follow those choices. Plus forgiveness and hope of restoration when we blow it, as we all do.  Practical stuff that affects life between the sheets and life in general.

Sex is not the key to love; love is the key to sex. Many nonreligious people are making similar sounds these days.  Might those ancient texts have some genuine wisdom after all?

Has casual sex left you numb? Are you searching for intimacy in the wrong places? Watch Erwin McManus’ video on finding intimacy

Tags: casual sex, cnn.com, Culture, hooking up, Rusty Wright, sex and love, World

2 Responses to “Is Casual Sex Losing its Zing?”

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• Tiffany says:

  June 16, 2010 at 10:20 am

  Well between STDs, unwanted babies, being labled a jezebel why would anyone dare engage in any type of intimacy without committment. Being a loose woman has always had it draw backs but on that same note, being too conservative has its faults too. So many men take offense now if you for boundries. You kinda don’t know what to do?

• Curtis says:

  June 21, 2010 at 9:00 am

  I am recently (within a year) separated and headed for divorce. I have been told to find a rebound woman. I have also found out that my ex allowed herself to be with another man within a month of us really being out of the same home. She wanted to feel special and sexy she said. I don’t know how she did feel but it cheapens the way I feel about making love with her. Even when we first got together and were having sex early on I had already fallen in love with her. I know I have had sex without making love, however I don’t think I ever did with her and I have only been with one other woman and we only had sex once. There are plenty of guys who believe casual sex does not exist for them. There should always be strings attached.