Reconciling Your Sexual Past with your Marriage
What do you do when you have quite the sexual past, but you want to have a pure marriage, with a great sex life? Can you rid yourself of the baggage from everything you’ve already done?
Here’s a letter that I received recently:
I am single, in my late twenties. In my earlier twenties, I did not live a Christian lifestyle. I had sex with two men. The first was a great friend, and we had fun. I really enjoyed it. The next guy, I was engaged to, and I HATED sex with him. I found ways to make myself unattractive or unavailable to him…. I have dedicated my life to God, and have been single for 3 years now. I have decided not have sex again until marriage… This is going to seem pretty childish to ask… But,… how do you bring this up with an adult? How many grown men are going to be okay with this? How much of my past do I tell?… .and then, what if I do meet someone, and we decide to get married? I have a fear of not enjoying sex with… How do make sure that doesn’t happen? Also, how do you learn how to connect sex and love together? Because of my past, I learned the two separately, and cannot seem to make the connection… I know this sounds crazy.. But, any advise on anything you can give would be greatly appreciated.
First, I don’t think that does sound crazy. I think it sounds quite normal.
Do you need to practice first?
But let me relay another story to you that may help how we think about this. When I was in Kenya recently, my husband and I were asked to speak to the teens about adolescence. And one night a boy put up with his hand with a question. He asked, “Is there a disadvantage to being a virgin when you’re married?” After beating around the bush and trying to figure out what he was really getting at, I finally asked, “Do you mean will sex be bad if you don’t have practice first?” Everybody laughed, including that boy, because that is what he meant. And so Keith and I went on to answer him.
No, you don’t need practice first, because sex once you’re married is very different from before you are married. In the “wedding night” survey I’m doing, one woman wrote about how sex was very emotionally different afterwards. She and her fiancé had already slept together before the wedding, but it was different. And she so wished that she had waited.
Here’s the thing about sex once you’re married: you have a lifetime to get it right. It doesn’t have to be perfect right off the bat (and it rarely is). But when you love someone, and you’re committed to someone, you’ve got a lifetime to figure out how to make it good for both of you. There’s no hurry. And for women, our sex drives are very closely related to how loved we feel. When we feel cherished and loved in a relationship, we’re more likely to feel rather energetic sexually, if you know what I mean. So just because sex was bad with other men before you were married has very little bearing on whether or not sex will be good once you are married.
Using sex to say “I love you”
The more thorny issue, I think, is how to use sex as a way to say “I love you” when it’s only ever been a way to say “I want you”. If you’ve had sex before you were married, you did it for purely physical reasons, because the commitment wasn’t there. Once you’re married, other dimensions come in to it. You truly are becoming one flesh. You’re declaring your commitment to one another. And so it IS different, whether or not we think of it that way.
Many married women, though, have this problem. How do I think of sex differently? How do I turn it into something really beautiful, when it’s only ever been something hurried, a little guilt-inducing, and focused only on the physical. I’d suggest that you just spend a lot of time with your husband. Have a bath naked together. Touch each other while you’re naked. Spend time talking. Make it romantic. The more you love each other with words and with your eyes, the more you’ll be able to love each other with other body parts.
Unfortunately, most women, even Christian women, do have sex before they’re married, and when we do that, we rewire our brains so that our brains associate certain things with certain sexual feelings. And we stop associating love with that feeling. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t rebuild that again. This is the man you love. If you completely and utterly love him, sex can definitely be good because it’s in the right context once you’re married. So talk about how much you love him. Show him love. Show him how to show you love. And then the physical parts of sex, which can be very stupendous, too, will follow in a different context. And that’s what really makes this beautiful.
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The storm has passed. It is wonderful that God and all these people are watching out for me. I am coming in tomorrow is there any way someone could pick me up. I am not giving up my dream. I love my family dearly, but I am also looking forward to meeting new friends and to a great future. I have no money or credit cards is it possible for someone to pick me up here? I need and want a new life. God Bless D I want to do this myself I want to enjoy my life I made my choiceI’m going iforward.I do need help with some of my homework. I want to leave everything to my daughters and charities.11111Worried about KC. Larry didn’t want to help me so I feel why should he reap the rewards. Look out Chicago Here I come!!!!!!!!
why should love be different when you are married to when you are not. im not christian and i really cant understand this. why should sex be forbidden? im in serious relationship wich started with sex and lust, transformed into friendship and true love. i really cant understand you christians. you guys forbid everything.
I started having sex @ a very young age with my long term bf michael after a few months we broke up as he became obsessive. As the years went by I met bf Ashley we had sex a few times but I was cheated on by him and abused and yet I stayed as I believed he loved me… I used sex as love ..He then called me on valentines day stating I need to stay away from him which was the worst 9 months of my life. I then found out he made a 14 year old pregnant whilst I was with him so ended up single for a year and had this buddy that I slept with all the time after a while this got serious and feelings grew .. This buddy then became my long term bf of 7 years which I have now and I regret everything that I’ve done in my past all the guys Ive been with all the sexual deeds we have done and unfortunately it is impacting my sex life with my bf as he wants sex all the time and I feel obligated to have sex with him simply to prove that I am his. That’s all thanks to Ashley who lied and cheated I hold back on intimacy wit my current bf coz I keep thinking when will he leave and if he leaves atleast we did not have lots of sex… Am I confused?
Please pardon all grammar errors.
I’m a young, black woman, and I always find it disturbing when people’s responses to internet articles/media point at race when the writer’s intent was not to use it as a subject matter.
The kind of remarks people make online in regard to “blacks” is often very negative, and they are able to speak so freely because they remain anonymous and feel less threatened by the glare of a computer screen. I used to think: “Is it really possible that certain people I see everyday on the street, at work and other places, feel this way?” I wondered, “Why don’t they discuss what they are feeling (or believe) in the appropriate setting or go out and befriend a number of Blacks to discover whatever truths they might find about them?”
Like most races, various kinds of Black people exists, who would like to be disassociated with the negative stereotypes of “Blacks.” Our race includes African Blacks, British Blacks, Caribbean Blacks, French Blacks, Spanish Blacks and many more varieties. And like all other races, ours includes large pockets of trends among various Black groups and a wide range of personalities; also those people who choose to make good decisions and those that make weak choices.
To be honest, I hadn’t even noticed that the woman in the photo is “black.” I glanced at the picture very briefly because I was more interested in the article. After reading the comments, I scrolled up to take another look at her, and I noticed she has the kind of features I’ve seen on the faces of some European women.
I encourage everyone not to have such a preoccupation with race. I try my my best not to make generalizations about people and not to single them out in a negative way. It causes divisions, and the Bible states clearly that we should do our best to be at peace with all men. Bear in mind that we are all God’s glorious creations.
This article is about reconciling a sexual past. I’m not married and have never been sexually active, but I felt it would be an interesting read. I’m sure that author’s intentions to give sound advice are well-meaning. She chose the picture because she felt it would be an appropriate addition to conveying her message. People who are struggling with this issue may have found the content useful. I’m glad the writer has at least made an attempt to reach out to her intended audience.