Are You a Good Tease?
If someone teases you and you are hurt by it who is at fault? Is it your fault for “not being able to laugh at yourself” or for “always taking things too seriously”? Or is it the fault of the teaser? Have they tried to be funny and only succeeded in being mean. Is saying “I didn’t mean it like that” enough to take the sting away?
As Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, noted in a recent blog, teasing can serve a good purpose if done correctly, but it’s a rare skill:
It’s certainly true that some people are more able to use teasing — i.e., making fun or mocking someone playfully — in a nice way than are others. Some people can use teasing as a way to make people feel closer, as a way to show friendship — which is obviously a good thing. But maybe that’s more in the nature of “joshing” (teasing lite) than real “teasing.” Some people are good at using teasing as a way to bring up a difficult subject in a way that’s a relief to everyone — very tricky to do well.
Rubin goes on to say that the litmus test of good tease is very simple: if the person you are attempting to tease thinks it’s funny, you’ve succeeded. If they are uncomfortable you need to stop.
It’s not just words
I remember being on both sides of this equation as a kid. I have a younger brother who is six years younger than I am. I went away to university when he was 13. I came home that summer to an adolescent who had still been a little boy when I left in the fall. I don’t remember what I said to him one night over dinner, but I do remember Dave bursting into tears and yelling, “nothing is EVER good enough for you.”
I love that kid like air and I would never have intentionally hurt him, but I did hurt him that night. There are some who would argue that he should toughen up but that’s not true. I’m the one who was in the wrong that night. I should have been more careful with him.
In high school I lived on the receiving end of teasing. You can argue that it’s just words but I cannot agree with that. The words that were said to me landed like fists against my heart. They chipped away at my sense of self until there was almost nothing left and I came very close to throwing away what little remained. (You can read my story here.)
Well intentioned or not, teasing often starts with a seed of criticism. It’s hard for anything good to come from that. After reading Rubin’s post I’m more convinced than ever that teasing is a lot like handling poisonous snakes: yes there are a few people who can do it with spectacular results, but for most of us the risk for injury just isn’t worth it.
What were your experiences with teasing as a child, and now as an adult? Do you think teasing ever benefits the receiver? Let us know in the comments.
Teasing had a very negative affect on my life. Read how I rebuilt my self esteem. If you struggle with your sense of self try our free life lesson Defining Yourself: What’s in your bag?
phoneistrashsorry
I don’t remember being teased too much as a child or young adult(except for by my younger brother,of course,which I am ashamed to adore I didn’t handle well) but I had a particular job a few months ago which I ended up leaving,again,Tony shame now, because I just couldn’t handle the way a certain coworker would frequently play games with me,telling me things that I had no idea whether to believe or not,and then tell me to have a sense of humor. While it could have been a much worse situation than it actually was,I was at such a low point in my life that it the proverbial straw that broke the camels back and I ended up leaving the job(it was my second part time job,otherwise I think I would have stayed). I have also been guilty of being the teaser but didn’t realize until years later(now),how it actually came across( it was a guy friend I had liked who I realized was calling everyone But me and I was so hurt I didn’t realize until much later that my growing bitterness had come out in some way through the way I teased or pretended to dismiss him. He left my group of friends for a while but even though he is back our friendship has never really thrived. I am now very sensitive in the way I treat others but I will always feel a great sense of loss towards this person because of my past behavior.