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I want to give a bit of balance to what I think is often misunderstood when it comes to marriage. Lots of marriage books, and especially certain Christian circles, really emphasize the idea that wives are pretty much solely responsible for a husband’s sexual satisfaction. They should understand that it is a need that he has, and thus they should go out of their way to fulfill it.
To a certain extent I agree with this, and indeed it’s something I talk about frequently. I don’t think women always understand that sex is something very different to men than it is to us. They do have biological drives that we don’t have in the same way. They do often experience love through sex far more than they do through a hug. So we do need to confront our sexual insecurities, deal with our sexual baggage, and as much as possible jump in and have fun!
Finding a balance
BUT. And here’s where I want to insert a big BUT. I have read some of the Every Man’s Battle series of books, and some of the ones written for women made me feel distinctly uncomfortable. If sex is dirty, or if it is damaging to you, or if you have a lot of issues that need to be dealt with sensitively, you don’t have to satisfy him whenever he wants it. You are not a receptacle. The passage in 1 Corinthians 7 where it says that the wife’s body is the husband’s also says that the husband’s body is the wife’s. Therefore, if what he is doing is hurting you, that’s not right either.
I know when I was first married, sex was very difficult. I had a lot of trust issues, and even some physical issues with sex. To jump in and make love whenever he wanted it, with no thought to what I was going through, would have been very psychologically and emotionally destructive to me. I needed some understanding. I needed some love, and I needed some space. And when I did receive that, most of the problems went away (others went away later, but that’s another story).
There is a thread in a lot of this literature that sex is somehow all about him, and so we need to adjust and make it fun for him. Use lingerie. Do what he wants. And I’m sorry ladies, but I just don’t buy that. Not completely.
It takes two, and that’s a good thing
Yes, we need to think about him. Yes, we need to be sensitive to the fact that he probably needs sex more than we do. Yes, we need to initiate. But when we start talking about how we need to satisfy his sex drive, we’re making the same mistake with sex that the world makes. We’re pigeon-holding sex so that it’s all about the physical, and not about the spiritual or emotional connection that it’s supposed to encompass as well.
Sex is not only physical. It also needs to be a deep way that we connect on other levels, too. If we’re just into “meeting his physical needs”, then we start to think of it that way. It’s for him, and it’s about satisfying him, as if he’s some sort of an animal. Sex doesn’t become something that brings the two of you together; it becomes something that almost dehumanizes you. And that is not what God intended.
Unfortunately, part of the Christian church buys this. They think that because we were created to be his “help-meet”, we have to help him in this area, and that should be our main task. But if we go in with that attitude, we miss the potential that sex has to be something that binds us together beautifully. And we can do some serious damage to some new wives’ sexuality.
Sex is something beautiful; it’s not a duty where you just have to act as into it as possible so that he will have a good time. It’s meant for the two of you together. So instead of thinking of something that you have to do to satisfy him, think of it as a journey of exploration that you take together, where you get to know each others’ bodies, explore each other, kiss a lot, and look into his eyes. It’s not just about his release; it’s about the bond that needs to come between the two of you. That bond is not going to happen if it’s all about just satisfying him. Sex needs to be mutual.
You’re in this together
So mutually you need to decide on frequency. If he wants it twice a day, you don’t have to do that. You really don’t. I would suggest several times a week, but that’s something that needs to be between the two of you. And when sex does happen, make sure that you tell him what you want, too. Don’t see it as a chore, which is how so many of these books seem to describe it.
There are also some books that tell you that if he’s addicted to pornography, you can break that addiction by simply being better. If you’re sexier, and more fun, he’ll lose the interest. That’s totally a misunderstanding of how male sexuality works. The reason he’s addicted to porn is because he’s addicted to fantasy and to an image. He isn’t addicted to a relationship. And you can’t break that addiction by becoming sexier and more outlandish; in fact, if you do that, you’ll cement the addiction because you’ll let him act out his weird fantasies, and then you’ll become part of his porn habit.
You are not responsible for him becoming addicted to porn, and having sex constantly will not break that addiction. He needs to decide it’s wrong, he needs to go to God, and you both need to find a way to make love in order to forge a spiritual connection, instead of just to find the next weird physical thing you can do.
I hope that this provides some balance. Women need to challenge ourselves to make our husbands’ sex lives the best that we can. But the way sex is best is not when we just have sex all the time; it’s when we embrace everything that sex should be, and that includes a deep emotional and spiritual connection. Work on forging that bond, and sex will be great. Think of sex as a chore where you have to act all excited or your husband won’t feel loved, and you do great damage to your own sexuality. You feel cheap, used, and resentful. Don’t fall into that trap. Embark on a sexual journey of discovery that’s fun and mutual, and you’ll be a lot better off.
This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.
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I Agree I really do. Thanks. and go bless you!!
You couldn’t have said it better Sheila. I agree with you 100%
Felisha–Thanks so much! Good to know others see the need for balance!
I agree wholeheartedly with your article. I think most men would agree that we would just like to be desired by our wives and not feel that sex is used to control us. And there should be a genuine attempt to achieve a balance regarding frequency, as opposed to the wife always deciding when it will take place.
It’s not all about the husband, it’s all about the couple, as a team… Both parties need to remember that!
WOW! This is so powerful to me. Thank you for speaking about (you can’t break that addiction by becoming sexier and more outlandish; in fact, if you do that, you’ll cement the addiction because you’ll let him act out his weird fantasies, and then you’ll become part of his porn habit.) I now find myself feeling like I don’t know how to make love anymore just ease the sexual tention. Now I feel a need to learn how to make love and not just sex. Any helpful ideas as to how I can change my mind set back to loving?
Thanks
Sometimes I find it very hard, I feel like I am alone in this. For me sex is not about just meeting his needs it is about meeting mine as well. For me sex is about how I also feel loved, I am not the kind of woman who likes to just cuddle. I want the whole meal deal, I love making love, to me it is a whole expression of our commitment. We have fun, we have purpose and we have a great time physically.
In fact I find myself feeling like the odd person out, like when people use the diagrams of the male and female brain I hate that sex consumes most of the male one and for the female it is some minor little particle. I would like to know if there are more women out there like me. I don’t fit into the catagory of “this is just my duty, or one day I’ll grow to like this”, sex has always been high on my ‘to do’ list and I hope it stays there and I do have over 30 years of loving my husband. Older women used to tell me as a young wife that they used to be like me and that it will wear off. Sure there are seasons, I did go through cancer twice, I have had times of things slowing down but it has not worn off and I hope it never does. I love to encourage the young women and tell them that it just gets better. My husband and I do have a great relationship and I believe that great sex has been a huge factor in making it what it is.
Lorraine, There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying sex with your husband. Current stats show that in 25% of marriages, the woman has an even higher sex drive than her husband. I am sorry to hear that you feel like the odd man out sometimes, but if ever there was a time to be in the minority you certainly picked a great one. I think it’s wonderful that you and your husband enjoy such a healthy and happy physical relationship. If I were you I would refuse to listen to anyone who tries to tell that you that’s going to wear off. Clearly, it’s not and that’s wonderful. I hope you have many many happy years ahead and congratulations on more than 30 years of marriage! With marriages entered into and cast aside so easily these days it truly does my heart good to hear that there are people who do the work to stay together and who get to reap the incredible rewards of being together for a lifetime.
I feel like a minority, too. My husband is not very interested in sex, and when we do have sex he doesn’t make much effort to please me or participate. It’s basically me doing my part to pleasure him and then he thanks me after. I have tried to tell him how i feel, that it’s supposed to be a mutual thing, not just about the man. But I have been married 6 years and I am sexually starved. I want it to be something we do often and that we both enjoy. And I don’t know how to get there. And I don’t have a lot of hope that it will ever change. I don’t get hugs or kisses, he doesn’t like to cuddle, he finds it annoying. He doesn’t like talking, either. I feel like I have no way to be and feel intimate with my husband. I asked him how often he wanted sex and he said 1-2 times a week. I would like it more than that. I hear friends talking about how their husbands want them all of the time. I wish my husband wanted me at all.
Pam, I truly feel badly and sympathize for you in your situation. You are in a very tough place and I hope and pray that somehow your husband will wake up and realize his God-given job #1 is to love you as Christ loves the church.
Please realize that all men are not alike in terms of their sexual desires and a number of factors enter into this, all the way from relations during formative years between parents and/or son and mother up to and including testosterone levels. So maybe you can talk to him about counseling and/or medical testing or possibly you can get him to read the book, “The Five Love Languages”, along with you and just discuss the different aspects of love together.
Meanwhile, make the most out of the 1-2 times a week you do have sex; I don’t need to be explicit but there are various ways to enhance this activity and possibly make it more stimulating and exciting for both of you. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t improve immediately but you are in this for the long haul so be patient and always loving.