How to Say “I’m sorry”
Arguably the worst piece of romantic advice ever given is the oft quoted, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Love is all about saying you’re sorry. Love, when it’s good, is finding someone that you want to be with, someone you want to share your life with. Inevitably in all that togetherness there are going to be times when both of you mess up. Love is what makes it worth the effort to apologize and set things right.
In a recent article for CNN Laurie Puhn explains how to do it right. As children we all learn that simply saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. You have to mean it. In her article Puhn outlines three ways to get your message across. “Step 1,” she writes “make a mountain out of a molehill.”
Our tendency is usually to downplay the error, but that can be a sneaky way of accusing the other person of overreacting. Downplaying the wrong is akin to non-apology of “I’m sorry you’re upset.” Any good apology involves admitting fault. It’s most effective if you get that out of the way upfront.
Puhn goes on to say that step 2 involves using “the because clause”. This is the other half of owning up to your mistake. The issue is not just what you did but how it made your partner feel. Being late for your date suggests that you had other, more important things to do. Forgetting to do something you promised can make a partner feel unwanted. Own up to the way you made them feel. It’s a great opportunity to tell them how much they mean to you, how you would never intentionally mean to make them feel that way.
Mistakes are just that – mistakes. The whole point is that they are not your usual behavior so there’s little harm in admitting to what went wrong this time. Saying it out loud validates the other person’s emotions. It tells them that you understand and value their feelings. And that’s important.
The final step in a perfect apology is what Puhn calls “prevent and repair”. This is the part where you fix things, if you can. If you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, go get it. If you can’t fix the damage, tell your partner what you will do to make sure this doesn’t happen again. You might need to write things down, or put a little wiggle room into your schedule so you’re not late. Taking action is the perfect ending to a great apology.
When you’re dealing with a much bigger issue that showing up late, one good apology might not be enough. If you’re dealing with a larger issue, take heart. If you apologize and mean it and change your behavior to keep showing that you mean it, good things can happen. Read Sue’s story of when sorry just wasn’t good enough.
If your relationship could use a little tune-up or if you want to learn how to make a great relationship even better, try a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. You’ll be amazed at what you learn and you’ll both reap the benefits.