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There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, but how do you know if you’re in a good marriage? There have been a spat of celebrity break ups this week. It’s easy to look at them at think, “well that’s Hollywood, we have real problems” but sometimes we lose perspective too. When you’re tired, when change is slow, when you run out of hope it becomes easier to think about walking away. How do you know if you have a marriage worth fighting for?
In a recent article for O, The Oprah Magazine Ginger Tobias writes:
Freedom beckons intoxicatingly, but then I wonder if my expectations aren’t unrealistic—whether I’ve got the makings of a good marriage but am foolishly holding out for perfect. Paul Amato, PhD, professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 subjects who started off married, and says 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential. Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn’t lived up to their expectations. “It’s important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time,” Amato says, “and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs.”
I find that both a sad and a hopeful statement – “55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential.” It’s sad to think that people walked away from something that could have been saved, but it’s also hopeful. If you find yourself looking across the breakfast table at your spouse and daydreaming about your single days, there is reason to hope.
Tobias goes on to ask the all important question, “So how do you know if you have one of those fixable marriages?” I think that for the most part, if you’re wondering you’re in luck. The truly unfixable things in marriage are never subtle. Where there has been violence, or abandonment, unfaithfulness or unaddressed addiction, you already know that the marriage is in trouble. That’s not to say that one of these things makes your union a write-off, but they are not issues you wonder about. These are things you know, deep in your stomach.
If you’re wondering, it’s likely a less grievous issue and the great news is that these are things that CAN improve. Think of it as the difference between a heart attack and needing to loose a few pounds. Both put your health in jeopardy, neither are ideal but where the heart attack requires immediate help from professionals, the few pounds are something you can deal with. Yes, it’s going to take attention and work and commitment and you’re going to have to make some changes. But it’s not catastrophic, it’s fixable.
Tobias offers 10 questions to ask to assess the heath for your marriage. Questions like “Are you exaggerating the negatives?”, “Have you left the marriage by withdrawing emotionally?”, “Do you have fun together? You can see the full list here. Her questions are an excellent way to gain a little perspective and the odds are in your favor that the news is good.
If you fall into the other 40% and your marriage really is in trouble there is still hope for you. Find a counselor, get the help you need. You would never try to cure your own cancer. If your marriage is sick, get help. There are counselors across the US and Canada who are ready to help.
If you’re ready to do a little marriage maintenance there are a thousand things you can do. Start a weekly date night even if it’s just going for coffee. Start a new activity you can do together. Read about how other couples saved their marriage. Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway and spend two whole days focused on your relationship and each other. Your marriage is the single most influential relationship in your life. I promise it’s worth every ounce of effort you put into it.
If you’d like to talk to someone privately about any relationship issue we have mentors available 24/7. Just use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back usually in a couple of days.
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Is my marriage fixable !!!!
NO ! We have been married 45 years and since our wedding night things fell flat. We had sex once our first, last and only. There hasn’t been any thing in all these years. Husband said he hated sex it was disgusting, messy, no excitement, no pleasure, and just to much work for so little. He would prefer sleep over sex. Also the next day he said he never wanted sex again from any one, then he proceeded to move all his thing to the basement. and also he started to work the midnight shift to get away from me. He hasn’t been home after 10 pm for over 40 years. He works other peoples vacation but doesn’t take his. He works everyone elses sick days also. I asked him not to work so much, and all he said was leave me alone and don’t ever bother me again! I’ll do what I want and I wasn’t going to tell him what to do. I’ve been confused, depressed, hurt and totaly hate this person. Some how we co-exist, I guess its because we live apart even though its the same house. My doctors have helped me through alot over the years. I try to be my self and be happy. I work part time, and volenteer at a womens home less shelter. Thats kind of my home away from home.
I know you have lived a terribly hard marriage Amy. I cannot say that I understand where you are coming from because I have never lived out those lonely years that you have had to live. But let me suggest that your marriage is fixable. I don’t make that kind of crazy claim because I know you or your husband (which I don’t). Nor do I make that claim because I have a sure-fire, step-by-step program to making your marriage better in 30 days. I make my claim that your marriage is fixable based solely on the person of Jesus Christ. I know Him and I have seen him transform the most horrendous people into someone caring, kind and generous. I don’t know why your husband has been so cold to you all of these years, but I know that Jesus can transform him into a completely different person. Not only that, Jesus can transform you into a completely different person and give you completely altered perspective on your life. Have a look at some of these stories in people’s own words about the way that they have been made new by Jesus Christ http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/.
Lord God, I pray for Amy. You know that she has lost hope and no one could blame her after 45 years. But Lord I know that You are a miracle worker. You can take those things that everybody else would give up on and transform it into something beautiful. I pray for that kind of transformation in Amy’s life and in her husband’s life. Erase all of the pain from their first 45 years together through the joy of what You create in their marriage. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Amy have a look at some of those videos and then if you want to know more, click on the links to “Know God” that are on the right side panel.
What a hopeful post for those who are still on the verge. I very much would like the opportunity to prove to my soon to my wife that our marriage is savable. What hit me was truly how much fun we had together… we really like each other at the core. We hit some very difficult years. Hurt that we did to each other and trauma that happened in our relationship. I am praying for reconciliation, even past this divorce.
Dear Pete,
I join you in praying for reconciliation in your marriage. Yesterday I read a quote attributed to G. K. Chesterton, originally about Christianity but then applied to marriage, and it really struck me:
‘Marriage has not been tried and found wanting so much as found hard and left untried.’
I see this in my own circumstance, but I wonder how many people really thought marriage would be easier, so then depart when it is not. Given how we are all sinners, it is truly only by grace that we manage to get along at all. I see the Lord’s grace in your description of the fun you had with your wife, and I confess that I would very much like to hear you report back with great news in His time.
God is able to do great things, but He doesn’t do them on our terms or in the way we think in best. The challenge is in persisting in your faith, trusting Him, even when nothing seems to be working out. Run the race to the finish, do not give up.
Blessings in Christ,
Kate
What about when God lets the bad people win? When your spouse attacks you, blames, lets anger overtake them, acts like a victim (narcissist behaviors) and God doesn’t help? What if this isn’t the first time in your life that the (simplifying) bad people won? Meanwhile you’re consciously choosing Godly actions, tithing, and living the fruits of the spirit. Not claiming to be perfect, but doesn’t the Bible day he will look after us and protect us? It seems some people get “lucky” to have good lives, and others just get screwed. Evil, manipulative people get what they want. They are so good at acting two faced that their victims just lose because judges aren’t just. Where is God in these things?
Dear Father God.
You said that marriage is between two people man and woman. I pray for all people who are married and also for ones that will be married, that you will comfort them, that You will guide them as they go through struggles each day, that they would first seek You and let You take full control in there marriage.
In Jesus Mighty name amen
good article and good responds from this article i am praying for all marriages
Hi M, I am so sorry that you have been taken advantage of by mean spirited people. You aren’t alone in asking that question about bad people winning. In the Bible Asaph–one of the authors of Psalms–questioned God about this. He writes that he almost lost his faith in God because, “I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. They seem to live such a painless life; their bodies are so healthy and strong. They aren’t troubled like other people or plagued with problems like everyone else. They wear pride like a jeweled necklace, and their clothing is woven of cruelty. These fat cats have everything their hearts could ever wish for!” (Psalm 73) He goes on to describe how evil people do not seem to suffer the same way that good people do. But then he remembers the ultimate destination of the wicked, how in the instant of death they will be swept away for an eternity of pain and suffering that is far worse than we could ever imagine or describe. He remembers that God knows what He is doing and can be trusted to carry us through the difficulties that we face today and bring us to our eternal future of beauty and joy that is equally beyond our ability to describe or imagine.
Jesus warned Peter not to compare his life to the way that God works in other people’s lives. You can be sure that God is doing what is best for you but that will be different from what is His plan and purpose for others. Instead, focus on what God is leading you to do today, in this moment. You can know just as certainly as Asaph did that God “will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.” (Psalm 73:24) If God is indeed your shelter, the strength of your heart, and the one you desire more than anything else on Earth, you can know that He will carry you through whatever troubles you face in this life right into your heavenly home to be with Him forever.
I know that doesn’t answer the question “Why?” It doesn’t take away from the pain of being used by evil people. But for me, it helps remind me of who I look to for guidance in those troubles so that I follow the path that He has set for my life and I avoid getting drawn away to follow a path that may seem easier now but leads to the destruction of the proud.
Lord God, I pray for M as she is weighed down by the abuse of other people. Lord I pray that You would guide her through these painful days. Lead her to people who will love and care for her and help her to stand against the oppression of bad people. Give her wisdom to know how to respond to the abuse and how to love hurting people even if it means getting away from them to stop the abuse. Comfort her in the trials and strengthen her to be an agent of hope, love and forgiveness to other people in pain. And set firmly in her mind the hope of a glorious future that awaits all those who trust in Jesus Christ alone. amen.
M, let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you look to Jesus for guidance in how to respond to the bad people in your life. There is no cost and you will find they are safe people who care deeply about you. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will get in touch with you by email soon.