Let us take a few moments to set aside the wedding details, and briefly con­sider an area that challenges many women. How can you learn to live with the man you love without losing yourself? There are two sides to this.

• Some women, especially those who are getting established on a career path or have waited a bit before marriage, know who they are as an individual. Their identity seems clear; they’ve had time to learn their own strengths, weaknesses and roles.Getting married for these women may be just a part of life, and they may even think that marriage and family will have to just fit in with the way they have planned their life already. Learning to live together effectively may be a challenge for them. Love for a husband, however, will require them to learn, to grow and to adapt to the one they love.

• For other women, the challenge is different, at least on the surface. To be a wife (and possibly a mother) fulfills a dream since early childhood. We’ve often been taught as women that our love should be sacrificial, that we should be willing to put others first. Scripture is clear that a major focus for a godly wife is to please her husband.The potential danger in this thinking is that a woman may give up who God made her to be. She may find herself surrendering her own dreams, desires and calling in an effort to best serve and please her husband. She loses a part of herself, and may find in future years that she lost something precious. Part of the tragedy is that she can no longer bring all of herself to the marriage, either.

How can a woman avoid these two pitfalls? A major key, I think, is in accepting who God says we are as women. How closely have you listened to His voice about your identity? Your core identity cannot be in your career or in your marriage—both of those are external, and both may change. People change jobs every day, and even the security of a marriage can be shattered by death, illness or other tragedy. If you are to avoid the trap of simply remaining two separate individuals under a single roof (living in physical proximity without truly sharing your lives), you will need an identity that goes beyond the external.

You are, at heart, a woman whom God dearly loves. He gave His Son, Jesus Christ, for you. He has a purpose for you, and a part of that purpose may well be found in the role of wife and mother; it may be as a nurse, teacher, executive, or other professional. It is a part though, not the whole of life. If you’re not to lose yourself, you need to know who you are and to whom you belong. If you’re to give freely and love well, you need to know how very secure you are in Him.

Spend time with the Lord daily, and ask Him to show you who you are in His eyes, and how to best bring that to your marriage. There will be times when He calls you to lay aside your plans or desires, and to do so in such cases is wise. Ask for His help in blending your needs, desires and dreams with those of your husband. He wants the best for both of you!

Lord, there are many changes ahead, and they will influence how I see myself. Help me to be firmly grounded in Your love, and to find my core identity in who You say I am. Out of that security, help me to reach out in love to my husband. Help  us to blend our lives into a beautiful reflection of Your love for Your people. Please help us to live unselfishly and to encourage one another to be all You’ve made us to be. Amen