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67% of first time marriages go the distance. I was reading a report on divorce statistics from StatsCan and this fact jumped off the page. It seemed to contradict a much repeated statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So which one is true? Well, they both are actually.
Two of every three new marriages will indeed last for life….but the 50% statistic is also true because it includes all marriages and the fact is that second and third marriages (and fourth and fifth for that matter!) divorce at a much higher rate.
Don’t these facts make you wonder “why do subsequent marriages fail at a significantly higher rate than first marriages?” Reflecting on the thousands of couples we have known and worked with, here is what I think are the prime reasons marriage fail:
- Misdiagnosis. Many people end their first marriage convinced that they simply married the “wrong person”. With that belief, it becomes very easy to overlook some very serious relationship shortcomings in themselves or any unhealthy relationship patterns that may have grown. When this is the case it should not be surprising that similar issues arise in the next marriage. Like Yogi Berra said, “Wherever you go, there you are.” The first step to resolving issues in a first or subsequent marriage is always to be honest about and change the only thing you can really control – yourself!
- Blending families. When people remarry, there are often children involved…and blending families is difficult! Parenting is always challenging, but I don’t know a remarried couple who doesn’t say that step-parenting is WAY harder. And that makes sense – I mean, how can it not be harder when you are blending two different parenting styles and histories plus the dynamics of shared custody and whole different sets of values and guidelines at the other homes?Add in the additional emotional stuff the kids and parents experience through a break up, solo time. Then add a new marriage and you have a very complex situation. Remarriage expert Ron Deal (www.successfulstepfamilies.com) says it takes an average of seven years for remarried couples with kids to fully blend. Because these complex blended parenting issues are the most challenging in the early days, I think a lot of couples find it just too hard to make it to seven years. If you are step-parenting in the first seven years, there is hope! Yes, it’s hard but there is help available.
- Baggage. Every one of us brings baggage into marriage…for some of us, it is only a backpack and for others of us it is a truck load! Baggage from any past relationship can complicate all the usual marital challenges of two people building a relationship of mutual trust, intimacy and respect. When one has experienced the pain, loss, disillusionment and broken trust of a divorce it is understandable that they will bring extra baggage into a future marriage and thereby reduce the chances of going the distance.
In light of all this, it seems far wiser to me to strengthen, heal and restore the marriage you are in rather than leave it believing a future marriage will be easier. I have had many remarried couples tell me that if they had known how difficult their second marriage was going to be, they would have worked harder at the first one. The fact is that divorce only ends a marriage legally. Divorce has no power to end unresolved issues or to make unhealthy behaviors vanish. I have always believed and I think these statistics support that our best chance for a life long marriage is the first one.
That’s what I’ve been thinking. What do you think?
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Dear Father God
Lord I lift up tiki to You at this time in her life that you will surround her and her husband with that You like to share with your children. In Jesus Mighty Name Amen
You are very welcome, Tiki. I hope your pregnancy and delivery goes smoothy. Take care.
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Hello Tiki,
It is really healthy that you are reaching out for prayer and help. At our staff meeting yesterday, I prayed for you out loud. I just wanted you to know that you had about twenty people agreeing in prayer for you. I would encourage you to reach out to people in your life (maybe at church or a trusted family member). If you want, we have confidential online mentors that will listen, pray and encourage you as you walk this hard journey: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Take care,
Michael
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Hello Tiki,
Thank you for so openly sharing about the struggle you’re facing. In many ways, your situation is a lot like my wife’s. I am her first husband, but this is my second marriage, and I have two kids from my previous relationship. Marriage is really hard, but then if you add blended family dynamics, it can feel impossible.
A year and a half ago, we were going through a rough patch, with our communication breaking down. She was feeling quite hopeless. We started going for counselling and it really helped. We are much stronger and happier in our marriage now. I’ve been able to learn how to support her as a step mom much better. Feel free to read my article on that topic or to even pass it on to your husband. That way he’ll get a man’s perspective on what you probably need from him in the way of support: http://powertochange.com/sex-love/support-stepmom/
Your marriage is definitely worth fighting for; you’ll need God’s help to beat the odds that are against second marriages. I hope that when you say that you are stepping back to focus on yourself and your baby, that you are still devoting your time to the Lord.
I would encourage you to let the dust settle and then to again tell your husband how you need his support and how you would really love him to try counselling again. Even if he doesn’t go to counselling right aways, it would be great for you to go in the meantime. And you might need to have that conversation with him a few times. It took me a while to clue in. Us men can be really stubborn and proud (in case you haven’t noticed :) You could suggest that he go on his own without you for a bit.
Above all else, keep on bathing your new marriage in prayer. God has great things in store for you two, but it will take overcoming some communication problems and hurts and learning what each other needs. For example, I had to learn how to not take my wife’s venting personally. When she was blowing off steam about my kids or about how she was unhappy, I would feel attacked, so I would shut down the conversation. But attacking me was not her intention. She just needed to know I cared and would listen. I also had to learn to tell her how I felt (both the good and the bad), because as a safety mechanism, I had kept my feelings locked up in my first marriage.
I share this to encourage you that change is possible through God’s grace and being humble with each other, honest with oneself and totally dependent on God’s power. Please don’t give up. This new marriage and family can be awesome. It will be complicated for sure, but it can also be filled with joy. With a new baby coming, it’s worthy doing the hard work of fixing things. I will pray for his heart to open up and for you to persevere in trusting God. Take care!
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God Bless you Rollercoasterider, your declaration of the power of God to transform the most hardened of hearts is a clear reflection of the promise of the Good News of Jesus Christ. I know Jesus can change anyone’s heart because He changed mine. And that is why I encourage anyone who is a follower of Jesus to never give up on your marriage because no matter how awful your spouse is, Jesus can make him/her into a new creation. I know that even as I write this that there are those who are in dangerous situations and they need to get out to keep themselves and their children safe. Even in those situations they can know that Jesus will lead them to a way to be safe and still remain true to their covenant of marriage.
Thank you so much for the stand that you took in your marriage and for your courage to help others going through similar things. Your website is a great encouragement. I would encourage everyone to click on Rollercoasterider’s name in her comment to visit her site.
Good comments, Rollercoasterider.
I admire people with your attitude and view.
Every person’s situation is unique, and every person is different.
Travis: “One person cannot hold a marriage together and a single person will fail if they are the only one trying to put one back together.”
Actually one person (working with God) can hold a marriage together, but that person cannot put their marriage back together until their spouse rejoins the effort.
I know because I did it and I help other abandoned spouses Stand for their marriages.
Mary Frances: “I wanted to fight for my marriage. My ex refused to seek professional help. He was already divorced in his mind. He already had himself joined up on all of the internet dating sites and despite his statements that he broke off his affair, he still wanted to try divorce to see if it would help him. Me and our marriage was not important enough for him to even try to work on it with me. I had no choice but to give him what he wanted – a divorce”
Fighting yields fighting. I Stood for my marriage, by kneeling down to pray. And my husband refused counseling—he went once to help me accept that it was over. He was already divorce din his mind—at least on some days, he kept changing his mind in confusion which made it more confusing and frightening. He had someone waiting and he filed for divorce within a few weeks of sleeping with her—which was also when he moved out of his apartment and in with her.
When he filed for divorce, I did not give him what he wanted; I supported what I wanted and contested. I was lucky, he eventually stopped the divorce. Does that mean I would have given in? No, my lawyer agreed to sign on my behalf because I did not want my signature on documents saying I was in agreement to such an immoral action.
Claire Colvin: “I agree that you cannot stayed married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you anymore…”
Actually people do it all the time. Working with abandoned spouses, I watch them Stand and stay married, but during their Stand it is without a functional marriage—it is legal. The thing so many people do not know and are surprised to learn is that the spouse who wants out often won’t file for divorce or they want out of the relationship for now, but divorce has not crossed their minds. What we can’t do in the world of no-fault divorce is prevent a divorce from being finalized if our spouse does not agree with us to stop it.
Tiona: “When a spouse has been unfaithful and wants to leave there is no working that out.”
There is Standing. That is not about working it out now, it’s about setting aside the issues for later when the doomed affair has blown-up and the spouse is willing to rebuild. My husband and I worked through it and he had a 3.5 year affair—he continued to break-up with her and came home multiple times throughout that period.
Dear Sharlet, I am so sorry to hear about the troubles that are taking place within your marriage at this time. Once two people tie the knot and say “I Do” that is when the hard work of nurturing, tending, caring, and blending two lives into one happy family begins to take place. Do you believe your marriage is worth saving and going through the work of rebuilding as God would have it? Have the both of you ever considered seeking help through a marriage counselor or your pastor?
God should not be the last piece of “Hope” in a falling apart marriage. God needs to be in the center of all marriages whether they are striving or going through rough times! We need to include God in our finances, spending habits, how to raise children wisely, how to serve Him, etc… Have you and your husband included God in these types of things or have you both been trying to figure things out in your own understanding and might? There is power when both husband and wife come together and talk about daily things and future goals while seeking God for direction in all things.
Communication, commitment, agreeing in most things, caring for, and nurturing one another are all important elements that form a strong marriage. The Bible says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3)
Here is a suggested prayer that you can pray to God in restoring your marriage.
Lord, I humbly ask that we would be united and strong as a couple. May Your cords of peace, honor, respect, and love hold us together during both good times and the challenges of our married life. As we become more connected to You, Lord, help us to be closer to each other. Help us to be patient, bearing with one another in love. And help us to live in joyful harmony. In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Sharlet, is it mainly “money issues” that you are dealing with or are there other issues as well that are causing such friction within your household?
I feel that once both individuals in the marriage has given up, there is really only one hope and the is God. When you get married you feel that you are married to your soul mate, but what happens? The things you use to do, you no longer do, the attention you gave to each other is no longer there, and when you have to take a 2nd and 3rd job because the husband cannot handle the needs that the spouse may have, all hell breaks loose. I just pray to God whatever his will let it be done.
good article
Marraige is a very difficult issue that we have in our society.
They say that it is very hard to do in this life.
When we meet someone we want to go ahead and marry right away. I know I did get married for the wrong reason in my life, as it was to be albe to leave the home that I was rasied in. Sure i did love him and I still do,but that changed when within a year we were separated becasue of him not well.
My view on marriage and especially on other marrages in our lives is very hard to do in life. it creates a lot of problems that takes time to resolve. We need to be patient in it and let God do the married thing for us
God our Daddy wants all of us to be happy in our relationships and families.
We need to let go and let God in our lives and let Him have full control of every bit of our lives, either single or married.
Let us pray to God about this.
Lord i know that many people are hurting in marrage and that it is not easy to be married 2nd and many times inwhich children are alos involved.
I pray that you will help the people who have made the decision to go through marriages and also ones who stay single. I pray that you will support them in all areas of there lives.
In Jesus Mighty Name Amen
Unfortunately, my marriage was not worth saving.
The trust and love were gone long ago…for me.
Allowing myself to be verbally and emotionally abused for over a decade left me feeling worthless and unloved.
My ex waited until I filed for divorce to show emotion….REAL emotion. Too little too late.
You can’t say “I Love You” to your spouse, abuse them, treat them like garbage and expect them to stay with you.
dear joseph– father God i do pray for this marriage to be 100 times better and forgicveness and reconcilation to happen, blow on this marriage holy spirit to renew and refresh this marriage i am praying for you and your marriage i pray all of this in JESUS name amen love sharon
With God ANY situation can be reconciled and restored.I’m praying to God and believe in my heart that God will reconcile and restore my marriage so that it will be a million times better than it was before. I think of God and his Holy Spirit as an anti-toxican. He’s able but you have to believe truly and whole heartedly!!!
Travis if we try to work out the marriage ourselves and feel that we are the only one wanting to work in the marriage then you are right as alone you will never do it. However if you allow Christ and the Holy Spirit to work in your wife’s life and show your love by actions and not words then Christ will work in the persons life. It takes a lot of love and patience to be able to do this as throwing in the towel sounds easy but it is so difficult. Earnestly seek Christs will and he will reveal it to you and love as Christ loved. If you want to communicate with one of our mentors I would suggest you email the mentor as they will walk along with you and pray with you. God Bless
I would love to stay as optimistic as the author has stated, but the reality is that all involved have to be present and willing to work through the issues for a marriage to be successful.
One person cannot hold a marriage together and a single person will fail if they are the only one trying to put one back together.
I wanted to fight for my marriage. My ex refused to seek professional help. He was already divorced in his mind. He already had himself joined up on all of the internet dating sites and dispite his statements that he broke off his affair, he still wanted to try divorce to see if it would help him. Me and our marriage was not important enough for him to even try to work on it with me. I had no choice but to give him what he wanted – a divorce. However, through that process I lost my “rose-colored glasses” and learned many things that I had no clue were going on. The distrust I have now of not only him, but of anyone is clearly affecting my relationship with God and other people. I have to work on myself before I even think about getting involved in another relationship. I think it is different for seniors who find themselves divorced after their 1st marriage. Sometimes I feel like I am a “widow”. My Mother was widowed in her early 60’s. To me [and I know plenty of widows will disagree with me] but to me this is like he died. There is this person out there who looks like him, but he is not the man I married nor loved. So I would not think of even looking for a second marriage at my age if I were widowed, and it is the furthest thing from my mind now that I am divorced. If I were married younger and divorced younger I could relate. But I agree that we can’t force the other person to work at saving the marriage if they have already made their mind up that it failed and is not worth saving. We as the spouse who was left behind has to recover and heal ourselves regardless if a second marriage is in our future or not.
I whole heartedly agree with Mr. Josephson’s article. After twenty-five years of marriage I saw separation and possible divorce as the only way out of a very toxic relationship. In the process of healing myself I drew closer to the Lord than ever before in my life during that time I tried desparately to forgive my former partner – though we were no longer living as husband and wife we were co parents of our three children. I had a real difficult time with “the golden rule – love your neighbour as yourself”…..there was no codicile for the ex-spouse. Through none other than divine intervention, we were led to attend a weekend retreat for troubled marriages – following this weekend, we decided to slowly with the Lord’s help see if we might be able to come to an amicable relationship for the benefit of our children and ourselves. It is now eight years later and we are blessed with a marriage that is BETTER than we could imagine. The Lord working through this organization is totally responsible for this. We thank Him daily for second chances and not giving up on us and our marriage. God is good.
Tiona, I agree that you cannot stayed married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you anymore, but I don’t think that is what the author is saying here. Yes, there are some marriages that are so broken that nothing short of a miracle can put things right, but what I see the author saying here is that many people get divorced because it’s too hard, not because of the abuses that you mentioned. I agree that a person should not sacrifice their safety or the safety of their children, I think that anyone would agree with that.
I don’t agree. When a spouse has been unfaithful and wants to leave there is no working that out. When a spouse is abusive to their partner or abuses the children, has a drug addiction, or secret life outside the home that is damaging or threatening to the rest of the family there is no other way to live with someone that is that sick. In the cases where the couples are just saying I’m not in love with you anymore or I don’t feel that spark anymore or life itself is sucking the strength out of people by all means work it out but where abuse and dangers of having other people involved in a marriage where sickness and disease can come in…no the other person has to stay alive especially when children are involved. Some people are just plain TOXIC and being with them is VERY UNHEALTHY emotionally and physically