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I’m going to start with something really basic. Men want to be wanted. They don’t want to be placated. So when it comes to intimacy, we women need to step up to the plate a little bit more. You may think you’re meeting his needs because you’re making love a few times a week, but he won’t feel loved unless you put some energy and enthusiasm into it! That can be hard for us women.
I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this topic. In a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. It is not a physical need for women the way it is for men. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time! Because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!
So often we lie there in bed, with this conversation running through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.
If we put a stop to that conversation and decide to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow. As would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough so that you both feel connected and close.
So rest up, get the chores done, and de-stress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much better your marriage will be!
I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography. Then it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. If your marriage needs healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too. Commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.
Recommended Resources for healing from past issues
Article:
Healing from Your Past by Barbara Wilson
Books:
Wounded Heart by: Dan Allander
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Great wisdom. I also know that women love attention and need to be desired, so the hubbys also need to show their desire and want us openly.
On the topic of sex beginning in the brain – I just read about a study where 41% of women reported that their libido returned when they took Viagra. But so did 43% of women in the control group who took a sugar pill (see “Journal of Women’s Health and Gender-Based Medicine” May 2002). Our brains do indeed affect us profoundly.
Love certainly is a two way street isn’t it Bless!? If we get caught up in how well or needs are being met rather than how we are meeting our lover’s needs we create the wrong kind of atmosphere for our love to grow. That is easy to say but a lot harder to actually do.
As the saying goes=It take two to tangle.
It takes two to have a marriage that works.
It takes two to have intamacy.
I think if your husband is addicted to pornography then feeling degrading is not gonna help. Learn more about your man’s fantasies and make them come true :)
Katie, I can’t agree with that. You don’t help someone deal with an addiction by enabling it. If you read through the comments on this article you’ll see that many of the women here have tried to be whatever their husband is looking for and no matter what they do it is not enough.
I feel degraded most of the time the way my husbands wants to have sex and i just do it to please him, It makes me feel horrible because most times when he wants it i find that im not in the mood
Hi Caroine, that can be such a struggle for couples. Barbara Wilson has a number of good articles that talk about how our sexual history can impact our intimacy levels with our spouse. You may find some helpful ideas in some of her writings. http://powertochange.com/blogposts/author/bwilson/
I think men often forget, because they are visual beings, that sex begins for a woman hours before clothes are off. It begins when you wrap your arms around her while she is stirring a pot of soup, holding her hand in the car, or telling her to take the night off while you take care of dishes and kids. A big turn on for women- its not always the acts but the fact that you cared about her well being and made her feel special. ( yes, its important the way you do the above for your maximum benefit) Besides boys, the less stressed she is, the more time emotionally she can carve out for you in the bedroom. Married 18 yrs and still getting it right
wow, amazing!!!you know i recently shared with my friend my marriage woes!!! when i explained to her my sex life she could not believe it!!! my husband expects me to initate sex with him all the time. there is not intimacy!!! sex lasts no more than 5 minutes with very little foreplay. he grips and complains all the time he does not get enough sex yet he does not participate in a relationship. he spends more time watching tv, hunting and playing on his tractor than with me. i feel he wants a barbie doll to play, a mommy to take care of him and a prostitute in bed. i have no needs, desires, dreams and wishes. giving him his 2 minute orgasm is not enjoyable or pleasurable for me!!! he tries to tell me i do not like sex but he does not know your actually supposed to engage in a relationship and make love to a woman. oh my the way my friend her and her husband are in their 50’s he is taking viagra. he initates sex and they plan it. he is loving and affection they engage in at least 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay total of a good hour of sex!!!!!!!!! my husband acts like a 2 year old and it is just a plain turn off!!!!
Sara, thank you for sharing your story, there are many women that experience a sex life, like you describe it. I can hear that you long for a deeper level of intimacy with your husband. And it is not a easy subject to approach, without someone feeling inadequate and rejected. In my own life, I had to find wise ways of talking to my husband about sensitive issues, without him feeling threatened or rejected. God’s Word says if we ask for wisdom, He will give it, and that promise is for all areas of our lives. Men and Women are so different,like the article above says so nicely.
I pray that God would give you wisdom in this area of your live, that He would lead, guide you and teach you to teach your husband without him noticing it, how to love you… blessings!
Um what biology class did you fail? God created a sexual desire in all human beings. Women want it bad just as men, we are turned on, we respond when are bodies are handled the right way. I think it’s undermining women’s sexual drive to say that it’s only a head thing, and that we don’t experience sexual urge.
To respond to the first two lines of this article, women want to be wanted too! (That’s the reason I believe so many women in destructive relationships, because they just want someone to want them, even if it is for all the wrong reasons.) Also, the last thing a woman wants is to be patronized or placated. She might not say anything out loud, for fear of being called all the things women with feelings are called like “irrational” or “emotional” but I feel certain that NOBODY likes to be placated or patronized.
As it has been said, we are all wired very differently. Women are different from men and every woman or man is different from another. I suggest that every woman learns her man and every man learns his woman. It is very important for the couple to communicate. Your relationship must have started at some point, when you were able to communicate – remember, where did the fire die out? When one partner realizes that the other seems not to be active, she or he gives up – hopelessly.
It is not wrong to say that it starts in the mind. This is because if you make up your mind that you will not participate no matter what, your spouse cannot force you. If you decide that today you are all his or hers, it will make the difference. Ultimately, it is a game of the two and it is God ordained.