Finding Healing After Betrayal
Interview of Will Ludy* (names have been changed). Written by L. Wang.
I was desperate, dissatisfied and in great despair that Saturday night I ran with Debra to the church for help. For 12 years, my wife and I had been hiding our broken and dishonest marriage beneath the veneer of the happy and “normal” couple. We had to break the cycle of deceit and conflict before it affected our daughter, so we finally went to the nearby church.
A cheating past
I was unfaithful to Debra, and after this was revealed to her, we had to face the possibility of divorce and a family breakup. As we began the painful and ugly process of ending our marriage, we tried to seek counselors and therapists for hope, but no matter where we turned, people told us there was no saving the marriage.
But something inside me told me there was hope. I wanted to mend this relationship so badly and I was willing to do anything, even go to a church where I didn’t know anybody. There, we met a man who later became a good friend of ours. He was the only person who told us there was indeed hope but we needed God’s help. That night, Debra and I realized and came to believe that Jesus is the son of God and that we needed him. He died on the cross for our sins—past, present and future—and I realized I was forgiven by God for my actions in the past.
Proving hopelessness wrong
In the weeks that followed, Debra and I spent time with the friend we met at the church and we began reading the Bible together. As we better understood God and his love for us, we began to see that our marriage may not be hopeless after all. It might seem impossible to fix our marriage from a human perspective, but with God and his love for us, anything is possible.
Shortly after, Debra told me that she had forgiven me, but she didn’t know how that could be possible. She repeatedly asked God in prayer how she could have forgiven me for hurting her. Even more confusing to her was the realization that she was feeling genuine love for me. We quickly came to recognize that this was the grace of God—a gift we do not deserve, especially me. God was giving us hope; his grace and forgiveness was healing our marriage and bringing restoration to our lives.
We decided to take time off work and focus on each other and our relationship. At that time, our backyard was a complete disaster because of a major renovation project. Like our lives, it looked like a bomb had hit it. Each day we would get up and work on the yard together. Shovel by shovel, stone by stone, tree by tree, our yard was transformed from a disaster to a thing of beauty. As the yard changed, we too were changed. Through this project, we began to know each other better and fall in love with each other again. There was hope after all.
God longs for all of us to come to repentance, to admit we have sinned and need God. For me repentance meant being sorry enough to ask God to help me stop and being convicted enough to turn from my sin. Christ didn’t want our marriage to end and he was with us to save it. Debra and I had to deal with the past wrongs together with God, and to this day, God has indeed saved our marriage and granted us healing.
A new marriage
We renewed our vows this past year and wrote out a new contract that we both signed. We know it will take time for the trust to be built again between us, but we are ready to do whatever we can. We’ve even taken practical steps—she comes with me on my business trips whenever she feels uncomfortable with me leaving and I’ve given her all the passwords to my computer. Each morning, we spend time reading the Bible and praying together. We are so grateful for the grace that God has given us. We’ve finally let go of our own lives and trusted them to him.
I’ve realized that trying to run my own life doesn’t work. I’ve stopped taking control and He is in control now. His love is everlasting. Jesus has forgiven everything and can heal anything.
Is there an area of your life that needs restoration?
God is waiting to help put the broken pieces back together. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his son to suffer in our place so that the slate can be wiped clean. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross forgiveness is available for everyone. No matter what has happen to us, no matter what we’ve done.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord, I need you now more than ever. I want your peace of mind. In the midst of my broken heart and my pain, I turn to you. Jesus, I ask you to forgive my sins and to give me your peace and comfort. I open the door of my life and put my trust in you.
If you sincerely expressed that prayer to God, you can know that you have a personal relationship with Him. He will be your comfort. God promises us “peace that passes understanding” in other words peace in a world that doesn’t make sense. You can know peace and hope even when your world is in turmoil. You can be restored. God does not change. Ever.
[…] Finding Healing After Betrayal […]
This makes me very bitter, as I have no choice because my spouse of 20 years IS the one doing the cheating that precipitated the divorce, and my spouse requested it. My teenage children are suffering pain as well, which is unbearable, because I know in my heart I was part of the failed marriage. I avoided problems and progressively slept more on the couch than not over the past few years, although we still made love (and yes, to me it was that). My psychologist (I sought after learning of the betrayal) told me “even the Marines know when to retreat” and told me we had a “rescuer” relationship where I needed to save my spouse from mistrust and abandonment issues from childhood. Sadly, as much as I tried to gain that trust, it always eluded me. Now, with only seeks separating the move out, I feel relief, but the sadness at failing as a partner (and in part, parent), is something I wonder if I will ever lose.
seeks=weeks
I just found out my wife was having an affair. The hurt is unbearable. I knowe I have contributed to this by being too busy working to provide. Needless to say she wants a second chance but it’s over in my eyes and heart. My only regret is my son of four years. He is leaving with me and he will never see his mother again. As bad as this sounds, I prefer to burn in he’ll than to forgive.
Toosadtothonk, I am very sorry to learn about what has happened to your marriage and your reaction and feelings are understandable. Affairs have damaged far too many marriages and are often deadly, as you well know.
Showing mercy to and forgiving those who hurt us does not come naturally— it’s easier to get angry at them and remain that way. We justify our lack of forgiveness by pointing to the injustice that took place or harm that was done. But God commands us to be merciful (Luke 6:36) and calls us to follow His example of extending grace to all (Eph. 4:32).
Your wife has very wrongly hurt you and your son and you obviously feel she doesn’t deserve a second chance even though she has asked and you admit that you were too busy to attend to her. But we who have been shown divine mercy are to practice a lifestyle of forgiveness.
Toosadtothonk none of us are deserving of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for our sins. His crucifixion was slow and agonizing, but Jesus’ worst torment occurred when our sins were laid on Him and His Father turned away (Matt. 27:46). Still, as His enemies watched, Jesus gave us the best possible example of forgiveness by saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
I may not know your pain, but I assure you that Jesus does. With His infinite love and gentleness, He’ll help you overcome your hurt, anger, and bitterness and help you put your marriage back together. Give Him this opportunity and in the long run, just like the couple in this article said, “Debra and I had to deal with the past wrongs together with God, and to this day, God has indeed saved our marriage and granted us healing.” I sincerely pray that for you.
You might also find value in kindred articles on this website that can be found at http://powertochange.com/familylife/articles/family-issues/how-to-survive-your-spouses-affair/ . . . and at http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/affairrepair/ We also have mentors who are freely available to come alongside you and support you through this. Hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button on this page and someone will contact you in confidence by email.