Help! Our Sex Life Has Gone Cold

Written by Mike Jantzen

Most people love to talk about sex—that is—until it goes cold:

“It was going so well, but then our bliss began to blister: stress, bills, colds, kids, the pile of dishes—you know, life as usual, it’s crept into our bedroom and stifled the steam. It’s gone from hot to cold.” 

Are you in a sexual slump? Watch this video by Sheila Wray Gregoire and learn how a little fun and the right attitude make all the difference.

Sex touches us at the core of who we are, so when sex goes wrong, it’s a very touchy subject. Talking about it can make us feel more naked than ever, with fears, insecurities and disappointments all laid bare. That’s why people need a safe place to open up about it. Many people find encouragement and hope through talking to a confidential online mentor or reading some of our most popular articles on sexuality.

Read the next article in the series: Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex.

Or check out The Five Levels of Intimacy.

11 Responses to “Help! Our Sex Life Has Gone Cold”

  • Chris says:

    lisa…i am sorry to hear of your struggles. spouses can be challenging to deal with its true, sometimes much more than we had bargained for. these issues should be discussed before marriage so there are no surprises yet many times they are overlooked or kept for later. many times we lack the wisdom God offers us in the bible because we may not think it worth while to read yet the bible is filled with all the wisdom we need to live a godly and successful life. if you would like more information on finding out more about how the bible can change your life log onto or click talk to a mentor above. i pray that your eyes would be placed upon christ jesus now as you see that men, in this case your husband, arent always going to have the answers you need for a happy life. God bless you

  • Lisa says:

    We never had one we have had sex twice in 5 yrs and not once after we were married. He has a dysfunction but doesn’t have any interest in fixing it. He use to touch me 4 play but the last year absolutely nothing. He is 16 yrs older than me what am I suppose to do? I need to be intimate with my spouse but nothing EVER. Help.

  • Kate says:

    Hi Naomi, have you reached out for help to any trusted female mentors or a counselor? Where do you see an opportunity for you to do something different or make a change in your own behaviour?

  • Lisa
    i am married for three years now,and the fire is gone.i have two kids ,but i love sex.But my husband fine i get hot all the time and the is a turn off. He was not like that when i met him but now he just condemn me allot, now when we are having sex i block out cause i don’t want to get him mad. being hot for him is to much for him.i don’t know what to do again.And know when he touches me i feel funny,i don’t want him to touch me again..HELP

  • Aldo says:

    Dan, I believe you and Doris Beck have it down pretty good. If both parties in a marriage agree to abstain for whatever reason and period of time, and their self control is not compromised, I see no reason why it shouldn’t be.

  • Dan says:

    I never said that we should dumb down sex to the level of animals. I said “God said”be fruitful and multiply”. God gave humankind a soul, a ‘breathe’ from himself. God made us in his image. Sex is a gift from God. 1Cor7 speaks of sex in marriage with what was going on at the time it was written. The preceding verses speak of sexual immorality. Sex is ONLY for marriage. And sex is ONLY with your own spouse. No self-sex, no temple prostitutes, no third parties allowed. 1Cor7 says abstinance may be for prayer if mutually agreed upon and to come together again so Satan may not tempt you due to YOUR lack of self control. Now – if a couple mutually agrees to no sex, and both have self-control and Satan is NOT tempting them – then they may devote their life to prayer and work for the Lord. There is NO restriction against this. If MUTUALLY agreed then there is no defrauding. Why would you want to make Humble servant of Christ feel he is sinning when both he and his wife are in agreement??? It would be different if they weren’t, but they ARE.

  • Jason says:


    I think the scripture Claire pointed outt states directly that sex is a big deal in a marriage. It is the single activity that make that relationship unique and brings us together as one flesh. Sex shouldn’t be downplayed at all. god very much intended us to enjoy it in marriage, your implication on our task to prosper doesn’t change that. To dumb us down to sex for procreation makes you no different than other animals. While they enjoy it, it is alway on a creational cycle for that purpose. We as humans do it to bond and grow as a couple.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    I think you hit on a really important point and that is that both spouses need to be in agreement on abstinence. It is possible to have a vibrant marriage without sex especially when there are medical reasons for it. But it is something that needs to be talked about and agreed upon.

    Unfortunately in the case of most of the people that have commented on this article, it was one-sided and definitely not something that both spouses agreed upon. In that case it can be hurtful and emotionally exhausting because of the lack of physical intimacy. Is it a reason to walk away from a marriage? I don’t think so. But it is something that needs to be talked about and worked through and in many cases, a third party is needed to help give perspective.

    Human Sexuality is a gift from God and within the context of marriage it is a beautiful thing. But like all things, it can be misused and abused and that is never good.

  • Dan says:

    Humble servant of Christ,

    Good for you, sir. As long as both of you are in agreement on abstinence – then there is absolutely NO biblical problem with that. As long as you both have self-control then it is acceptable.

    And yes, praise God for taking away that desire and replacing it with the desire to do his work.

    Claire Colvin,

    Please point me to scripture where God says ‘sex is a big deal’. He neither says that nor says ‘regular’ or ‘frequent’, or any other adjective. God did say ‘be fruitful and multiply’ when it comes to sex. But sex is NOT the primary goal. God’s first words were ‘is it not good for man to be alone’. Companionship is the goal. Agape love for all is the goal. Yes, sex is permissible in marriage – But it is not important to all Christians. The important thing is that a couple of in agreement.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Dear Humble Servant of Christ, Your desire to be devoted to God is admirable but your sacrifice is misplaced. Married couples are not supposed to be celibate. Nuns and monks and priests all take vows of celibacy and do so with the knowledge that they are choosing a unmarried life in order to achieve greater devotion. You cannot promise yourself to another person in the holy covenant of marriage and then go on to refuse to fully participate in that covenant. That does not honour God.

    What do you do with a passage like 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 which reads, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

    Lack of sex in marriage is terrible thing to endure. Did you and your wife ever have the chance to seek counselling? Do you know what caused your wife to reject you in the first place? Did something happen to her? Were there conflicts in your marriage? How has this physical separation affected your closeness, your affection for each other? Sex is a big deal. Not because society flaunts it or because advertisers use it to manipulate us. Sex is a big deal because GOD says sex is a big deal.

  • Humble servant of Christ says:

    If your sex life goes cold – then Praise the Almighty Name of The Lord Jesus Christ!!!!,
    Here is a wonderful opportunity to be celibate for our Lord. Personally, I am married and my wife and I have not had relations for more than 8 years. It began with her rejecting me and this got to the point of my not even bringing it up, due to the risk of facing her wrath.
    I admit I was upset about it for a while, but then I saw the opportunity in it. If we are willing to be chaste for Christ, then much can be accomplished. Souls can be saved and sinners can turn from their sins and repent. Is this alone not worth abandoning all sex for the rest of your life? After all, what is the big deal? Nuns and monks, priests and other religious vocations all live celibate lives. We are asked to deny ourselves by our Lord Jesus Christ. The world (which we are supposed not be be part of, by the way) goes on and gives great importance to sex, especially praising abomination and declaring they have a right to equal status. The devil is behind all of this, in order to lead us to mortal sin. Unrepentant mortal sin is just what it indicates – guaranteed hell for eternity.

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