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Michele Weiner Davis in this video clip mentioned the average couple has sex 1.5 times a week. I know, what is the .5? Was it when they were interrupted by a kid knocking at the door? But really, how accurate are these stats? How many times did you have sex with your spouse last week? And do you remember the same number as your spouse? Will it start an argument just bringing it up?
Ok so here is the deal, how about you actually keep track for the next month. Don’t compare yourself to the national average, just keep track for yourself and see if what you think you do is actually what you do. Michele in another video clip said that having more sex helps couples grow so I’m sure it can help us all! The Bible says to only refrain from sex in marriage when you both agree to have a concentrated focus on prayer and even that should only be for a limited time (1 Cor. 7:3-5).
So here is the challenge: instead of trying to beat the national average, take a month to improve your sex life. Start by talking. Include things like what you want, need, and enjoy. Also include any hurt, frustration or obstacles. Make sure both partners feel heard.
Next, go practice what you talked about. What emotional changes do you see in your relationship? Ideally more sex will benefit the relationship, but we all know we do not live in an ideal world. For those of you who fight about sex and disagree, I want to hear from you too. Let me know how it goes! (just remember to keep the conversation family friendly, for our younger audience)
Links to other articles:
Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
Unmet Expectations: Sex three times a week?
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We’ve been married 21 years. My wife characterizes our marriage as good, strong, and normal. But we have sex 6-8 times per year over the past several years. Yes, per year (just four times since Jan. 1st of this year). My wife has no interest, but I yearn for her at every level in our relationship. She doesn’t really like my non-sexual touching, affection, or tenderness. I’m not interested in keeping up with the national average but desire to be one with her several times per month. As it is, I decided years ago to stop asking and to allow her to initiate. I can say that doing chores around the house, taking the kids off her hands, and elevating my treatment of her has had zero impact on her interest in me (in other words, doing the dishes is NOT foreplay). She knows I’m willing to do anything to help her and please her but the main thing she seemingly wants me to do is believe that sexual intimacy no longer has a place in our christian marriage. Given the choice, I’d rather live without that than without her. I’ve asked her for help in showing me what I need to change, and she says there’s nothing, that I’m a good man. I will never leave her or cheat. For what it’s worth, I’m at my ideal weight for my age and height, in good health and I believe I’m a decent looking guy. Our lack of intimacy is a sign of another issue, but I can’t understand what it is despite my efforts to understand her. Please pray for us.
You are not alone 21yrman. Intimacy with my wife has always been sporadic and a very touchy issue (no pun intended). I don’t think I have been the perfect husband and there have been struggles in our relationship that make my wife less inclined to intimacy, but there is also something going on at a deeper level that I just have not been able to uncover.
I agree that prayer is the way forward. God knows what is happening and He has a plan to use this situation to help my wife and me to become more complete in who He has made us. Prayer helps me get out of the ‘fix it’ mindset and into a ‘God how do You want me to respond’ mindset. So I will pray for you and maybe you can pray for me as well.
Lord God I know that You are a good God and that You have a plan and a purpose for our lives. I pray for 21yrman that you would help him to be aware of how Your Spirit is leading him right now. Help his eyes and heart to be focussed on You so that as You lead and direct, he will be ready to follow You. I pray for his wife that she would hear his concerns and understand the pain and frustration behind the words. Motivate her to work with her husband to discover how they can find the perfect level of intimacy for their marriage. If there is a deeper issue that needs healing I pray that in Your timing it would come to light. Continue to bind their hearts together in unity and love. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Hey guys, thanks for posting. I am sure Neal will respond to this as well, but I did want to pray for you both: Dear God, I pray for the marriages represented by these two comments. Lord I ask that You would bring greater understanding between these husbands and their wives. Open levels of communication that have not previously been available. Keep the tension out and in its place put peace and unity. I don’t know what the solution is here but You do Lord and I ask that You would implement that solution. Help both of these men to draw closer to You as they seek to love and honour their wives. I ask all this in the name of Your Son Jesus who gave His life and reconciled us to You and made it possible for renewed relationship with others, amen.
Prayer is powerful and I have seen the amazing changes that occur. Sometimes God brings another person to speak to our spouse. Sometimes He uses books. Sometimes movies. But one thing I am certain of, He knows what you are experiencing and He knows the reasons why your spouse is pulling back in this issue. Maybe healing from some past experience that she has told no one about. So many possible reasons. I have discovered that most of the time the reasons have nothing to do with you. She still finds you desirable. I am praying for you to grow in your love for your spouse with His strength and grace as you walk this challenging journey.
This is a pretty difficult thing to talk about. It’s not only about you but also your spouse. Where do you go to find help and encouragement?
Thanks everyone,
I don’t know who to talk to, Jaime, or where to turn. I am praying a lot and I have a sense that she’s responding. I am being careful not to seek emotional support from anyone else as that can put my heart being in a dangerous place. I am deeply moved by the prayers and support I’m finding here. I’ll add that this past weekend we had sex (Yay!) which, dare I say, is keeping us ‘on track’ for once each quarter. It happened because I just wanted to cuddle with her and make her understand I can be physical but not take it too far. But she took it to the next level (or two?) and we had sex. It was great that this happened until she totally deflated everything afterward by saying, “I know you needed it.” I replied by saying, no, I needed *you*, dear. (And I want her to need — and desire — this level of interaction, too, but it’s as if she has an aversion to it.)
Still I can’t bring myself to just start talking to her about this. How do you discuss it? I know she will become defensive, guilty, and resentful, thus pushing her away. When I try to be flirtatious or fun-loving, she likes that to a degree but it never draws her in as much as I’d like.
To add to my angst I found what I think is a very good article online that addresses a woman’s attitude toward sex, whether she should oblige in a chore-ish sort of way or wait until she’s in the mood. Could this article motivate her to rethink her reservations and speak openly with me about these issues holding her back? If it’s OK to post, the link is here: http://bit.ly/gKQM7z It’s a great answer (NO to both!) and an explanation of what to do. And I’d like to believe she’d respond positively to that.
Please keep praying for us. I’m hopeful.
Something you may consider is connecting with one of our online mentors. Your confidentiality is guaranteed and you can be honest about your struggles and questions. You will find there a brother who will pray with you and who will point you to the truth of God’s Word to understand how He wants you to respond to your wife. There is very little risk and huge gains in finding someone to walk along with you. Paul tells us to, “Carry one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) This is one of the ways we can do that.
its been nearly 2 years since we got married. We haven’t had sex till now due to my hsbands impotency. He has taken medication for the same but doesn’t show active interest when i approach him. My family members are worried as to why I am not able to conceive till (i try to pacify by saying God has chosen a right moment and we are planning to start a family then). They are unaware of my husband’s medical condition as we (me + hsband) mutually agreed that nothing about this issue reaches the third person. I keep asking God to help me in this situation, but i see no change happening. Please guide me about what to do. I feel really frustrated.
That is a difficult challenge with your husband. You may have already done this but seeking another doctor’s opinion for treatment would be one thing I would suggest. Aned if that doesn’t work, even going to a third doctor. The books The Sexl-Starved Wife by Michele Davis http://www.amazon.ca/Sex-Starved-Wife-What-When-Desire/dp/0743266277/ref=pd_sim_b_6. as well as Restoring the Pleasure http://www.amazon.ca/Restoring-Pleasure-Clifford-Penner/dp/0849934648/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311983228&sr=1-1 are great resources.
thanks neal. the problem is tht my husband says he doesn’t want to go thru the agony of visiting another doctor. he says everything will be alright and that i have to give him some time and space. There are times when he is so oblivious about the situation that i get really angry and we start fighting over the issue. I am really tired and i see no hope. My only solace is God in this situation and only prayer can work to change my husband’s mind. Please pray for me.
Lord God I do pray for Teresa and her husband. This is a significant stressor in their marriage and for each of them individually. Thank You that Teresa does have You to turn to. I pray that You would give her a peace and contentment that transcends our ability to understand or explain. Help her to remain true to her commitment in spite of the challenge that this can bring. I am sure Satan will bring temptations at some point, but Your Spirit is more than able to help her remain pure.
I also pray for her husband. I can imagine that this medical condition can be very hard on the male mind and can undermine his confidence. I pray that You would bring healing to his body and to his heart. Bring the blessing of intimate unity to this couple and the blessing of children. In Jesus’ name, amen.
As I am reading this I am amazed at what an odd situation I am in. I am a WOMAN who cannot seem to interest her husband in sex! I have tried to esteem him through praise outside the bedroom, be mindful of how I ask for help with responsibilities, prayed for him(and told him so), participated in the Fireproof Challenge etc. Nothing. We have had a very satisfying sex life in the past and has usually worked to his advantage. He is a loyal man and has had no major life changes..he is 46yrs old; I am 39. I am dying to motivate but nothing seems to work.
Momofteens,
Don’t feel like you’re in an odd situation. You’re not alone in being dissatisfied with your sex life. I’m sure it must be very difficult for you to be experiencing such a lack of intimacy in your marriage. There are three main reasons for a lack of sex. They are physiological, psychological and emotional which would be because of any upsetting moments in the past. Your husband might not want sex for various reasons and maybe one of them is that you don’t communicate with the same love language. Our questionnaire on love languages can be found here. Our article “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex” might also be helpful to you. This must be a very difficult time for you but I hope you can work it out with your husband and spice up your sex life.