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Sometimes we can feel a certain way for so long that it starts to feel normal, comfortable even. It becomes so familiar that we stuff down that nagging thought that we should do something about our struggles. The process of healing can seem scarier than what we’re experiencing now.
I met a woman at a retreat who began to share with me that her abuse at 10 years old was surfacing again now that she was 40. Despite her efforts to will it away year after year by stuffing away the memories and emotions, instead it had grown to a frenzy of fear, shame and pain. Even worse, it was impacting the intimacy she longed to enjoy with her husband. She agreed that she needed to ‘deal’ with it, but in order to do that, she would need to bring the past into the open and that was just too scary.
I assured her of two things…the same two things I suggest to you. First: there is hope for healing. She can be free of the impact of the abuse. Not the memories, but the haunting control the memories were having on her life. Second, it was not going away on its own. Until she took the steps necessary to allow for healing, every morning for the rest of her life she’d wake up longing for peace from its torment.
So how do you know if your sexual past is still hurting you today? This list describes some of the ways that your abuse could still be impacting your day to day life:
- You’re having trouble functioning at home or work
- You’re suffering from severe fear, anxiety or depression
- You’re unable to form close, satisfying relationships
- You’re experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
- You’re avoiding more and more things that remind you of the abuse or trauma
- You’re feeling emotionally numb and disconnected from others
- You’re using alcohol or drugs to feel better, or to be able to be intimate with your spouse
- You’re not enjoying intimacy with your spouse, you feel like there should be more . . .
For further reading in this series:
Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
How can I heal from my sexual past?
Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days. Can we pray for you?
Recommended Reading:
On The Threshold of Hope by: Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart: Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by: Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more.
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Um, I am not sure if I need a mentor but my father seems to think I have not dealt with my past. what can I do to heal? I have experienced all of the above list for do you need to heal..( all except one) the problem is I have a very bad memory of anything must less the abuse. can and should i try to re visit? It doesnt effect me on the surface but could be why am the way am..just wondering…maybe its nothing?:)
Hi Jeanette; a mentor can be a tremendous source of support and someone to share with on a personal, one-on-one basis, as well as a caring person who may be able to help you decide if you want to seek out further healing. However, a mentor is not a counselor. It is not at all uncommon for a person to have suffered abuse, incuding sexual abuse, and not have memories about the abuse or large parts of the past. In saying that, this does not mean that your lack of memory means that you have been abused. If you want to determine that, I would suggest seeking out a counsellor trained in abuse issues, and it would be between you and your counsellor as to the rate of discovery at which you proceed in revisiting your past. Also, Jeanette, if you would like to talk to one of our mentors, please feel free to click on the following link, and one will respond to you privately to come alongside you and support and encourage you:
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
May God bless you as you seek healing in your life, Jeanette.
I have been realizing lately that I haven’t dealt with my abuse from my past. I am almost 23 and I still feel like my past abuse is running my life. Even through has gotten a little better it goes right back down because of fear. I am expreincing everything expect the the last two. Through I have i use to drink and I still take a bunch of over the counter drugs to be able to sleep at night.
Stacy Ann, I totally agree with Barbara, it sounds like you have not seen a counsellor to help work through what happened to you. It is vitally important that you do that. As you are experiencing in your own life, this stuff doesn’t just go away just because the abuse stops. That abuse leaves scars and wounds. It IS possible to recover but you’re going to need some professional help. I can only imagine how scary the idea of going to a counsellor and talking about these things must be, but I truly believe that good therapy can literally change your life.
Abuse teaches you lies about who you are and it teaches you lies about your body and what your body is for and what your body is worth. Those lies can go really deep especially for someone who experienced abuse as long as you did. A good counsellor can help you sort out the truth from the lies. Depending on the nature of the abuse (if it came from someone you trusted, if they claimed to love you) abuse can also lie to you about what love is like and how love acts. You’ve got a lot to re-learn about love and sex, but it can be done. Ask someone you trust if they know a counsellor that they would recommend. If you can’t find one that way, consider asking your pastor for a recommendation.
Seeing a counsellor doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. It’s going to take courage, but the rewards will be so, so worth it. This isn’t something you can “just get over” any more than you could expect to cure yourself of cancer. You were just a baby when all this started and there was no way you could defend yourself or fight for yourself, but you CAN fight for yourself now. By going to counselling you can stand up for that little girl. I am so very sorry that this happened to you and that no one protected you when you needed it.
Dear Staci Ann,
It is clear that you are still struggling with past abuse. Have you gone for therapy? You are still so young and it would be very wise for you to seek proper help in overcoming past abuse issues. The worst thing you can do is try to avoid or stuff those thoughts and feelings down. Seek to get some help so you can be healed and set free from your past.
Dear Jeanette, Sometimes we do not clearly see that something is wrong with us BUT our loved ones notice that something is not right in our lives. Most likely, your dad is right in his observance of your need for help. After all, he is your dad, loves you very much, and only wants what is best for his daughter. How old are you? Have you ever gone for counseling?
Hi! I am trying to start a support group for women who have been sexually abused. I have the books by Dan Allender on the Wounded Heart but do you have anything really practical say in a steps series for dealing with Secual Abuse. I have been through healing for myself and I teach at a mission in Canada now I am trying to find practical resources for the support group I am starting. Thanks!
Hi Melody, you can find Barbara’s support resources at http://www.barbarawilson.org/pages/resources
Hi am 21 years old and this is the first time I talk about this to anyone am sorry if my English is not good …….. Everyone around me jokes that I have issues and that there’s something happened to me when I was a child but I only reply with a smile I never talked to someone about this not even my family …..I thought it wasn’t a big deal and nothing serious happened and I stopped it though I was very young and that it didn’t had any effect my life in anyway …but truly I don’t know if it didn’t why haven’t I told anyone about it and why am I too ashamed ? Why haven’t I ever had a serious relationship with a guy though am pretty and I get asked a lot sometimes I get so scared to go to the nearest place by myself and I have always thought that maybe am shy I don’t know what to do or if it’s going to go away I mean it didn’t really cause me areal problem in my life am very successful in my studyings and I do have guy friends but the idea Of me dating or getting too close to anyone or open up to them about anything has always been aproblem I always keep things to myself …. I would love to hear an opinion from someone like you :)
Will u contact me only through my email is that’s not too much to ask :)
Hi Barbara, I am sorry that no one has responded to your comment. If you would like to talk to one of our mentors privately just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will connect with you by email soon.
Barbra,
The way to have someone contact you through email is to send in your question using this form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/. Then one of our online mentors will email you back…please do that. They would love to walk alongside of you as you deal with this ongoing issue in your life.
Hi, this is a hard topic to discuss yet I feel lately like I cant keep it in anymore. I was sexually abused my entire childhood from the age of 3 to 14. The worst part is that it was by different individuals. I told my mother about the abusers but she just swept it under the rug and didn’t believe me. One of my abusers is my step father. Yes he is still with my mom till today. My mother knew about the sexual abuse and and still chose to be with him. I was forced to accept what happened to me and live my life as if it was ok. Another one of my abusers was my friends grandfather…I told ny mom what was happening to me, she confronted him but he denied it so she believed him and forced me to goto his house still so the abuse continued. She later made my abuser my godfather. Most of my anger is against my mother. How could she hate me so much, how could she not protect me, y didn’t I matter to her? Im 36 with children of my own, I try to have a relationship with my mom but its so hard, shes still with my abuser. When he touches my kids I cringe and fear kicks in. Why do I put myself through this still, why do I care about a relationship wiyh her after all the hurt and pain she’s caused me? I went to therapy for a year abd thought I was healed but im not. Memories are vivid today …haunting me. My family tells me to get over it, but it was so many years of abuse and my mother still with my abuser…how do I move on?
Dear Father God.
Lord I lift up Jeanette to You at this time and ask that You will heal her of her past. It is okay to let God bring the past up to be dealt with as I have done. Lord I have also ask God to deliver me from the past as it is forgotten by You oh Lord. When the Lord brings up the past just ask Him for patience and healing of the subject and let Him take it away from you and believe it is a done deal. In Jesus name Amen
Noemi, you have to confront your mother, tell her how you feel exactly how you feel no sugar coating! Only she can answer all the questions you have, but you have to ask her. I’m no expert, but I feel that this is a very important step in order for you to move on. I too have been sexual abused, and in a similar situation to yours, where I felt betrayed by my mother. One day I just told her everything I felt and we got into it a little bit, but I stood my ground and said everything I needed to say. I was tired of carrying around all this baggage on my back for years, suffering while everyone else is living their life carefree! Why should you have to continue to suffer in silence? I think you should ask her why she didn’t protect you or why she never believed you. I think you should tell her that you cringe when she touches your children. You owe it to yourself.
**Correction When I said “everyone else is living their lives carefree”..I meant everyone involved in my suffering
Thank u so much for your advice crystal…I have tried to confront my mom about what she let happen to me but all she does is get defensive and very angry. She begins to curse and yell saying”what was she supposed to do”. Urs become hurtfully real that my mom will never acknowledge her wrong or what happened to me. In my family the attitude is “whats the point in talking about it if nothing is ever going to change” so they choose to bury it and act like nothing happened. I did the same thing for years myself…but im done pretending nothing happened. I was victimized and revictimed my entire childhood and its time I stopped hiding my pain…its eating me up lil by lil…night by night.
I have started going to therapy, I have detached myself from my mother and abusers. Im taking it day by day right now. I cant keep crying and falling into depression over this…I need to get a handle on it for my boys, my marriage and my happiness.
I’m sorry that she refuses to acknowledge her role in everything that has happened to you, I know that really hurts and may make it very difficult of you to forgive her and move on, but I strongly feel deep down inside she’s hurting because she wasn’t there for her baby girl when you needed her. I feel this way because of the way she reacts when you bring it to her attention, shes angry not at you but with herself, let me know if you disagree. I am glad though that your not letting her or your family dictate how you should feel about what happened to YOU. You are absolutely right, just because they want to forget about it, and sweep it under the rug doesn’t mean you have to! No one should have to do that! and I’m so happy to hear your not putting up with that anymore and your seeking professional help and if you feel you have said everything you could say to your mother then distancing yourself from her may be the way to begin your healing.
Hi I am now 25 and after so many year I finally told my parents that I was being abused by my gray Grant father I hadnever told any one because the day I was finally going to say something my ccousin had told her dad about my graygrand father touching here and after her dad tried confronting the problem the whole family started to say my cousin wish at the time was 8 was provoking him so thats why I keepet it to myself I first started getting abused at age 7 by a guy that was once my dads best friend and we moved to the U.s. after that I started getting abused at age 9 again by Gray gran father who use to babysit my brother and I .. I have been trying to look for a support group because since I got pregnant with my first child it has started to bother me having memories of everything that ever happen when I was being abused making me very emotional I get veey frustrated and it has been so hard to open up to my parents being able to tell them I love them or even just be able to hug them I cry at least 3 time a week because I get this awful flash backs if anyone nows where I can go a support group in colorado please let me now thank you
to lily– for help in the Colorado area is Colorado coalition of sexual assault at 303 839-9999 I hope this helps also for personal prayer contact www. truthmedia.com/ ask for a mentor. I am praying for you. from sharon