10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills
Do you feel unheard? We’re here to listen. Talk with a free and confidential mentor.
Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication.
Further reading: First Date Flops
In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk.
Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn.
The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to.
While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or re-develop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know — and you should, too:
1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language.
2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.
3. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.
4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (“uh-huh” and “um-hmm”) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,” “Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?” and “What did she say?”
5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point.
6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation.
7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.
8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out.
9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.
10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”
Further Reading: How to get more out of life than that empty feeling.
As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand all points of view.
Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.
Keep your relationships growing:
I need to learn and practice all of these great tips.
THANKS, Its helping me in dealing with my children
good article i am enjoying these blogs from people
Thanks,its helpfull for my studies
good article– i am still learning to listen to people and not talk while they are talking because i have something to say too, its hard but i am trying to listen
i SO agree with Roger S…”Grievences have to be dealt with, not ignored.” i have found when the other person does not want to deal with one or you are suspicious about something regarding them, when they retort with fear and self defense, i have found it to be b/c they are guilty of it. They “Blast” you back with anger, self justifacation and project it all back on you! They are NOT “listening”, only thinking of what to say back or to change the subject.
This is a great article, and I can very much relate to Seamus; I also thought that “relating” to a person by sharing an experience was supportive, but I see now that unless my experience is asked for, then that sharing is taking away from time that person needs to share themselves. Thanks so much for this. I have learned a great deal.
thank u for giving thi8s one.
i think i can learn better on how to be active in listening and better in my skill of listening
Being in retail sales and specialising in furniture it is vital that I actively listen to my customers. What exactly are their needs? This is the only way that I can effectively use my knowledge to satisfy those needs. I then steer the customer toward the right buying decision for them. Real, ethical selling is about listening and helping the potential customer to feel valued and cared about. Everyone sells whether they realise or not. The next time you ask a new aquaintance what they do follow up with “how did you first get involved in ……” Then just listen. You will say very little and be the best conversationalist.
Glad to hear that this article has helped and encouraged many of you.
Seamus, I think you are recognizing a very valid problem in your communication skills. By jumping in and saying that you’ve been there too and then telling your story, you aren’t really listening to what they are saying in their situation. But the best part is if you realize that then you can begin to listen more and try not to jump in and say anything other than perhaps ask clarifying questions. Listening is definitely a learned skill and you have begun to learn which is awesome.
I have the hardest time not jumping in with my own experiences in a similar situation. I always felt I was validating what was being said by saying, “I’ve been there too.” Now I am being criticized by several members of my family for not really listening but jumping in with what happened to me.
My parents were not communicators…it was best if it was not talked about. So I was very shy and did not contribute to conversations. Now apparently I communicate too much…all in an attempt to contribute to the conversation.
Help?????
needfull guidence…d.g
Thanks! wonderful advice, well appreciated
I sought advice for enhancement and received wisdom.
Thanks
thank you for this, it is healpful.i try to listen to people but of course our comments want to come out, but we do have to lsiten and respond to people who speak, good article
thanks for all ur team to help the students,,,,
thank you – i am sure i will now be able to answer the question in the up coming exams!
Glad you enjoyed it renee!
That was very usefull… thanks!
This was my first time visiting your website and there is great information here. I will visit your website often now that I know about it and a Christian website a plus I enjoyed it.
yah! It is very good.
These are the principles used by Stephen Ministers, confidential Christian care givers who “walk alongside” a person going through a difficult time. Check out Stephen Ministry for more information.
it works greatly! I’ve tried.
thank you….even my senior told me to develop active listening skills rather than talking…i hope your article will be helpful to me :)
thank you for helping me
Thanks, realy it’s giving me support a lot.
Gee thank you so very much for all the helpful tips, you really made me a successful student at school. A+ Student. THANK YOU my hinece.
thanks. it is very helpful for me.
is this all important to study at this level & specify more how a individual can improve listening skill effectively
Interesting tips!
Looks like active listening can happen in a web chat as well, and probably it has some special implications. [comment redacted by editor, please review our Terms of Use ]
You wouldn’t say “mhmmm” after each phrase or maintain eye contact :)
If your conversation happens on the web, I would discard all tips related to body language and eye contact, and add a tip to respond in a short time, in order for the speaker not to lose focus. Web chat environment can actually be really conductive to active listening, as the speaker feels safer at a distance and more relaxed. Any other thoughts about this?
great tips!
I once read a saying ‘everybody is entitled to their own misguided opinion’. it simply reaffirms that people might see something in a way that not necessarily the same with us.
[…] 10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills […]
Thanku very much! It realy worked for me!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks a lot for conveying us 10(tens) mention-worthy rules. Since now I was not received nicely in the during conversation and most of my discussion was ended up with bad expression. Now I’ve realized where was the problem for me and I’l take great lesson from this article to overcome my difficulties.
Thanks once more for this supportive piece of writing.
This really helped a lot. Thanks!
thanks a lot for the tips, but i forget all when speaking to anyone. Now I will try to follow the tips
Sorry Guys! Yes, It was a very helpful information. Thanks!
thanks it helped a lot and Iloved it
very helpful thank you. I have just started a course in counselling and listening course and i am fully enjoying it, this article has helped me to understand the topic even more.
Thank you
Listening is more important when you gain more knowledge.
great idea, nice words.
Thanks for the helpful info, I am deployed in afghanistan and will be coming home next month. My wife is 3 months pregnant and were always fighting and i went to combat stress an they have help me a lot to dealing with how to speak open end of questions and told me to look into active lessening. again thank you so much and god bless
When I grew up, a lot of people especially my dad used to tell
Me listen. Now at 22, after three years people seek advices from me. Needless to say most of the time ther already have the answer. Listening is not simple and certainly requires a lot if practice. However, the reward is so powerful making the effort almost insignificant!
THANKS!!!!!!!!I GOT MY ANSWER THIS HELP ME A LOT FOR MY EXAM
Hello People
THANK YOU!! This helped me a lot.
I got my answer.Thank You(Orissa,India)
this is very helpful thank you
Great advice, to which I’d add, to point 10, don’t get defensive. Keep an open mind as to why your partner should feel a certain way about your behaviours, and ask yourself if they have a point. Most people would go on the defensive and try to justify their behaviours. Occasionally that will be the appropriate thing to do, but sometimes, it isn’t. And what is good behaviour 100% of the time is to accept that your partner has a grievance. Grievances have to be dealt with, not ignored