10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills
Do you feel unheard? We’re here to listen. Talk with a free and confidential mentor.
Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication.
Further reading: First Date Flops
In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk.
Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn.
The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to.
While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or re-develop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know — and you should, too:
1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language.
2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.
3. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.
4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (“uh-huh” and “um-hmm”) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,” “Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?” and “What did she say?”
5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point.
6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation.
7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.
8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out.
9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.
10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”
Further Reading: How to get more out of life than that empty feeling.
As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand all points of view.
Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.
Keep your relationships growing:
It’s great that we can each learn something from one another, applying wise advice to our daily lives can make a wonderful difference little by little!
yes very helpful thank you so much for posting.
Iam glad to find this article helpful ,I bless U and God bless still
I agree with all scholars suggestions. Every one wrote it through his own mind set up. I add these changes.
Practice active listening.
Don’t think ahead while listening to some one.
Apply all five senses.
thank u for uploading such useful tips. i think i can lisen in usual routine bt when i am angry or furious it becomes difficult for me to listen. now i would try to overcome this issue as well.
thank you for posting this
Good and noble thinking right there…..kudos,,,!
I am glad this has had an impact on you B.Bridges. What things are you going to do to listen more deeply? Are there specific relationships that you need to focus that kind of change on?
Leaving my comment to confirm I heard you … I need to listen more deeply, more often … and to show the universe I have the intention to do so, based on principles you shared. Thank you!
now if only we could learn to type now too…
That is so neat Javajava that you have noticed the difference as you have applied some of these steps. Becoming a good listener definitely takes work, especially for those of us that are better talkers than listeners! :-)
Good for you Javajava! I also have much to learn, as there are relationships to build and people to mentor. It may be that I’m learning from this person who is talking to me. God is giving me this advice in His perfect timing, and I’m printing out this list (possibly with the update that Jim put in on May 21st ). Each person is built in the image of the living God, and needs to be respected, often encouraged and always given the opportunity to speak. As God’s messengers we need to first of all be good listeners, for that helps build relationships. As we get to know that other person, we will be better equipped to help them Spiritually if we are led to do so.
Man, i’v had a huge listening problem & both my bestfriends brought it up to me that i was a bad listner. Therefore, over a course of time i began observing how they listen to me when i go on and ramble and when i stumbled upon this it was amazing to know tht what i had observed was correct. Now i practice most of these skills and man does it work. i do feel a difference. And more gets said.
An educating and far reaching lesson. Tnx 4 d tips I’ll put it 2 practice.
Thanks for the listening skills. I will try to practise them
phd, That’s a very narrow view of love. How do you find a partner in the first place if all you’re looking for is sex? Is it a rotating string of partners or have you looked someone who shares your view?
who cares? life is nothing but sex; eat drink and be merry with ur partner.
very helpful for my exams !
god bless !
This is such an educative practicle mentoring. Thanks
g
this site helped me a lot in my campus examination
This site helped me a much in my project. Thanks a lot! =)
A great reflection. Thanks to everyone who posted for your thoughtful comments. It is encouraging to know so many of us are eager to listen better! What a blessing it is that we have ears to hear, but also hearts that ‘hear’ and can tune into the wonderful (and sometimes difficult) people who cross our paths daily.
wonderful,i real lyk ths site,keep it up
i think this is very helpful i will definitely work on my listeneing skill professionally and personally
Excellent work. I’ve made a few changes.
Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive, effective, supportive communication.
In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk.
Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn.
The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to.
While the ideas are largely intuitive, it likely will take some patient practice to develop (or re-develop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know — and you should, too:
1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language.
2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.
3. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.
4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (“uh-huh” and “um-hmm”) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,” “Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?” and “What did she say?”
5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point.
6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation.
7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.
Have you tried and tried but your best is still not good enough? Don’t know what to do next? Talk to a mentor.
8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask if you’ve had a similar situation, don’t shift to discussing a past experience. Shifting the focus of conversation from them to you can feel like you are bored, or don’t care, and leave them feeling alone or abandoned.
9. Even if their topic causes you some emotional stress or discomfort, don’t rush to give advice and free yourself of the discomfort. The speaker will feel as though you haven’t let them finish, haven’t helped them to explore and make sense out of all their thoughts and feelings. edir point had been made. They won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.
10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. You have four tools to choose from enhance your listening and provide emotional support:
• Nod or say “uh-huh” to encourage them to continue
• Like a mirror does with images, reflect back conversationally and paraphrase something they have said or something they may be feeling. Make sure you didn’t misunderstand, let them know you’re actively listening and perhaps let them revisit an important point or theme.
• Ask questions, but when you think it helpful, need clarification, or suspect there’s something important that hasn’t yet been mentioned. Don’t ask questions to reduce your stress or because of your need to talk.
• Or just share silence with them, while maintaining eye contact. This can be extremely helpful, extremely supportive time for them. you may feel panicky or uncomfortable when there is a natural pause in the conversation. Learn to relax and be confident the conversation is progressing just as it should.
Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.
know how to listen is a powerfull tool in relationships sector.
You are so right Faith! We not only have to learn emotional control, but also mental control in order to really listen and not be formulating our rebuttal! Listening is an art form that takes lots of practice!
This is very helpful, my husband says I never listen to him,now I know what he is on about. I have learnt a lot by just going through this article. One needs to learn emotional control to be able to listen to other people.
Am really appreciate this site, because it will make me improve on my listening aspect.
thanks and very beutifully written susie. very useful for improving listening skills.
Good one Charlie! :-)
Sorry I wasn’t listening. What did you say?
That I had to write a paper on healthful communication skills I love Greenday BPE;-)
Heyy! Thanks alot
this is very helpful, now i can develop my listening skill.
Thanks once again.
thnx this is very helpful 4 me!
thnk u sooooooooooooo much this is very hlpful for me…..
thank you so much!!!!!!
i have learned a lot of things by visiting this site.
i will surely improve my listening skills
thanx
Hi,
Thanks for this information. I have got one more way to improve your listening. Just sit quite alone, close your eyes, and try to listen how many sounds you can hear. And try to notice type of sounds. It Really works.
So glad you found this article helpful Edwin! All of us can learn how to be more effective communicators and the biggest part of that is learning to listen more effectively.
alot gained thanx
“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32) It is very rare that a person who makes false accusations is a trusted by others as a source of information. When someone is spouting off about you making statements that are damaging to your reputation it is far better to be patient and hear them out than to burst out in defense. There are a number of things that can happen: 1) you actually hear some critique from them that is valid and have an opportunity to make changes to your life; 2) they continue their diatribe and seeing that it does not goad you into a quarrel they up the intensity until they show themselves to be the fool that they are; 3) you wait until you can calmly respond to their accusations showing the false nature of their claims.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
How do we hanlde following situation as per sarah
Sarah Marshall says:
October 30, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Its so difficult to hear someone out until they’ve made their point when their topic is damaging your reputation, especially when none of it is true. Sticky situations, sometimes its not always good to let them finish completely because sometimes…they…never…finish……….ever. And that can be taken as “well she’s not even defending herself, shes guilty!”
Good question Roy! Your attitude is definitely a factor that can affect my listening skill. Your attitude affects how your brain fires, which in turn affects what you hear and how you apply that. If I’m excited about the day and what I am going to be hearing, I can listen and remember. If I am tired and expect to be bored, my listening and retention definitely goes downhill.
It has been very hard for me as a student to remain attentive.Most so when the lectures are so gloomy,is my attitude a factor that can affect my listening skill.
good article but this also applies to listening to people over the phone when people talk to you, i have a struggle with this.
You know, that’s a good point, Sarah — and that type of dialogue is typical in, say, political debates, where the game is to score points in a short, memorable soundbite.
In that situation, the game is completely changed, and interruption and talking-over are basically mandated. But everyone knows (or should) that such is basically theater.
And if someone is trying to destroy your reputation in front of others, that is certainly worth calling out!
Its so difficult to hear someone out until they’ve made their point when their topic is damaging your reputation, especially when none of it is true. Sticky situations, sometimes its not always good to let them finish completely because sometimes…they…never…finish……….ever. And that can be taken as “well she’s not even defending herself, shes guilty!”
So true Andrew! When someone is in an ’emotionally heightened’ state there usually isn’t a lot of listening going on! Unfortunately emotions have to cool down in order to listen and in order to feel heard. That’s the difficult part.
This is a great article. I would also add a few other tips: have a baseline understanding of how often you experience “internal interruptions” (edited according to Terms of Service).
Also, keep in mind, particularly with regards to Point 9 (when someone has a bone to pick with you): if someone is still communicating in an emotionally heightened way, they probably don’t feel heard yet.
Thanks for these useful thoughts. God bless you!